How married couples manage finances

[CarrotTopParsnipToe]

Happy to have this explained to me like I'm a child!

I was just reading another thread about a married couple with kids and I don't understand why all married couples don't just have a joint account whers they both get paid and then all the bills and expenses are paid from. It's so much easier to pool money and in the event of a divorce down the line, separated bank accounts wouldn't protect your money from your soon to be ex spose. But the idea that he pays this proportion and she pays that proportion seems barmy. And why does it always seem like the woman's wages need to cover the entirety of the kids costs! A joint account solves this, so why don't committed married couples pool the cash?

I'm not talking about non married couples, or married couples where one has some sort of addiction like gambling or drugs or shopping

There are reasons for the arrangements people make, all situations are different. Personally we share everything, always have, it's our money no matter who earned it or where it came from. This works for us but then we share the same financial values, we don't check up on each other because 40 years has taught us that neither of us takes undue advantage so this sharing has never been a problem. However, if your DP is a spender, irresponsible and you are the sensible one who has to make sure that there is enough to pay the bills, then I can see that's a different matter.

I don’t talk about money with my friends much, or my family much, so I understand why you are asking here.

We have a joint account, I feel like we work equally hard and it’s all for the family, even if our income is different. We agree on most spending (eventually!)
I was quite old before I realised people kept separate accounts, but money is not much discussed in reality. It’s a bit of a dirty secret!

All married couples are different. DH and I were already established, independent adults when we met with our own properties, savings, investments and used to doing whatever we wanted with our own money without a partner having a view on it. It’s always made sense for us to just keep things that way, and it works well. As much as anything it’s psychological for me, at least: I don’t want anyone else, however much I love them, being able to see what I do with or spend the money I’ve earned on, or being able to comment on it - and I wouldn’t want to have that dynamic over DH and his money, either.

I do agree that when it comes to couples who have ostensibly built a joint life together and have children together, and e.g. one partner works part time and is stuck spending their money on the DC and has little for themselves as a result, it’s not a great situation - but I also don’t think that’s about the separate finances itself, but about a poor relationship and one partner lacking respect and care for the other and resenting what they see as having to “subsidise” a low earner. That’s a relationship problem, not a bank accounts problem. You can run your finances independently but you can’t build a relationship on resentment and mismatched values.

Well, we have always had a joint account.

How does buying clothes and individual socialising work?

We buy clothes and socialise individually and we don't take the piss.

Good questions.

So for us, if I want to buy clothes I just buy clothes. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sometimes I’ll pick up something extra for my husband if he needs new tops/socks whatever or sometimes he’ll buy what he needs if he has time after work. We know how much money we have so we are buying on the high street and not designer 🤣 there isn’t anything to really think about.

Individual socialising is the same. Maybe he does a game of golf with a mate. I’ve gone for a few cafe trips with my friends that month. No one is keeping tabs. It’s pretty simple really! Don’t even think about it! The only time we’d discuss it wild be a big ticket item like a concert. And then it’s usually DH telling me to go and enjoy myself!

The presents thing- you can pay with cash or a credit card? (We rarely use debit cards because they don’t earn any points/airmiles.)

Half the time I know what my husband is getting me or vice versa anyway as we’ve been together so long so we just ask 🤣

Growing up this was a norm. My mom did not work, dad would give her all the money and she would manage it. When I got married, however, I wanted to have my own account, but my now exh persuaded me to join accounts. This turned out to be really bad idea. He was very controlling and stingy and was basically financially abusing me. Asking where each penny went, telling me what I should and should not be buying or being upset each time I did buy something without consulting him. As soon as we joined accounts, I felt that the money was not mine and was not comfortable spending it. On the other hand, he was doing whatever he wanted and treated it as his money. At one point he got us in a big trouble when he invested and lost loads of money. I used this as an opportunity to separate accounts. Told him I wanted to have my salary going into my account and we kept join account for basic things, like, utilities, gas and food. We had this set up until we divorced four years ago.

That's an interesting question really that I haven't really stopped and thought about.
I guess we both have an idea of how much money there is available after the essentials and savings go out each month. Any big purchases we chat about. Our definition of 'big' has probably changed as our disposable income has increased.

But smaller things like a bit of shopping or going out alone, we do as we please, I suppose neither of us spends excessively in the other person's opinion. It's certainly not an equal spend month to month. Like if I spend ££ on clothes, he doesn't need to spend ££ to feel like it's fair. I wouldn't feel justified in spending all the disposable cash that month, but I don't feel like I need to limit my spend to exactly half (or inflate it to half). In any case let's face it most disposable cash is spent on the kids and family stuff!

We gave been married for nearly 34 years.

We have never had a joint account.

I have always said it was fair and equal. When I was a SAHM, I paid for what we needed and kept a log and receipts and at the end of the month DH wrote me a cheque. He never once questioned a spend. However, I have never been the last of the big spenders.

I went back to work and started to pay for mine and the children's clothes and Haircuts, some of their activities and eventually my car. When I went back to work DH gave me a monthly cheque for £500 for food.

I always thought it was entirely fair but actually I think I was the spender and DH was the payer. So probably not totally fair - DH paid all the bills, and his personal spends were his car, his clothes (not excessive), a football season ticket and his love of opera.

We have never had an argument over money. There has, on occasion, been a lack of consultation but it's always paid off except for the wanky sports car

We pool but are similarly minded that it doesn’t cause arguments. If you’re not on the page, it’s probably best to keep in separate. Really, as long as no one is feeling hard done by it’s okay!

i don’t understand when one party keeps their own money whilst the other spends it all on the kids and then has to ask for hand outs… wouldn’t work for me

I couldn't imagine being married and not having that. How can you commit to a person for life and not have that?

We have separate accounts. I can't be bothered to have to explain where I'm spending my money and vice versa. I like my independence.

DH pays for all household bills, car purchases and school fees whilst I buy groceries, pet stuff, my car insurance and petrol and school bus travel.

I don't understand, but I would like to, so I asked 😊

I have never had a joint current account with DH. We do have some joint savings though as well as individual ISAs.

I am the higher earner now and make sure that we have the same individual spends each month. I don't need to see what he is frittering his disposal income on and I am sure that he doesn't care about my bank account either.

Also I absolutely trust him but you only need to read a few stories on here about women who also implicitly trusted their husbands and realise that it can go badly wrong. The only thing that would be a pain is if I died suddenly as most of the bills come out of my account.

My parents have been married for over 40 years and don't share finances, which in my mind is crazy.

DH and I put everything in the joint account, let all the bills come out, and then I take all the spending money and he takes all the money needed for buying food. He doesn't spend money other than buying food and coffee so that's where I come in 😆 it's all set amounts so it works.

Because that poster is describing a functioning, loving relationship. Ultimately, if you have a functioning, loving relationship it doesn’t matter whether or how you join or separate your money, because you love and respect each other and want to treat each other fairly. Likewise, if a relationship is dysfunctional and there’s a lot of resentment there, it also doesn’t matter whether or how you join or separate your finances. You can have everything you own held jointly and in joint accounts but without respect and care for each other - if one person checks the accounts and quibbles the other’s spending constantly, or the high earning partner doesn’t think the low earning partner deserves to spend “their” money, or if you don’t agree on how money should be spent - you’re still going to be miserable.

It does seem like the ones of us with joint accounts aren’t worrying or tallying up what their other half is buying. If I want some shoes I’d just buy them 🤷🏼‍♀️ my husband doesn’t think right I need to match that or it’s not fair! That doesn’t seem good for a relationship to me.

It seems odd to me that people
assume I’d be explaining all my purchases due to having a joint account. I don’t.

I can understand if you’re married to someone with a gambling problem or something.

Genuine question How do you buy each other Christmas or birthday presents if you just have a joint account? You know where the present is coming from and how much the other person has spent on it?

Other than that... Each to their own no? We have a joint account and separate accounts. We put a percentage of our salary into the joint account. Works for us. Might not for others 🤷

Me and DH have a shared credit card and shared savings account but separate current accounts just for security. I don’t want to pool all our monthly outgoings in one current account, it feels too vulnerable.

It’s definitely easier and more equitable having a joint account for joint expenses. But I never would want to have one pot with all the money in it. I don’t want to be under dh’s thumb or him under mine when it comes to spending.

If there is £3000 in there, and I want to buy myself a holiday the same month Dh wants to buy himself a new bike, we’re going to overdraw our account because technically it is ‘our’ money we can both spend. I don’t ever want to be checking with Dh if I’m allowed to book myself a weekend away. We have our own personal accounts where most of our money sits and we spend from there as we please. I’ve always had my own money and wouldn’t feel comfortable with anything else.

This is exactly how my parents managed money too. I remember my mum doing the same thing at the end of every month and then telling my dad what he owed her. Both my parents and my DH and I are accountants though which may be why this method appeals to us!

I love and trust my husband 100% and am confident we will be together forever. Nonetheless I would never ever have a joint account and I would advise my children (girls especially) to do the same. I’m the higher earner now but I haven’t always been and at every stage we’ve just contributed equal shares of our income to outgoings.

You say you want to understand why couples do this so for me it’s three reasons:

first, the principle of financial independence. So many women get screwed over by men financially. So many women trust their husbands on issues like this and are let down. I don’t believe my husband would ever do this to me but the further through life you go, the more women you see get screwed over in one way or another. They also didn’t believe this would happen to them. So why take any chances? And even if you believe there’s no chance (as I do in my case), it’s just a principle. I don’t believe marriage means having to fuse every aspect of your being. I’ve kept my own name too.

Second, I grew up watching my parents who did have joint finances. They were a happy loving couple and all worked pretty well but my dad was the one in charge of their finances. In my experience, in almost all cases of joint finances, one person is the boss. It’s rarely an entirely equal relationship.

Third, the arguing. My husband and I never argue about money and I mean literally never. Again, this isn’t my experience of friends who have joint accounts. I often overhear bickering about who spends too much on what and ‘oh don’t tell Steve I spent £200 on this dress’ or whatever.

So, those three things are my main reasons! It’s worked well for us in the 20-ish years of our relationship.

Joint account. We earn very differently but all money is joint. Neither of us monitor who spends what but we discuss potential purchases if they are something both of us may have an opinion on like a car both of us will drive or a joint holiday.

Because I don’t want DH to see and question every purchase that I make. Sometimes I want to treat myself to DC to something without needing to explain or justify it.
we know how much we earn, I know what the bills are and when they’re due so I pay those, DH pays the big bills (cars, mortgage etc) and whatever is left over is just given to each other if we need it depending on who has money left when the other is spent up (normally me as I only earn 1/9 of what he does).

Same

We never pooled out accounts. We just pay for different things and we're sure it balances out.

I paid for all the kids' stuff because I dealt with the nitty gritty of their lives. He paid the mortgage because it was his house that I moved into.

Married 26 years and our finances are effectively entwined but we've never really discussed how.

Works for us