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Original poster

To end my marriage

31 replies

Liquidsilver · 24/02/2025 20:19

Since the kids weee born 7 years ago my marriage has turned to shit. My H became so selfish and lazy, started working mega long hours and going out whenever he pleased. If I’m honest there is a woman he works with who always goes out with them and I’m convinced something is going on. He says he doesn’t want to be at home because I don’t show him any affection, how can I? I just know when we split he will end up with this other woman and worried things might turn nasty.

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 24/02/2025 20:25

Sounds shit all round. No fun for you, no fun for him... I'd start counselling or I'd call it a day.

Regarding the other woman; if you want to make it work then get a babysitter and join the group to get the measure of her. Although sounds like you're pretty much past that.

Original poster
Liquidsilver · 24/02/2025 20:35

Hufflemuff · 24/02/2025 20:25

Sounds shit all round. No fun for you, no fun for him... I'd start counselling or I'd call it a day.

Regarding the other woman; if you want to make it work then get a babysitter and join the group to get the measure of her. Although sounds like you're pretty much past that.

They spend weekend long festivals together and I just find it so frustrating as why would he want to be there with her and not his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidsilver · 24/02/2025 21:04

What if he does end up with this woman and it hurts?

OP posts:
StrawberryPavlova · 24/02/2025 21:18

I'd rather be single than be with a waste of space like he sounds. Any OW would be welcome to him.

JorgyPorgy · 24/02/2025 21:31

StrawberryPavlova · 24/02/2025 21:18

I'd rather be single than be with a waste of space like he sounds. Any OW would be welcome to him.

Try to get evidence then get ducks in a row and get rid

Original poster
Liquidsilver · 24/02/2025 21:56

StrawberryPavlova · 24/02/2025 21:18

I'd rather be single than be with a waste of space like he sounds. Any OW would be welcome to him.

He has told me he will have the kids 50:50 which would be amazing as they would see him more!

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 24/02/2025 22:44

He doesn't see them at all now so why would he want 50-50? Get all your ducks in a row financially. It's obvious something is going on, there's no pretending there isn't. He's taking you for an absolute mug. The reason he wants 50-50 is so that he doesn't have to pay child maintenance. Tell him to fuck off as far as that's concerned.

hididdlyho · 24/02/2025 23:01

You deserve much better. Are the weekend festivals in any way connected to his work or is it purely a social thing? It will hurt if he ends up with the OW, but it will be easier to manage the split if you're in the driving seat and initiate it. Don't be a woman who turns a blind eye to an absent husband and father and forgives affairs. If he's said he'll want the kids 50-50 then he's clearly thought about how a split may work, I would use this as a starting point to ask about how he sees your future. I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

Enough4me · 24/02/2025 23:05

Look at the pros as well as the cons. If he has the kids 50.50 you have time to get things done without bored kids at home, and to relax, find a hobby, get fit and find a new man to have fun with and more.
Let him go off with a woman who's happy to be with a married man. He's not a catch is he!?

CrispieCake · 24/02/2025 23:36

He won't have them 50-50. He's talking out of his hat, and probably quite likes the idea of not having to pay you any money. In reality, child maintenance paid to the other parent is usually the cheapest form of childcare available.

OP, if you're at the point where you don't enjoy sharing a house with him and seethe with (justified) resentment at the site of him, it's probably time to call it a day.

Original poster
Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 07:38

He has actually admitted to fancying this woman. So whilst I have been at home looking after the kids . He has been building a relationship with somebody else

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 25/02/2025 07:46

Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 07:38

He has actually admitted to fancying this woman. So whilst I have been at home looking after the kids . He has been building a relationship with somebody else

I'd confront him outright about it and say its her or me/the family. See what he says.

Of course it will hurt if he goes off with her - but it doesn't mean she will actually love him or the relationship will be a success. Spending festival weekends and work days together isn't the same as finding his skiddy boxers in the washing basket and washing them.

SoScarletItWas · 25/02/2025 07:49

Sounds like it’s run its course. Time to put what you want first. You deserve a loving, supportive, fun partnership where you do things together.

Right now H is having the fun, active part with someone else. Was there a time when the festival started that you went together? Can you get back to that? Might be too late; you might not be interested.

But you need to reframe this. Not about ‘what if it hurts if he gets with her?’ So what? You don’t want the life you have with him. So build a better one.

What he does afterwards is not as important as what you do.

If he’s saying he’ll have the kids 50/50 then splitting must be in his mind too. Could you sit down together and have a calm, unemotional conversation without blame or even mentioning OW/friend? Then both move on into the next phase of your lives.

Yes, you have resentment that you’ve stayed home with the kids. Let it go - those years are gone and you can’t change time. Bringing it up won’t get you anywhere. He’s not going to suddenly see the light and apologise/thank you/change his behaviour.

Look forward and see the past as not as important as what comes next for you.

wildfellhall · 25/02/2025 08:50

This sounds so painful OP and I wish you the strength you need to get through this time.

As a child of divorce I would always say try to get a few sessions of marriage guidance in if at all possible for the children's sake. If you hear each other's version of your marriage a few times in a safe setting it might make the end and the future more productive. It's wonderful to realise that two people do still share good things even at the end.

Some people are very late in growing up and there is a type that wants to stay a young partying person forever. Not every man/woman knows what it means to be a good father/mother & sometimes being a good father/mother means optimizing your relationship as far as is reasonable whether you're together or apart. Sharing children sounds straightforward but it's only as successful as the maturity of both of the parents IME

If you could start the process of him hearing your side and your hearing his it might make it easier to co parent going forward. Great co-parenting takes a lot of mutual generosity - if you can start working on that asap - it will benefit your kids literally for the rest of their lives.

How old are the kids? What kind of upbringing did your DH have? It sounds like maybe not a good father role model? Are his family good to you and the kids?

3luckystars · 25/02/2025 08:53

@wildfellhall what a lovely post.

i agree about the counselling x

wildfellhall · 25/02/2025 08:54

And as a PP said - audit your finances and audit your support systems before you commit to any action. Being a single mum is hard even if you have good resources and a lot of help, it can be very lonely work.

wildfellhall · 25/02/2025 08:55

3luckystars · 25/02/2025 08:53

@wildfellhall what a lovely post.

i agree about the counselling x

Xxxx

Original poster
Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 09:05

wildfellhall · 25/02/2025 08:50

This sounds so painful OP and I wish you the strength you need to get through this time.

As a child of divorce I would always say try to get a few sessions of marriage guidance in if at all possible for the children's sake. If you hear each other's version of your marriage a few times in a safe setting it might make the end and the future more productive. It's wonderful to realise that two people do still share good things even at the end.

Some people are very late in growing up and there is a type that wants to stay a young partying person forever. Not every man/woman knows what it means to be a good father/mother & sometimes being a good father/mother means optimizing your relationship as far as is reasonable whether you're together or apart. Sharing children sounds straightforward but it's only as successful as the maturity of both of the parents IME

If you could start the process of him hearing your side and your hearing his it might make it easier to co parent going forward. Great co-parenting takes a lot of mutual generosity - if you can start working on that asap - it will benefit your kids literally for the rest of their lives.

How old are the kids? What kind of upbringing did your DH have? It sounds like maybe not a good father role model? Are his family good to you and the kids?

He was brought up my his grandma as his mum was very young when she had him, dad not on the scene. We had counselling a few years ago when he left me with our 2 week old baby as he couldn’t cope. I have tried so hard but he doesn’t my pov. He has been so selfish to me, even when I planned a night out with my friends after 18 months of breastfeeding he didn’t come home so I could go out and I was sat dressed up crying. He has no respect for me whatsoever

OP posts:
wildfellhall · 25/02/2025 09:21

OP, how awful for you, I'm so sorry to hear that.

I wish you well and I hope you have some support from family and friends but God knows so many people solo parent with hardly any help at all, it's such a tough road.

Original poster
Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 09:35

wildfellhall · 25/02/2025 09:21

OP, how awful for you, I'm so sorry to hear that.

I wish you well and I hope you have some support from family and friends but God knows so many people solo parent with hardly any help at all, it's such a tough road.

I can never get hold of him to talk, he is so elusive.

OP posts:
ThighsYouCantControl · 25/02/2025 09:49

Liquidsilver · 24/02/2025 21:56

He has told me he will have the kids 50:50 which would be amazing as they would see him more!

Show quote history

The cynic in me is guessing he wants 50:50 to avoid paying child support. And without wanting to upset you further, because he’s already got a childcare plan lined up for that which would the OW. Who does sound like she’s his side piece.

The realist in me doubts that 50:50 arrangement would last all that long in practice or happen at all as OW may not want to be his on call babysitter…

Original poster
Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 09:56

ThighsYouCantControl · 25/02/2025 09:49

The cynic in me is guessing he wants 50:50 to avoid paying child support. And without wanting to upset you further, because he’s already got a childcare plan lined up for that which would the OW. Who does sound like she’s his side piece.

The realist in me doubts that 50:50 arrangement would last all that long in practice or happen at all as OW may not want to be his on call babysitter…

Show quote history

He doesn’t want to pay which is fine. I just want what is best for the children. I buy all their clothes and food at the minute so if he wants 50:50 that will have to change. Surely it would be cheaper for him to pay me £100 per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 09:58

He said he is going to take me to court. This is going to get so messy.

OP posts:
Burntt · 25/02/2025 10:07

Liquidsilver · 25/02/2025 09:58

He said he is going to take me to court. This is going to get so messy.

Take you to court over what? Would you not allow 50/50?

mini124 · 25/02/2025 10:14

Hi, message me privately so I can offer guidance from my own experience.