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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call DH self centered and not apologise

37 replies

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:02

I'm 38 weeks pregnant, still working. Very stressed. Today DH messaged me mid-work day and asked if I'd be ok with him booking a running gait analysis next week that's over 20 miles away. I'll be on maternity leave by then so in his words "sitting on my arse" and to avoid me going into labour solo whilst he's over the other side of the county he thinks I should go with him. Which aside from making no sense and taking me further away from my chosen birth hospital... I don't want to sit in a car for hours whilst he goes to his appointment. It's been manic these last few months and I just need to rest and prioritise myself for what little time I may have pre-birth.

I didn't call him selfish, because it's not selfish to prioritise his health and he is struggling with a bit of knee pain which I can empathise with. But his timing and reaction to me not being happy with the suggestion was really self centered. Full disclosure - I didn't respond that well because he really got my back up and has a habit of telling me to "not distract him during his work day" whilst sending me this inane shit. But in all honesty I'm just sad that he didn't have the self awareness that I'm a stressed, hormonal, in constant pain and frankly have enough on my plate right now.

This time in my first pregnancy I developed preeclampsia and I delivered early. The last thing I want to have to spend my time and energy thinking about is his bloody running gait analysis.

We've since had a massive argument and he's demanding I apologise for calling him self centered. It's obviously all blown out of proportion. But I'm pissed off, my back is now cramping and I don't see the benefit of apologising for something I stand by.

OP posts:
Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:03

*amended to say inane and not insane

OP posts:
SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:06

You might have a lot on your plate but I can’t see how that means he’s being self centred by wanting to go to an appointment. He obviously did consider you or he wouldn’t have suggested you go with him. His consideration might have been way off the mark for you (although I can’t see why) but there clearly was some. So your accusation of self centred is inaccurate, so should be apologised for.

The man isn’t a mind reader.

MyUmberSeal · 24/02/2025 20:07

I think you’re both just a bit fraught. It will seem better in the morning. As you say, it’s been blown out of proportion so I wouldn’t bother getting stressed about it. Sleep on it, and if you really feel pissed off still, then just explain to him what you have explained to us above. He might feel a wolly and all will be fine. Storm in a teacup.

SnoopySantaPaws · 24/02/2025 20:07

You're 38 weeks pregnant it doesn't feel right to tell you YABU, however it's only 20 miles away and unless he's walking, I can't actually see the problem here with him going.

Suggesting you go too is ridiculous, unless you would kick up more of a fuss if he didn't

He's a bit of hypocrite though for sending you a message about something so minor if he has been having a go at you for disturbing him during the workday.

mynameiscalypso · 24/02/2025 20:09

There's zero point you going, that seems like an utter waste of time. But I don't think I would have minded if my DH was 20 miles away in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:10

I think my OP has been misread I couldn't give a shit if he went. Fine by me. I wouldn't even care if he went when I had a newborn. I'd be quite happy to be home solo. My issue is that me made demands of me to have to go with him.

OP posts:
PrincessOfPreschool · 24/02/2025 20:11

He is self centred. Why does he have to sort out his running gait now? Or probably wasn't the nicest thing to say, albeit the truth!

Anyway, when you're both stressed it's normal to be snappy and if neither of you can get over it/ be a bit graceful with each other then the next year is going to be a nightmare.

You could apologise for hurting his feelings (sometimes the truth hurts!). But if it were me, I would have a nice bath, try to relax and then go to sleep.

ElsaLing · 24/02/2025 20:13

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:10

I think my OP has been misread I couldn't give a shit if he went. Fine by me. I wouldn't even care if he went when I had a newborn. I'd be quite happy to be home solo. My issue is that me made demands of me to have to go with him.

If you still can, you may want to edit your OP to make this more clear, as I think lots of people will not pick up on this.

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:13

ElsaLing · 24/02/2025 20:13

If you still can, you may want to edit your OP to make this more clear, as I think lots of people will not pick up on this.

Too late unfortunately.

OP posts:
thaisweetchill · 24/02/2025 20:14

"No thanks I'll stay at home"

Then this would have ended it all and not caused an argument... sorry but you're hormonal and being unreasonable.

BoredZelda · 24/02/2025 20:15

He didn't demand it though, he gave an option.

purplecorkheart · 24/02/2025 20:19

YANBU. There is no reason at all for you to make that journey and sit around waiting for him to complete his appointment. His is a man, not a child he does not need a responsible adult with him.

Saturdaynightlive · 24/02/2025 20:19

It doesn't read like he demanded anything of you?. 20 miles isn't that far. What would it be a 30min drive. Enjoy sitting at home on your arse while he's gone. You're on the same team, if he's hurt apolgise and move on.

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:20

Did he demand you go then? Or was he worried that you wouldn’t want to be alone and thought you might prefer it? I could see lots of men making that sort of well meaning but misguided mistake.

What did he say when you said you didn’t want to go?

LaineyCee · 24/02/2025 20:21

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:06

You might have a lot on your plate but I can’t see how that means he’s being self centred by wanting to go to an appointment. He obviously did consider you or he wouldn’t have suggested you go with him. His consideration might have been way off the mark for you (although I can’t see why) but there clearly was some. So your accusation of self centred is inaccurate, so should be apologised for.

The man isn’t a mind reader.

But it’s not a pre-existing appointment. It’s a non-essential jolly he’s going on as part of his hobby. It’s the same as if he were proposing he go off for a game of golf, or similar recreation. Now probably isn’t the best time.

And I don’t think suggesting a heavily pregnant woman with severe back pain sit in a car waiting for him for an hour indicates thoughtfulness.

And as for the demanding apology! Because of course (even now) it all has to be about him and how he feels.

outerspacepotato · 24/02/2025 20:26

Is he insane?

user2848502016 · 24/02/2025 20:33

Well I mean yes you going along would be silly, unless you make a day out of it and have lunch or something, but if you don't want to go you can relax at home.
20 miles isn't the other side of the country though is it and it won't take hours in the car - more like 30 minutes? Better to do it now than when you have a few week old baby.
Also assuming you're showing signs of being in labour he won't actually go?

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:39

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:20

Did he demand you go then? Or was he worried that you wouldn’t want to be alone and thought you might prefer it? I could see lots of men making that sort of well meaning but misguided mistake.

What did he say when you said you didn’t want to go?

He said it wasn't an issue and that he expected it to be too close to the birth date. Then started complaining about how I attacked him and called him selfish and I had a bad attitude. I've never called him selfish. And I never said it was too close, so it just felt like a bit of a pity party rather than him actually understanding my POV.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 24/02/2025 20:41

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:10

I think my OP has been misread I couldn't give a shit if he went. Fine by me. I wouldn't even care if he went when I had a newborn. I'd be quite happy to be home solo. My issue is that me made demands of me to have to go with him.

Then say no you are not going and move on, he can demand what he wants you don't have to do it

DappledThings · 24/02/2025 20:43

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:39

He said it wasn't an issue and that he expected it to be too close to the birth date. Then started complaining about how I attacked him and called him selfish and I had a bad attitude. I've never called him selfish. And I never said it was too close, so it just felt like a bit of a pity party rather than him actually understanding my POV.

I'm not sure I understand your point of view either. Did he demand you come or did he just suggest it? Maybe he thought you might be happier being with him in case you did suddenly go into labour and you'd be able to get to the hospital quicker as you'd be with him in the car.

Unless there's a whole other way he spoke to you that you haven't included you seem to have jumped to quite an angry conclusion.

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:48

DappledThings · 24/02/2025 20:43

I'm not sure I understand your point of view either. Did he demand you come or did he just suggest it? Maybe he thought you might be happier being with him in case you did suddenly go into labour and you'd be able to get to the hospital quicker as you'd be with him in the car.

Unless there's a whole other way he spoke to you that you haven't included you seem to have jumped to quite an angry conclusion.

Possibly so, which I why I'm asking. I definitely saw red at his double standards of messaging me this during the work day and I guess yes I am feeling like I could do little bit of extra care and consideration, rather than someone trying to manage my day to fit their priorities.

OP posts:
PhilomenaPunk · 24/02/2025 20:49

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:06

You might have a lot on your plate but I can’t see how that means he’s being self centred by wanting to go to an appointment. He obviously did consider you or he wouldn’t have suggested you go with him. His consideration might have been way off the mark for you (although I can’t see why) but there clearly was some. So your accusation of self centred is inaccurate, so should be apologised for.

The man isn’t a mind reader.

So it's okay for him to tell OP she'll just be "sitting on her arse" in the last few weeks of her pregnancy so she should go with him as that suits him best? Raise your bar a bit.

endlesscraziness · 24/02/2025 20:56

My husband was 2hrs away with work when I was overdue. I told him not to come until I had the midwife sign off that I was in active labor. So yes I think you're way over reacting! It's 20 miles fgs. Calm down

Saturdaynightlive · 24/02/2025 20:58

To be fair, most people I know,.me included spent the last few weeks of pregnancy sitting on their arse watching TV. When he suggested going, he didn't say you will come with me & sit in the car and wait' did he. Maybe the idea was to spend a little time together on the epic 30-minute drive across the country. Maybe there's a decent shopping center nearby that she might want to look around while he's at his appointment. Who knows. All things considered sounds like a miscommunication that can be easily solved with a quick conversation, an apology, and a foot rub.

Notgivenuphope · 24/02/2025 21:00

You both sound incredibly dramatic.
Grow up (both) a bit before the baby arrives ehh?