Being called a smelly cunt

[Shady11]

My partner of 20 years loves calling me names. I’ve been called cunt before but he called me a smelly cunt this time then tried to say I started the argument. I still don’t think it warrants the abusive name.
I feel like everything I do is wrong, it’s never good enough he knit picks at me over every thing and barely makes eye contact it’s always about him, his job how busy he is. I feel really lost like I don’t matter, I’ve never felt good enough for him. In them 20 years we had kids on his terms, I was pregnant he didn’t want it I ended up losing the baby and eventually 10 years later he was ready to try I’ve two amazing kids now, but he has never even asked me to marry him: i feel really disconnected and utterly useless

For any kind of domestic abuse.

Do people really change? Has anyone actually found it works?

He is showing you who he is and ypu put up with it, Why would he need to change?

Apolo if wrong, but I’m sure you’ve posted about him/your abusive relationship many times. If you’re the same poster, I’m not sure what anyone can add in terms of advice about leaving.

Anyone who called me that would be out of my life. Unacceptable.

How much is the house worth and how much is the mortgage? You need to know how much you have in the house.

You need to get a job, it will give you confidence and help you meet new people.

Ducks in a row. LTB.

Op this is abuse and its never ever acceptable. Why are you considering that he's not asked you to marry him when he's calling you such horrible things. You need to link in with womens aid, they will walk you through leaving. It's really hard and scary but I'm 6 months post leaving and honestly it's hard initially but now I'm doing OK. My situation is a bit different but i ultimately left because the idea of my son growing up to think his father's behaviour was acceptable and that being his blueprint was worse to me, than the idea of him being raised in a poorer house with a single mum. I worried about him being unsafe in my home.

You need to start getting your ducks in a row, start saving any little bits of money you can, some women do this by buying gift cards in the tesco shop and giving them to trusted friends or opening a secret bank account you put any extra cash into so there's no paper trail. Use a womens charity, get a good solicitor (you would possibly be entitled to legal aid) again womens aid can walk you through your entitlements. Apply for housing through your local authority, report him to police and social services. Meet with a careers service to discuss jobs you could qualify for. There's loans you could take for further education.

This does not need to be the rest of your life.

Leave, or ask him to. I have neighbours who argue loudly, after one unpleasant experience trying to see if anyone needed help, I have denounced them as bad as each other.

it is very much not normal for people to be arguing to a point where name calling is this bad.

And the rest of the population doesn’t need to hear it, like with me and my neighbours, especially my children who have only heard shouting and language like that from the neighbours.

Unless there is a massive drip, get out or kick him out.

No this is my first time on here as I’ve no one really to talk to about it. I don’t want to upset my parents thinking I’m being spoken to like that they don’t have great health as is and I just can’t do it to them

You are suffering abuse. Take your kids and get out to a refuge. They will help you get maintenance from him and benefits if needed to support you and your kids seperate from him.

The first step is to ring them and get out. He won't change, so you must leave him.

I must be getting you mixed up with another poster, women’s aid is the best way forward. It’s not a situation to bring up children in.

That’s such good advise I’m glad ur doing good. And that is what I worry about the poorer house and house he single mom as we are in a really good area at the moment. He has called me names in front of my child before and I definitely do not want them thinking that’s ok. I really hope this is the last straw for me

The marriage thing that I mentioned is not me wanting that I feel like it’s just another thing that we always held over me like a kick in the stomach of you’re not even good enough to marry a way of keeping me down

You poor thing, you must be so miserable

I really hope this is the last straw for me
This is conpletely in your control.

You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s worn you down so you are completely destroyed and feel like you cannot cope without him and his abuse. Please seek help to leave. For your sake and your children’s. He’s not an amazing or brilliant or whatever dad, they are being abused by him because they are witnessing i
him abuse you. In my experience these monsters do eventually start directly abusing their children sooner or later.

eta no you have the anxiety and panic attacks because you are being abused.

So you had been with this abusive person for 10 years and then went ahead and still had children with him, putting yourself in an even more vulnerable position? Girl………

… this is all your own doing. On the bright side, in the UK you can leave and survive decently as a single parent. I would strongly consider it. He is abusive and you need to leave.

If you were my daughter I'd want to help. Health or otherwise.

When I say your own doing I don’t mean that’s it’s your fault that he’s abusive, though. There’s no excuse for his behaviour.

You know the answer.
You know you need to leave
This is such a waste of your life.

You have your kids now . Leave and bring them up with peace and knowing respect .

It is not OP's doing. These abusive creeps tend to start slow and undermine by stealth, often escalating after children are conceived and the woman is especially vulnerable. Focused on childcare and trying to make the best of it, the drip drip of abuse wears away at the woman's self-belief and agency. These men also target women who are already vulnerable to accepting shit behaviour due to a shit childhood/previous abuse.

OP, this is worth a look: www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

But the most important thing is to get advice on how you can move forward.

This is all your own doing

Fuck me, victim blaming at it's best. How do you think that's going to make the OP feel when she's already been ground down by her abusive husband.

Girl... engage your brain before typing a reply to something you obviously have no clue about 🙄

He can't hold it over you ever again. You now know he's not fit to marry anyone. You get to reject him and his abusive crap.

LTB..........for coercive control.

You deserve much better than him, and he deserves much worse than you

That’s it I’m not a stupid person by any stretch of the imagination it is being worn down I’ve never had much confidence in myself I always had a sense of not being good enough not smart enough not pretty enough I genuinely think people can see that in you. And they prey on it