To ask how you split your household finances?

[FlipFlopFairy]

My husband and I have separate bank accounts but split the outgoings to allow us to have the same ‘spends’ each month. I know that sounds fair, but what I challenge is what is classed as household outgoings.

For transparency, he earns about 2.5 times my salary, and his bonuses pay for holidays.

I suppose fixed outgoings would be a better phrase than household outgoings. Included in his fixed outgoings is payments for his 2 cars. I have a company car, so my car payments are taken from my gross salary.

Because he has included both cars in his outgoings, it means less ‘spends’ for me, and it feels like I’m helping to fund his cars, when I’m funding my own already.

On top of this, my outgoings include responsibility for variables, such as food and shoes and clothes for the children, so some months I have less ‘spends’ than others. It just feels quite imbalanced.

When I’ve raised this, he just cannot seem to see my point of view. He only sees that his total outgoings from his bank account far exceed mine, and not that his cars (at the very least, the second car) are more of a personal expense, in the same way mine is.

AIBU to think that our expenses need to be reworked to be more fair?

Both pay an agreed amount into a joint account. This pays for all joint expenses - mortgage, bills, kids etc. cars and personal stuff come out of your own money.

My husband and I also keep our finances separate in our own banks, but when we got married we got a joint bank account which we agreed to put the same amount into each month to cover mutual expenses so bills, subscriptions, food shop, etc. personal cars would not be included in this

I get what you ate saying...

Basically the 2nd car is a "hobby" cost. Other hobby costs come out of your personal money, but not this one. But you both have less hobby money as part of the hobby budget is spent before you both get it.

Meanwhile you are also subbing an essential (food/clothes) out of your hobby money, probably because you do the shopping for such items?

It does mean I have less personal money to spend, which can impact what I say yes to, socially

We have all our money paid into one account. Then DD to savings pots, automatic payments for credit cards (we buy everything on CC to get points and cash back and insurance purposes and pay off in full). Then we just use the rest as we like. We have a similar attitude to spending though, I’m not sure it would work if someone spent loads and the other person wasn’t happy with it.

We put all our money together, bills are paid, money saved, then we both spend what we like. We tell the other about big purchases. Sometimes I’ll spend more, sometimes he will. We’ve always done it this way even when I was a SAHM.

One pot, a complicated spreadsheet and when all household costs come out of it (and I'd include one car each on that, along with mobile bills, childcare, food, savings etc) we make sure we're left with the same amount of personal spends.

I'd say his second car (which is presumably a luxury) should come out of his personal spends as it's unnecessary.

Basically you need 3 accounts:

His own account
Your own account
Joint bank - where all the money goes in and all the bills go out.

You each have equal spends monthly whatever that may be transferred to your own personal accounts for your own personal spending. So something that's directly for you.

Whatever is left after bills in the joint account is to be spent on stuff for the kids, dinner money or anything that relates to the house like top up shops

Then a saving account.

We do all money into the joint account, then equal spends. But the joint account covers EVERYTHING joint. E.g a budget each month for food, for holidays, a pot for house repairs, kids birthdays, savings, kids clothes. Everything joint goes on a credit card and gets paid off in full at the end of the month from joint money. So my "spends" are totally mine. On the cars, I don't see your point. Your car reduces the amount you put in the joint account, and his are a bill. You might not want him to have two, and I can see why! But given that he does, and you are able to use them then I don't see the problem.

Can you not see how unfair this is in instances where women have taken on the brunt of the childcare responsibilities and had maternity leaves etc.? Why should a woman have a lower standard of living than her own husband?

Yes, exactly this! Thanks for summing it up so simply.
The food and clothes have an allocated budget from the family pot, so I’m not paying for all of that from my hobby money, just when it goes over the allocated budget.
At the bare minimum, that needs to be addressed.
Edit to acknowledge I realise you said subbing and I was thinking funding

We don’t split our finances

Surely you need to back work what amount you want to have each month so you have enough money to do what you wish and then work out the fairest way to achieve that? Ie bottom up approach rather than top down.

2.4 children, together from University. Earn roughly the same, maybe £20k difference but it's balanced out over the years
Everything wholly shared.
We each have ISAS and savings in our names for tax reasons but everything is pooled.

Could you not decide between you a certain amount that you each have for spends, ie, you each have £1,000 personal spending money, anything above that goes into the joint account. Then at the end of the month, anything left in the joint account, goes into a savings account in joint names, that you BOTH have to sign to withdraw from, and use that to pay for holidays, unexpected stuff, house repairs, etc. That way, more of his wages goes into the joint account and pays for both his cars, you each have the same amount of 'spending money' to spend as you wish, and anything left over at the end of the month is saved. As you've said he earns more than twice what you do OP, you would definitely benefit from a set up like this.

I don’t agree with posters saying he earns more therefore he deserves more luxury than his wife. That’s awful. Are they a partnership or not?

I think if you’ve agreed this system you need to be clear about what is a family spend and what isn’t. As you’re finding it’s sometimes difficult to get that clear but a second car, unless it’s needed for work or something, definitely shouldn’t be a joint expenditure. If you’re struggling to get that message through perhaps you should start driving the second car. Why not if you’re paying for it?

I think I'm clearly in the minority here but we have separate finances. We both earn about the same, but I'm currently part-time. We both pay into a joint account monthly (we used to do a 50/50 split but now dh does 60/I do 40 so it's proportional). We pay all bills and all DC related stuff from there, apart maybe the occasional treat.

We have different priorities and different ways to spend our remaining "personal" money so it makes sense to me. We also have separate investments, because although we are happy now, you just never know what the future has in store.

That sounds sensible. But I would need him to agree that the second car is a luxury/hobby expense

You have a good deal!

We used do exactly the same before we had kids. And somewhere along the line with maternity leaves and the gradual disparity in earnings, we got to where we are now.
I would be quite happy to revert to this formula. BUT we still have the issue of him thinking the second car is a household expense rather than a personal expense

No joint bank accounts - all bills 50/50 - want to keep it this way

We don’t have a joint account. We pay bills proportionate to take home pay and just sort of wing the rest of what we spend.

I feel the same. So what that he earns more? Someone in a household typically does, and that shouldn’t mean they have more to spend.
He couldn’t have reached the salary level he’s at without me picking up the slack at home when he’s working long hours or away on business.

YABU 🙄

Yes, but my car deduction is far less than his first car, let alone the second car. And whilst I am insured on both, I have driven the first car a handful of times, never driven the second car, nor would he be happy to let me. Because I have my own car, that I pay for. And can only drive 1 car at a time