advice on how to decline pressures of attending funeral of family member after past fall out

[BentleybooandHuntertoo]

My partner had a fall out with some of his family a few years ago, without sounding biased towards him , please believe me when I say, he was not the bad guy in this fall out, it was down to a few particular family members being very insensitive and selfish regarding a sensitive issue with other family members, and when my partner disagreed with their behavior/spoke up on it, they turned on him and he has had no contact with them since and we have just kept ourselves to ourselves where they are concerned.

Anyway 5 years on, one of the said family members he has become estranged with has passed away, we have been informed and are being pressured into attending the funeral, I have had a long chat with my partner to see how he feels and he categorically does not want to attend ( I support either way) purely on the basis he has done nothing wrong and has purely stuck to his principles which I respect.
Anyway please refrain from preaching about ‘life too short’ ‘ but its family’ as they really were out of order and have made no attempt to apologize ETC and it has caught a lot of hurt feelings.
I feel its only right we respond to the constant invitations/pressure to attend the funeral, but I feel we can respond with decorum because to be honest we are both decent people and don’t want to stoop to their level of being childish/instigating a slanging match.

I basically want to respond outlining we have not intentions of attending and that we are so hurt by what has happened we simply feel there is no relation/reason there that warrants our attendance (or words to that effect) but do it in a way that makes it clear its not up for argument/debate.

I would appreciate some ideas on how to respond to this.

Just to clarify, who exactly is pressuring your DH to attend the funeral?
If it is estranged family members, you simply ignore their communication.
If it is other family members who think your DH should let bygones be bygones then he simply says I will not be attending the funeral. He doesn't need to explain or justify his absence. It really is no one else's business.
In fact he really doesn't need to respond at all.

A tough one, maybe just send condolences and state that you are unable to attend.

Saying why you won't go will most likely cause more problems and isn't the right time to open old wounds.

Just ignore it. You dont have to say whether you're going or not.

Any responding should come from DH.

you need to have his back on this i think. You have asked him, he doesn't want to go, so you need to support him in this.

How is this pressure manifesting itself? phone calls? "do not call me about this again, if you do i will block your number" and do it (he needs to)
Visits: do not come here again, you are not welcome. Any more visits are harassment and will be reported to the police.

etc etc.
Bottom line he could say: They are dead they don't care if i'm there or not, why do you?. but that opens a dialogue.

You don't need to make excuses or go into any detail. Just say once more that you won't be attending and it's not up for discussion. Then ignore and don't engage. No can physically drag you to the funeral, just don't go.

I think a polite refusal with no explanation would probably be the least stressful thing to do. "We will be unable to attends X's funeral on ...... insert date." And if you're feeling it "sincere condolences to the family". That's it. No more comms on the subject.
Awful situation but totally understand why your husband doesn't want to go. Funerals can be messy affairs, especially with dysfunctional families.

Your support is really decent of you.

Can he not co ordinate this himself though?

He and you will walk away feeling much better with a card of condolences to the most appropriate person leading things funeral wise / partner/ child. State in the card how sorry you are for their loss. You are unable to attend the funeral service. You send love and well wishes.

End of. No more communication.

It's decent, it's polite, it's firm, it's not game playing.

No explanation is needed here. Deceased person won't give a shit will they!

This! Don’t get into the whys and wherefores of the whole thing - no point in bringing up history/recycling old arguments, particularly given that some of the people involved will be grieving. It’s not a time to be point scoring.

a simple card, condolences, and we are unable to attend is all that is needed.

Do not provide an explanation. Whether you think your 'explanation' will brook no further discussion, you can guarentee that in this instance, someone will pick it up like a terrier and you'll get no peace.
Just say 'no, we will not be attending'. No explanation, no excuse, no added words

Say no, no need to get into who was right/wrong. Your husband can say, no we'll not be going.
End of conversation.

simple Text response ‘we will not be attending.’

if they persist - reiterate-‘ as previously stated - we will not be attending’ then I would just ignore any further messages. You have clearly stated your position and it is not up for debate or conversation.

don’t go into details or bring up all the past hurt. Just factually respond you are not going

No one had to go to anyone’s funeral and you don’t need to explain your reasons to anyone.

"Thank you for letting us know about X's funeral. We will not be attending but of course send condolences for your loss"

Written in a card, by your DH, sent in the post.

Agree simple, short and polite is the best way to go.

Why does it have to be so complicated? Just say no, we won't be going and our decision is final. There's no need for chest-beating is there?

Your partner does not need to justify his choice to anyone.

A firm 'I will not be attending' is enough and I would not get involved in further discussions about it with relatives after that.

There always will be people who try to tell you how to live your life. The best way is to stick to your own values and decisions and not play along with them.

This exactly

Surely attending is worse as it’s hypocritical?

Say as little as possible & never explain.

We will not be attending Xs funeral.

If you get push back do not elaborate just keep saying - As we preciously informed you we will not be attending Xs funeral.

This - so to help, I’d go and buy the card and get a stamp and write the name and address on and post it - but it needs to be your DH who writes the message.

Is it family members you are still close to who are pressuring you to attend? Is it becuase they want DH's support for their own grief?

But surely a simple, "we don't think it would be appropriate for us to attend after what happened. I hope the service goes well and will be thinking of you" (assuming the people pressuring are people you actually do like. Leave the last sentence out if it's other people you're estranged with.)

I think just say “we won’t be attending” and leave it at that. People will know the reason you aren’t attending if they all know about the estrangement anyway. If you get people pushing you further to go say “We won’t be discussing it further, you know our reasons”.

Another vote for this response.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, you cannot have a sensible and rational conversation about the deceased's behaviour with someone who is grieving. Now is not the time to try and convince any wider family that your DH is the right in whatever the dispute was with the deceased. People deflect grief and anger into all sorts of peripheral things when they are grieving and your DH does not need the drama in his life of him being their deflection point. And it's not hypocritical to just send a polite card to the grieving person expressing condolences - it's just decent manners about being sorry for what they are going through, even if you don't think they should have sided with the deceased person in the argument.

A bit of both , extended family members who know about the fall out but aren't directly involved and one of the main perpetrators who caused most of the issues in the first place.

We genuinely think the only reason they want us there is to alleviate their conscience and show face with wider family members and friends that we are all ok now

Just decline the ‘invitation’. I didn’t go to the funeral of the man who called himself my father. We had been estranged for about six months, I just said ‘No, I don’t want to’ when asked by other family members to attend. Absolutely no regrets - there definitely would have been if I’d attended!