advice on how to decline pressures of attending funeral of family member after past fall out

[BentleybooandHuntertoo]

My partner had a fall out with some of his family a few years ago, without sounding biased towards him , please believe me when I say, he was not the bad guy in this fall out, it was down to a few particular family members being very insensitive and selfish regarding a sensitive issue with other family members, and when my partner disagreed with their behavior/spoke up on it, they turned on him and he has had no contact with them since and we have just kept ourselves to ourselves where they are concerned.

Anyway 5 years on, one of the said family members he has become estranged with has passed away, we have been informed and are being pressured into attending the funeral, I have had a long chat with my partner to see how he feels and he categorically does not want to attend ( I support either way) purely on the basis he has done nothing wrong and has purely stuck to his principles which I respect.
Anyway please refrain from preaching about ‘life too short’ ‘ but its family’ as they really were out of order and have made no attempt to apologize ETC and it has caught a lot of hurt feelings.
I feel its only right we respond to the constant invitations/pressure to attend the funeral, but I feel we can respond with decorum because to be honest we are both decent people and don’t want to stoop to their level of being childish/instigating a slanging match.

I basically want to respond outlining we have not intentions of attending and that we are so hurt by what has happened we simply feel there is no relation/reason there that warrants our attendance (or words to that effect) but do it in a way that makes it clear its not up for argument/debate.

I would appreciate some ideas on how to respond to this.

"Our condolences for your loss. Due to the fractured relationship between ourselves and xyz we will not be attending the funeral. It would be disingenuous on our behalf and take away from what the focus should be. Please respect our decision, we will not be discussing the matter further".

This is essentially what I said when my father died. I didn't go to the funeral.

We are unable to attend.

No drama, job done.

Send condolences in a card with apologies that you are unable to attend the funeral. That's it. No further explanation. Don't tell them its because of past hurt they caused you or anything like that, don't engage with that at all.

In estranged families, further explanation often just provides them with fuel for more conflict and you want to avoid that for your partner. Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) in this sort of situation. Support your partners decision not to go, he may be finding it difficult even if he puts on a brave face. perhaps do something else with him that day especially if he wants to remember this person quietly in his own way.

Your partner does not want to attend. That is his choice.

I think an email to the main family members that states clearly 'Sorry for your loss. Thank you for the invitation, but we will not be attending. Regards'

And leave it at that. Ignore all further communications.

I had the same issue a few years ago when someone related to my ds passed away and his dad's side wanted ds to attend, aged 3. He didn't want to, and it was completely inappropriate for a small child. The 'one clear statement and then silence' worked, eventually.

Send a card to the undertaker. Marked "family of X (deceased).

"Condolences of the death of ---, so sorry for your loss.

Mary and Joe."

No need to confirm or deny your attendance. Ignore all that and the flying monkeys (not easy I know).

Never explain. It's your decision and yours only.

If he really doesn't want to attend then just send his condolences for their loss and don't go. Emotions tend to run high at funerals and it's probably not the place to try to mend any bridges as the focus will be on the deceased.

I have two 85yo blood relatives and a BIL who I'm VLC with and would probably not wish to attend their funerals either. (Although tbf I'm unlikely to be notified by their other halves as they don't have my current contact details and they will all probably have direct cremations anyway!)

I wouldn't attend the funeral either; or be drawn into explaining or defending my reasons for not doing so as they should be obvious. I'd just reply as pp said with a simple "thanks for letting us know but we won't be attending." I'd also ignore any pressure to attend.

I know someone who is the master of the 'subsequent engagement'. IE the engagement you make up when you don't want to do or need to do something. My friend employed it for the funeral of his brother - his brother was a toxic nasty piece of shit who stole money from my friend and my ILs and who was whacked out of his brains on drugs most of the time and who tried to sell drugs to his own nieces.

'So sorry to hear about the passing of [x]. Sadly we are away at this time / have a hip operation scheduled / will be attending the wedding of a dear friend / cannot attend but hope it goes well to all loved ones'.

Insert excuse of choice.