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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go see my Mum

28 replies

sidsparrownew · 24/02/2025 11:30

My Mum didn't bring me up but as adults we have formed a good relationship and I do very much care about her and love her. She lives in Australia and I in the UK. Recently she had a big operation and in recovery took a couple of mini strokes. After 2 weeks it seems her condition is getting worse and has stopped eating and not doing any physio. I think the hospital have her on too much medication but that's just a feeling. Her partner has asked me to go over and see her to help lift her spirits. And although I agree it would help it would mean leaving my 2 DC (5 and 7) for just over a week. I know DH will look after them and everyone will be fine, but I can't bear the thought of being so far away from them and for so long. I can barely manage a night away from them when I have gone to see friends.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do want to help but the whole thing is giving me major anxiety.

Oh and also I am 7 weeks pregnant. My last 2 pregnancies ended in miscarriage and I'm scared this one is going the same way. I have a scan on Thursday.

Should I go, or should I kindly refuse?

OP posts:
XWKD · 24/02/2025 11:32

If you can't go, you can't go.

pimplebum · 24/02/2025 11:33

Can you zoom ?
send care packages ?

Original poster
sidsparrownew · 24/02/2025 11:35

pimplebum · 24/02/2025 11:33

Can you zoom ?
send care packages ?

I did send a care package and it arrived last week and I know it really cheered her up. We were doing video calls up until the stroke but since then, nothing, which does concern me. I know she has her phone but I've had no response.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 24/02/2025 11:37

If it was me I'd go and see her. Sounds like her health is declining and it could be that you haven't got many chances left to go and see her. I understand you feel anxious leaving your little ones but as you said yourself they would be fine with their dad for a week. They're 5&7 not toddlers so personally I'd get over the anxiety and go see my mom

Purplebunnie · 24/02/2025 11:40

Any chance you, DH and the DC could all go together? Make it your holiday for this year. It's probably impractical but just a thought

Original poster
sidsparrownew · 24/02/2025 11:42

Purplebunnie · 24/02/2025 11:40

Any chance you, DH and the DC could all go together? Make it your holiday for this year. It's probably impractical but just a thought

Yeah it's a good idea but sadly unaffordable. I can't even get my own ticket. My Mum's partner has offered to pay my fare. But yeah, if we could all go I wouldn't think twice 😊

OP posts:
Nannyfannybanny · 24/02/2025 11:42

Gently speaking,if you cannot bear to even leave your children overnight,that's you and your anxiety..it's lovely you have made the peace with your mum, trust me, I know from experience,if she passed away and you don't see her,you will regret it..I do appreciate it's a huge journey and you are nervous about the pregnancy. I wish you well.please keep us updated
🌹

CherryPopShowerGel · 24/02/2025 11:50

Gently OP, this could be a really good experience for you, to learn that you can leave your kids and everyone will be okay. Is there a back story to why you don't feel you can leave them with their other parent and everyone will be fine?

Situations will come up in life when you need to be away from them for a time, and I think it would make sense to explore this now before another baby comes along and you will no doubt never want to leave them.

You love her, you care about her, she's had a surgery and is in a bad way. I don't think you owe her anything, if you really don't want to go. But if it's just your anxiety stopping you, I think you should go.

LadyLucyWells · 24/02/2025 11:51

I would try to go, I think it might be really good for you all round.

pizzaHeart · 24/02/2025 11:54

I absolutely understand your anxiety but if your partner can manage work commitments wise it will be good for him and kids.
Pregnancy would stop me though.

Springadorable · 24/02/2025 12:04

If you can afford it then I'd go. It will be much harder once you're more pregnant/have a third child. It doesn't sound outside the realms of possiblity that this might be your last chance to see her.

Porkyporkchop · 24/02/2025 12:08

I wouldn’t risk my pregnancy so early on. Does your mum know you are pregnant? That news might be lovely for her to hear.

Smartiepants79 · 24/02/2025 12:12

You say she is worsening? What if she never recovers. Can you live with it if this is the last opportunity to see her?
I would have to go of it was me. Your children are not babies and will manage just fine for a week with their other loving parent.
Ask for doctors advice about pregnancy.

SallyWD · 24/02/2025 12:12

I would go. I think you'd regret it if you didn't, especially if her health declined even further. A week is very little time to be away. If ti was my mum, I wouldn't think twice. I'd want to be there. However, I understand it's different for you as you weren't brought up by her.

Snippit · 24/02/2025 12:15

Put yourself and your family first. I definitely wouldn’t make this journey if there’s a possibility of a miscarriage. It’s an exhausting flight, I’ve done the virtual non stop which took 24hours, just stopped over for refuels.

Can you Zoom call her or similar to boost her well being? If people haven’t made this flight before I don’t think they fully understand how stressful it is, absolutely knackering!

Redrosesposies · 24/02/2025 12:15

No don't go. Please don't be guilted into doing this. Your children are your priority and if your mother loves you she will accept this.
Her partner is probably frightened and casting around for anything that might help, but you travelling all that way in early pregnancy is not going to achieve much.
Try and get her partner to restart the video calls. If she can't communicate, then even more reason not to go.

foxpillow · 24/02/2025 12:16

I would be worried I would regret it later if things get worse.

What is the worst case scenario if you do/don't go? Would you be ok with it? Thinking this through may help you decide.

huckleberryhound · 24/02/2025 12:18

I wouldn't go, put your family first, look after yourself during early pregnancy. I'm in my sixties, very very close to my adult kids and grandkids and I would not expect them to do this.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 24/02/2025 12:28

I think your Mum would probably be horrified at the thought of you travelling all that way, and putting your pregnancy at risk OP. I know I would in that situation. As another poster has said, ask her partner to get her on video call again, if she can't do this, then all you would achieve by going, would be to hold her hand, and give her a kiss, you'd be putting a LOT at risk to do this, and I say this as someone who's Mum meant the absolute world to me.

Someone asked if your Mum is aware of your pregnancy, if not, tell her partner to strongly encourage her to do a video call, because you have something special to tell her. I know you may prefer to keep this pregnancy quiet until there is more certainty about it, but in this case I'm sure your Mum would want to know.

Lyra87 · 24/02/2025 12:35

Sorry about your mother OP.
If you weren't pregnant, my advice would be to go as you may find that later on when your kids are older that you will regret not going. However being 7 weeks pregnant with (I assume recentish) history of miscarriage that being on such a long haul flight is too great a risk. I hope your pregnancy goes well

Toucanfusingforme · 24/02/2025 12:49

I would say don’t go. My immediate family would be my concern, especially an early pregnancy. I can’t be doing with this “But you’ll regret it if she gets worse” routine. Anyone could die at any point and you wouldn’t have seen them. This is no different.
I would say get the partner to arrange a FaceTime for you while he’s visiting. It’s a massive journey to make in the hope that you might perk her up a bit. If you were planning on staying for a couple of months I could understand it more because you would be there long enough to encourage her through the rehab period. But a week is neither here nor there. Stay home.

LoveFridaynight · 24/02/2025 13:04

If your mum isn't eating or doing anything it sounds like she could be entering end of life care.
I only say that as I lost my mum a week ago and this is what happened to her. How would you feel if she died? Would you always regret not seeing her? If you think you'll regret it then go and see her.

PeppyTealDuck · 24/02/2025 13:12

You risk missing the last chance of seeing her, which you will regret greatly if that’s the case. You have primary school aged children, not babies.

What are you scared of?

FoolishHips · 24/02/2025 13:19

I absolutely wouldn't go. It will be far too stressful and what if you miscarried while you were travelling? I don't think your mum would want you to go but do make sure she understands why you feel you can't. It might be that she doesn't know what's going on anyway and it's her partner who's needing support. In which case, you're not the person to give it.

But then it totally depends on your personality and how you'd personally cope. I wouldn't cope as can barely manage the two-hour trip to collect my son from uni ...I'd be a gibbering wreck if I had to travel to Australia. A lot of people on MN travel all the time so they're going to give very different advice.

Sunnyandaway · 24/02/2025 13:23

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't leave the kids at that young age and especially if you had risky pregnancies. It's lovely that you have made up but don't feel that you are obligated to go.