Should I support driving lessons/written test

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My father used to drive for a living & my mum spent all our money as a child on getting her first & replacement car - it was a huge priority for her with young kids

I was at high school with older brothers. So in theory would have had exposure to them getting there licences/learning to drive

In reality my parents split. We were poor. The car was hers because of how difficult we were & how much it cost ect. (& She couldn't really drive it well so we would be slowly ferried around in silence rather then being taken out conveniently)

My mother refused to teach/help her eldest to drive because she didn't want him using her car + he had to do the written test & buy the study book himself because it was "affordable" now he was working & my other brother lived & worked via family as a teen so money was allocated for him from her & he had access to her car so the fights about lifts didnt restart a year later + he ultimately got his first car around his birthday so it made sense to gift him his registration fee money

I was left to get on with it failed a few times & never got it in the end

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she 100% admits this was wrong in big part due to the obvious advantages the middle child had - you can really see the difference - she has no relationship with her eldest for a multitude of reason but obviously no good will from this at all & clearly I can't drive myself so we've had issues about that over the years (why I don't have "the desire to want to learn") + shes anxious what would happen if she needed help or support as I wouldn't be available for that sort of thing now she's older & used to driving

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Fast forward 20+ years the kids (grandkids) are now reaching that age but middle child's son will hit it alot earlier - I "know" this is what she wants to do/gift him - his parents are struggling financially right now so it would effectively be a gift for all of them

But she has asked me what I want to contribute gift wise (£50) & refused to say what it's for as she "doesn't know if I'll agree" (which is why I think it's driving related as there was a joke recently about him learning to drive before me & I said "his parents will probably prioritise teaching him/finance him a car" which reminded her of how badly she fucked that up

she also has uneven contact with her grandkids so while would do it for all of them in theory would deffo right now just benefit the oldest who coincidentally comes from a family who's parents both drive/have cars & grandparents all drive & have cars from a similar age

So is this worth supporting or just bail out altogether

What ?

Couldn't possibly tell you it's clearly a secret hence the massive amount of information....

But yes it's a long one & if your not comfortable responding just click on a different thread

I don't understand 😞

So your mum wants you to pay £50 towards your nephews driving lessons, but you feel upset that his father was given lessons and you weren’t, and that you still can’t drive?
If so, just say no to the joint present and get your nephew something else. £50 won’t go far towards driving lessons anyway so it would be nicer to get something else even if there wasn’t the history

It's pretty confusing but I think what op is saying is that her mum supported one of her kids with driving lessons but not the others? Including the op. And now one of her nephews is of age for driving lessons and her mum has asked her to contribute money towards them as a birthday gift?

Its all a bit odd really.

Just give the money straight to your nephew if you don't want to do a joint present with your mum - regardless of what the gift is its odd to ask for a contribution and not tell someone what they're contributing towards.

It sounds like money was tight & also this was decades ago.
Are you still blaming your dm that you didn't learn to drive? It would've been lovely if she could have afforded to pay for multiple lessons, tests & financed a car for you but in reality that's too much for many many families.
Stop blaming her & take responsibility for your own actions as an adult, it's not her fault you haven't passed your test.
It's unfair if she's only wanting to pay for one dgc though, you run the risk of this circle of resentment spiralling forever.
A set amount of money for each dc sounds fairer.

Just tell her it's up to you how you spend your own money and what you gift to your Dnephew.

It sounds like your relationship with your DM is a bit toxic and this request has stirred up what sounds like rightful resentment about unfairness in your past. I would try to unpick that separately to any relationship you have with nieces and nephews.

It’s a shame you didn’t learn to drive but it’s not really her fault you didn’t pass your test. Yes it would have been lovely if she encouraged and supported you more as well as helped finance it but really passing the test comes down to you.

If I’ve read it correctly, you think she wants you to contribute to your nephews lessons?

If it’s his birthday etc and you usually give presents for birthdays then money towards lessons might be nice but ultimately this is up to you. If you want to do it then do it but if she asks and you say no then that’s also fair enough.

I have a budget of £50 towards his birthday present & no issues of doing a joint gift but it's looking likely she (my mum/his grandma) is sussing out driving lessons/tests which she would pay the bulk of which has been a difficult situation in our family hence her not wanting to admit too it.

The fact that it's middle child's. Child further complicates it because it does look like favouritism of that side again but I'm not too worried about the cash I'll just stick it in card anyway

I am not totally clear, but your mum is asking for you to contribute £50 towards a present for a young family member, which might or might not be for driving lessons.

My son is doing driving lessons and £50 will fund one lesson, its unlikely to cover two.

I am not really sure what your dilemma is. If you feel aggrieved about putting money towards driving lessons, then say you want to sort out a present yourself.

@Allschoolsareartschools not an issue with my own lessons/test but very much unearthing the past & I think it's unfortunate it's fallen on this particular child (who's absolutely lovely hence the planning out his birthday gifts in advance!)

But definitely more complicated given his father's history versus other kids in the family

Most people I know (including myself) had to fund their own lessons and pass by themselves - I don’t think you can blame your mum for not passing - a lot of families just can’t afford to do that unfortunately. I would just put the £50 towards the lessons

This.

@Createausername1970 I have a budget of £50 for his birthday she's suggested adding it to her own gift which I'm pretty sure is driving lessons/test fees but we're both uncomfy with the history which is why she's skirting what the gift is specifically & why I've picked it as that

What on earth 🤯

Op are you just upset because you feel your one sibling was supoorted more and therefore learnt to drive and life has been easier for him?

Is this a case of it's not just about driving for you but how your mum hadn't supported you in life for other things and your just mentioning the driving in this post?

Truthfully I'm really confused.

I agree with this. You're unearthing old feelings about not passing your own test but you've had, presumably, decades as an adult to do it since then so you can't place that blame at anyone else's door.

If money towards driving lessons will be well received by your nephew then just do it.. his driving and your lack thereof have nothing to do with each other.

The post is long and confusing, but I think that you are projecting your own relationship with your mother onto your nephew. If you are willing to give your nephew a £50 gift, just give him £50 in a card.

As for your mother not prioritising teaching you to drive and buying you a car - you seem to be angry about something that isn't necessarily the norm, certainly 20 years ago. I leant to drive just over 20 years ago. I paid for and arranged all my own lessons and test. Neither of my (divorced) parents ever took me out to practice in their car. This was the case for pretty much all of my friends.

Regardless of this, it sounds like your own mother wasn't a good driver, so I don't think her trying to teach you would have been productive. The fact that you haven't learnt to drive in the 20 years since isn't particularly reflective on your mother.

his registration fee money

What is this?

The whole post comes across that you begrudge your nephew receiving money to pay for his lessons because it didn’t happen for you. If it bothers you that much, learn to drive now and get your test passed.

Time to move on bab

Just thought I'd try & update this in 1 go

A) sorry for the block test I was trying to get all the background/history & reality upfront but it seems to have just overwhelmed everybody

B) this is not about my driving this is a new generation hence the only experience being in the past - were discussed this in the past & she admits it wasn't the right way to go about things

C) we all love the kids 100% they're just leaving the age of easy gifts & this is something my mother would like to do.

D) nobody's being blamed for anything in the past it's just the history of our family on these sort of things

E) I am aware that not everyone has support/money/help we are in a very different position these days our self

So what's the problem then?

99% of what you've written is irrelevant "family history."

Nephew would like driving lessons... You have £50 to give... Seems easy, no?

Just for reference, I paid for every single driving lesson I took and passed my test THIRD time (the shame, I was young though). I also bought every car myself, paid for insurance, MOT etc. My family weren’t rich and had plenty of other things to cover. I have no issue with this. Most of my friends had exactly the same (one her dad tried to teach her but it ended up with her reversing the family car into a pond).

I think you need to do what you need to do to move on (though TBH I don’t really see that there’s a huge amount to move on with at this point- I assume if you wanted to drive you could have afforded to pay for it yourself by now?). Let your mum buy what she wants for your nephew as long as it’s not class A drugs.

One of the 3 of you was assisted in learning to drive, you have resentment that they had financial help. Overall though the test is done by the individual regardless of how they got there.

Give your nephew the money in the way you want.

You need to learn to drive or make peace with the fact you failed and gave up.

Buy nephew your own gift or put £50 in a card.

If you still hold resentment towards your mother that she prioritised your middle brother's driving lessons and not yours or older brother's then don't allow this to be a "joke".

You are now 20 years older so any driving/lack of driving is on you. Yes it is expensive and hard to prioritise with a family but if you live somewhere that driving is essential/greatly beneficial then you have had 20 years in which to do it.

If the driving favouritism is one of many other childhood issues then maybe some therapy would help particularly if you are finding family children becoming of age a trigger.

I took 5 driving tests, paid for all lessons myself. All my siblings paid for themselves, which meant none of us were driving until our 20s. We also saved and bought our first cars ourselves - surely this in the “norm”

I’m suprised you felt the need to have your mum apologise, for you not learning to drive.

As for £50 .. most teenagers just want the money, he may choose to spend it on lessons (but seeing these are £40 an hour, he won’t get much)