Should I support driving lessons/written test

[Waterweight]

My father used to drive for a living & my mum spent all our money as a child on getting her first & replacement car - it was a huge priority for her with young kids

I was at high school with older brothers. So in theory would have had exposure to them getting there licences/learning to drive

In reality my parents split. We were poor. The car was hers because of how difficult we were & how much it cost ect. (& She couldn't really drive it well so we would be slowly ferried around in silence rather then being taken out conveniently)

My mother refused to teach/help her eldest to drive because she didn't want him using her car + he had to do the written test & buy the study book himself because it was "affordable" now he was working & my other brother lived & worked via family as a teen so money was allocated for him from her & he had access to her car so the fights about lifts didnt restart a year later + he ultimately got his first car around his birthday so it made sense to gift him his registration fee money

I was left to get on with it failed a few times & never got it in the end

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she 100% admits this was wrong in big part due to the obvious advantages the middle child had - you can really see the difference - she has no relationship with her eldest for a multitude of reason but obviously no good will from this at all & clearly I can't drive myself so we've had issues about that over the years (why I don't have "the desire to want to learn") + shes anxious what would happen if she needed help or support as I wouldn't be available for that sort of thing now she's older & used to driving

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Fast forward 20+ years the kids (grandkids) are now reaching that age but middle child's son will hit it alot earlier - I "know" this is what she wants to do/gift him - his parents are struggling financially right now so it would effectively be a gift for all of them

But she has asked me what I want to contribute gift wise (£50) & refused to say what it's for as she "doesn't know if I'll agree" (which is why I think it's driving related as there was a joke recently about him learning to drive before me & I said "his parents will probably prioritise teaching him/finance him a car" which reminded her of how badly she fucked that up

she also has uneven contact with her grandkids so while would do it for all of them in theory would deffo right now just benefit the oldest who coincidentally comes from a family who's parents both drive/have cars & grandparents all drive & have cars from a similar age

So is this worth supporting or just bail out altogether

I'm not sure people are reading this correctly- which is fair enough as original post was a bit confusing, OP has subsequently clarified.

OP is not upset about driving lessons not being funded, it's the fact that the money was found for middle DB to learn but not for her or for her older DB.

This favouritism from DM could be repeating itself through the generations by now putting emphasis on her Dgrandson ( son of favoured DS) learning to drive and paying for this, and suggesting OP also pays for it. I can see how that would rankle.

I think you need to get some counselling @Waterweight , there shouldn’t be this amount of angst attached to something that happened so many years ago and the fact that it is now spilling over to affect the next generation is utterly ridiculous . If you want to learn to drive / want any children you have ( if you do) to learn to drive then that is your problem , it is nothing to do with what your mum did when you were 17/18 . Likewise if you have a £50 budget for your nephews birthday then just give him the £50 and what he spends it on is his lookout .

I don't really understand. Driving is a life skill though. My DS started having lessons aged 10 and is happily driving my 74 plate Puma around on private land. YP should be supported if they want to learn.

What is the written test?

This poster and all siblings paid for themselves.

The OP’s mum paid for one child to learn to drive.

It sounds like one child was generally treated better than the others and OP still feels this.

The OP’s mum is being odd about the gifts juts swerve that and do a separate gift.

Give the nephew £50 in a card or premium bonds or a voucher for his favourite shop.

Find a driving instructor OP but one who specialises in older or nervous drivers.

The one you sit before you can start driving lessons/go for the practice test

I don’t understand what the problem is then given that you’ve now said this has nothing to do with the past. You have £50 to give, it’s been suggested it be added to driving lessons, what’s the problem?

@Waterweight it's not written though? It's two separate tests on a computer. On is clicking mouse buttons when you watch videos of upcoming hazards, and the other is a multiple choice on-screen test.

And you don't need to have taken or passed the theory tests before you have lessons.

Exactly. Surely if you feel it’s still causing you enough hardship that you’re dwelling on it so much, you’d want more for your nephew?

You also can’t blame your mum for your lack of driving decades later. Yes, she should have paid for you all or none of you. But ultimately, if I’ve understood correctly, you went in for your test, failed & gave up. Why not get a driving instructor and give it another whirl?

Given your update just put the £50 in a card and move on

Also from the original post it looked like the middle child in the situation was less able to pay (OP says he worked via family), and the current child (the nephew) is the eldest of the grandchildren, so the first to reach an age where driving lessons are appropriate. So not hugely clear that there is any obvious unfairness.

@Heronwatcher deffo not the case with the middle child unable to pay, more that he recieved better help in general & yes the nephew is the oldest which is why it's come up now hence the wondering wether to just go along with it (no issues with nephew at all) or pull out because it's really not our family history & his parents will prioritise this themselves when they're able to rather then needing it as a gift.

To further clarify my own lack of driving was mentioned because it's not like I drive/he should drive or that it's standard for us to teach or help each other learn to drive

This would be something purely for him, which his father also received by our mother who didn't prioritize this with all her kids (but does regret that too be fair)