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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's a "normal" relationship between adult daughter and mother?

64 replies

MickeyMouse111 · 23/02/2025 22:35

Want to repair my relationship with my Mum (see
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ninety_days_only/5281024-what-sort-of-relationship-can-i-have-with-my-mum-under-these-circumstances)

But don't know what I am even aiming for...what's your relationship with your Mum like?
Do you worry about her mental health and affecting it, or is this unusual? Do you do things together? Do you call her regularly? Or are you both living your own busy lives and see each other at Christmas etc?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 23/02/2025 22:51

Link doesn't work for me
I see my mum on a weekly basis. There is a family group chat on messenger so we can all be in contact

Endofyear · 23/02/2025 22:56

Sorry OP, your link to previous post doesn't seem to be working. My mum lived about 3 hours away until she turned 80 and then moved just around the corner from me. I try and pop in every other day or so as she has some health issues now and can find it difficult to get out. We usually text once or twice a day. I appreciate that I'm close to my mum so it might be too much contact for some. I'd just aim for what you feel comfortable with, there's no right or wrong, it's different for everyone.

AmusedGoose · 23/02/2025 23:09

It's like most relationships in it waxes and wains. I had a terrible experience with my own mother and sadly am much happier since she died as she can no longer ignore, criticise or reject me. I try really hard to be on good terms with my own adult daughters ut who knows.

Womansplainer · 23/02/2025 23:10

Mine is awful. I barely see her.

familyissues12345 · 23/02/2025 23:15

I ring once a week as standard, but could be more if needed.

We chat via WhatsApp most days, normally for a gossip Grin

We play words with friends!

See each other maybe every 4-6 weeks

Dramatic · 23/02/2025 23:23

I see my mam two or three times a week, we chat on messenger or WhatsApp every day and on the phone once or twice a week too.

We let each other know what we've both been up to, other things that have been going on with our lives like work, health, things our friends or other relatives have been up to, stuff about the kids (she also takes the kids out or to hers sometimes) we chat about things going on in the world, news etc. We sometimes go to the theatre or days out together, we're planning a cinema trip this week. I suppose it's quite like a friendship but with the added element that she'll still try and tell me off if she thinks she needs to.

Edited to add: we live about a 20 minute drive away from each other

FailyDail · 23/02/2025 23:25

I’m not sure if it’s ‘normal’ or not but I see my mum usually once a week; she comes round on Saturday mornings when we are also (usually) looking after our niece (3yrs) while my sister and BIL both work Sat morning.
it’s very informal, she’s usually here for 2-3 hours but I get on with whatever - if I need to dry my hair, unload the dishwasher etc. She’ll just sit on the sofa with a cup of tea, chat to the grandkids, usually water my plants for me (in fact I rely on this!)
it’s a way of her spending time with the grandkids without being solo/‘in charge’ which she would find tiring (aged late 70s)
My sister or BIL will come around lunchtime to pick up niece and usually stay for a cup of tea. So this way mum's seen all her grandkids and both her daughters in an environment comfortable to her and vice versa so it works for us all.

I should point out she lives close to us - like 3 mins in a car - so it’s very easy to see each other this frequently.

ChewbaccasMrs · 23/02/2025 23:30

My mum has passed away but when she was still with us I'd see her every week and we'd probably talk on the phone a couple of times a week.

Our mother and daughter relationship was most probably unusual compared to many others in that I was my mum's daughter,her best friend and confidont but it was what I grew up with so I never knew any different.

Looking back in some ways I would be expected to be the parent from around the age of 11 in that I would help my mum when she needed to go to the bank(because she was dyslexic)with filling out forms I'd go with her and hold her hand at her dentist appointments,she was terrified of the dentist bless her but thankfully I'm not.

But to be honest I didn't mind,I was happy to help her and I loved her and I miss her.

Mine and my DDs relationships our very different(we have 5DC,3DS and 2DD)our DD17 is obviously still at home and we're very close and we do lots of nice things together and she knows she can tell me or ask me anything and it'll never go any further and I'll always be there for her.

Our DD21 has her own home and is a young mum and we're very close,we see her a few times a week(she only lives round the corner)and she'll message me or ring me every day,she knows she can tell me or ask me anything and that I don't judge and that'll always keep what she tells me private. Myself and my DH are both very hands on with our Grandson and we help out with him alot which we love.
Me and both of my DDs have very similar personalities(we're all barmy)so we all get on really well and have a lot of fun together.

I wouldn't change how my relationship was with my own mum because she needed what she needed from me and I'm glad I could help her but I am proud of the fact that my relationship with my girls is different I'm very much the mum and they never have to look after me or spend their years worrying about me,they both know how loved they are and that their mum has the strength mentally and emotionally to always be there for them.

Megapint · 23/02/2025 23:53

I suppose it depends on a few factors, including health & how close you live. My mum is mid 80's still in very good health and very active. We speak on the phone most days and I see her maybe 3 times a week. My mil is the same age, but her health is not so good, and she is living with dementia. She lives with us now, and I care for her full time.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 23:56

My mother is mentally ill but was only diagnosed later in life. Plus her personality is tricky as it is. Our relationship growing up wasn’t the greatest.

I’ve just accepted this is what I have. It’s what she can offer and it will never be better or more than that. We talk almost daily but it’s just very superficial or not about me. She knows very little about my life.

pikkumyy77 · 23/02/2025 23:59

I was close to my mother before dementia took her. She would often call at night to hear about the children when they were young—but I also lived away from home in a remote area for three years so only contact was through letters. I love her very much and miss her with snd spirit now.

My own dds are 25 and 28 and are very close to me. One lives in another city and one at home. We text daily snd talk once a week when they are not at home. They are currently both here looking after me as I have just had surgery.

HeddaGarbled · 24/02/2025 00:08

I love her and care about her but find her easier to deal with in small doses. So I see her about once a week, phone calls in between, occasional weekends together, but wouldn’t go on holiday with her.

I don’t worry about her mental health. She’s a happy person. But if she was down, I’d make sure to up my support.

Pickled21 · 24/02/2025 00:10

I speak to my mum daily but see her usually in school holidays and for the odd weekend. I speak to my other mum (mil) at least once a week and see her weekly. My mum had always given pracical and emotional support to me as a child. As an adult it's emotional support as she lives too far away for anything else. She does thrive on drama and can be negative (as can we all) but I'm an adult now and call her out on it. Hopefully not in a rude way but I am firm. Mil respects my boundaries as I do hers, she respects me as the mother of her grandchildren and we cultivate that relationship.

I am not dependent on either woman for my overall happiness though. They are a part of my life but not the sum of it if that makes any sense.

It sounds like there is a whole lot of issues in your relationship with your mum. You can address them or learn to let go her 'failings' you experienced as a child and move on with how she treats you as an adult. Parents aren't infallible, we make mistakes and learn from them. Not everyone is great at sharing themselves or opening themselves up emotionally but she does go out of her way for you practically. That's something you either be grateful for or you can hold onto past grievances. You have the power to make that choice.

Itiswhysofew · 24/02/2025 00:20

I live in s different country to DM. I speak to her everyday and WhatsApp several times s day. I fly over to see her a couple of times a month. She spent 6 weeks in hospital recently, so I want to see her more. I am planning on moving back to live close to her.

NewMarmiteJar · 24/02/2025 00:40

Awful, NC.

Tabbsi · 24/02/2025 00:44

My mum and I are super close, I call her everyday to chat and see her when I can. I don’t worry about her no, but I love chatting to her as she’s someone I truly like and find great fun :)

CrotchetyQuaver · 24/02/2025 01:15

I don't know, mines dead now. What I have done with my own DD since they were teenagers is pause, think what my own mother would have done in the situation and do the opposite. They are now well rounded, happy 29 and 30 years olds so I'd like to think it's worked.
Around 15 years ago when the penny dropped with me that I wasn't actually the abject failure and disappointment she had always made me felt I was, that I had plenty of friends whereas she'd fallen out with everyone including her own sisters I began to re-evaluate everything and started observing other mother daughter relationships as much as I could and asking questions to my "normal" friends about their family relationships. Unsurprisingly they were very different from my own experiences.
My mum knew something had changed in me. She was getting older and frailer by then and of course needed/expected me to step up. Like I was a possession rather than a person. I was able to be objective about it and have just learnt to accept it is what it is and do my damndest for history not to repeat itself. Things aren't always as they seem to everyone else.

ReadingRubbish · 24/02/2025 01:21

They will be a million different answers to this question.

I talk or message my Mum most days and I visit regularly. She also visits me a lot. She is amazing. She is extremely warm and loving and she is also funny. She has never said anything negative or unkind to me. I feel lucky.
My adult kids are also very close to her and arrange meet ups at her house even though they have to travel half way across the country.

DramaAlpaca · 24/02/2025 01:27

A normal relationship with my mother? I haven't a clue what that would look like, I wish I did. I really wish I could have an easy, comfortable, happy relationship with her. Unfortunately I have to be low contact for my own sanity, and I can't tell you how much I wish it didn't have to be that way.

PlantDoctor · 24/02/2025 01:32

I live locally to my mum, so we speak fairly often. See each other maybe every 10-14 days, but call each other maybe twice a week and we message probably daily on WhatsApp.

In terms of doing things together, we share a crafting hobby so send pictures and sometimes do it together. We also like to go on trips to local places of interest sometimes if work schedules allow, which might include my sister, and likely my dad and my DD and DH.

Tbh I have in the past worried about affecting her mental health. She can be easily upset by some things, but it's not an issue that comes up often.

If your relationship with your mum has been difficult, think about what you want out of it. You don't have to fit the 'typical' mould. X

MJBear · 24/02/2025 01:49

I have a shallow relationship with mine.

I've got over it now.

They did many great things but there is no, & never was, emotional connection

They have always been selfish. Sadly my M&D are now 1 in my head. But for years I had a relationship with my dad but not with my mum as she was a witch. Was it peri.... maybe. Or perhaps she was having some kind of melt down over n over again.

I'm 50 ish now. Too much water under the bridge. I am not going to work on it now.

bridgetreilly · 24/02/2025 01:59

I think you need to be asking what a healthy relationship is like, not a normal one. Healthy means you can be in contact without dreading it, or needing to recover from it. Healthy means you both offer some support to the other, without becoming codependent. Healthy means you can be happy for each other, or sympathetise with each other. Healthy means you can be honest without being brutal. Healthy means you make each others lives better, not worse.

ShadowStriker · 24/02/2025 02:09

My mother and I live very close to each other, but in the first three weeks, we were in a cold war. Neither of us was willing to give in, so we contacted less and less.

Childrenare4life · 24/02/2025 08:04

Sadly my mum died at age 50 when I was in my 20s. I miss her every day.

We were extremely close especially as she was severely physically disabled and I'd grown up caring for her. She was intelligent, kind, funny and never wallowed in self-pity despite having an extremely difficult life.