What's a "normal" relationship between adult daughter and mother?

[MickeyMouse111]

Want to repair my relationship with my Mum (see
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ninety_days_only/5281024-what-sort-of-relationship-can-i-have-with-my-mum-under-these-circumstances)

But don't know what I am even aiming for...what's your relationship with your Mum like?
Do you worry about her mental health and affecting it, or is this unusual? Do you do things together? Do you call her regularly? Or are you both living your own busy lives and see each other at Christmas etc?

My DPs live about an hours drive away. They are elderly and not in great health now so I see her/them once every 2-3 weeks and phone weekly, with the occasional text in between.

When they were well we saw each other less frequently, she looked after DS when he was a baby one day a fortnight, which was amazing.

We have a perfectly cordial relationship but we aren't one of these families who are constantly texting and phoning each other, never have been.

I wish so much I'd had a different mother. Mine allowed her husband to abuse her children and left me homeless as a 16 year old. For many years I tried to build a new relationship with her but she has no remorse for what she did so I ceased contact with her before my children were born.

It makes me so sad when I see the close relationships others have with their mothers but I know I'm grieving for the mother I wish I'd had, not for her, because she can never be that person.

Sorry yes! I accidentally put a bracket in it

I wouldn't change how my relationship was with my own mum because she needed what she needed from me and I'm glad I could help her but I am proud of the fact that my relationship with my girls is different I'm very much the mum and they never have to look after me or spend their years worrying about

This is such a lovely attitude to have and something inspire to!

This is exactly me and mine

Same, small doses!

I'm really trying to. Need to work on it. Trouble is she's quite open with her emotions so I find that hard as it's quite one sided

Mine certainly isn't. I've gone NC with her as she's a toxic cow. Following with interest!

My mum is one of my closest friends. We lost my dad when me and DB were young teenagers and it really brought us together as a family unit.

She relocated to live near me and DH when we had children, and does one day of childcare a week for us (plus extras if we want to go out at the weekend/evenings).

We also do things alone together all the time - gym, tea, dog walks etc. and chat everyday on WhatsApp. She also does the same with my DB even though he lives in a different city, she goes to stay with him regularly and he comes here too.

It’s lovely. I’m so lucky and grateful. And my children are fortunate to have such a great model or parent-child relationships.

I'm very close with my mum. I speak to her on and off all day. I see her every weds&Thurs and she will come to us once a week as well. We pop out together and go for meals/theatre trips etc.

She has a chronic illness and her MH is up and down. I do worry from time to time and probably more than I should.

When my nan was alive their relationship was the same and once I was an adult I was the 3rd person in that relationship. So it's all I've known.
However I wouldn't say this is normal. I'd say I'm very lucky because I rarely meet someone who has such a good relationship.

My father left when I was 12 and my mum raised us single handedly as he was useless. Her family were all 100s of miles away so little support there either. I was a shocking teenager. Utterly foul. We fought daily and I couldn’t wait to leave home.

DH and I, plus our 4 DC now live 5 minutes round the corner from her and my amazing step father. I talk to her at least once a day and see her loads. She’s brilliant. Now that I have teens I frequently wail at her about how hard they are and how awful I was to her. I feel so guilty! She just got on with it with little money and no support. I would do anything for my Mum. We are very similar personalities and have the same sense of humour. We enjoy each other’s company. I am INCREDIBLY lucky and I remind myself of this every day. She’s a wonderful grandmother to my DC plus a very useful one as she’s a retired teacher who happily does a bit of tutoring with them. Win win!

My mother is no longer living, but we had a difficult relationship. I would see her once or twice a year and speak to her on the maybe phone twice a month.

My dd is in her 20s, lives about an hour away. We have a warm and open relationship, very different to how my mum was with me. We see each other about twice a month and text every few days. TBH I would see her more often, but I'm glad she has a busy happy life.

My mum is late 80’s, speak daily and see her about 3 times a week, she isn’t frail and is independent but I like to see her.

My DD is 31 we are very close, we have always spoken daily and see each other at least once a week. She had a baby 6 months ago so we are even closer now. She also is very close to her grandma and speaks to her at least 4 times a week.

My DD lives with her partner 300 miles away. We have a family WhatsApp and a WhatsApp between her and me.

We post whenever we have something to say. She often asks to call and we natter for hours. But nothing is prescribed. We could go days without contact. I'd think it's unlikely we'd go a week without something cropping up though.

The real proof I did something right was when she told me that her partners Mum had said she can talk to her at any time as they live close by - she thanked her but said to me "it's OK that roles taken. I can ring you anytime."

My daughter and I chat through messenger at least twice a week. We meet for lunch if I'm picking DGS from school.

In a few months we'll be moving into a multi generational house.

I am extremely close to my mum even though I live at the other end of the country. We FaceTime most days and so it feels like I see her all the time.

However the end of every visit now (her coming to see me or me to her) is harder and more upsetting every time as she gets older. She is still well for her age but every time I see her in person she is less able/gets tired easily which I know frustrates and upsets her

We were all ready to move back to home town last year but circumstances changed. So I do feel a lot of guilt that I am not living close to her as she gets older

I know that it will come sooner rather than later but I can’t imagine how hard I will find it when I lose her

My mum sadly passed away when I was 29 but we were very close and I was an only child too. I lived 100 miles away so would normally see her every 4-6 weeks, we'd message daily and talk on the phone every other day, sometimes just for 10 mins other days for over an hour. We'd talk about everything and she'd be the first person I'd tell any news or gossip too. When we were together, we'd drink endless tea, watch telly, go for walks, shopping and sometimes go see a show.

Though I realise now she relied on me heavily as a confidant and emotional support from a young age. My parents had a dysfunctional marriage and I think my mum was quite lonely and suffered from depression throughout her life (from losing her parents young), she didn't really have any friends or speak to family much so I did feel very responsible for her happiness. I always wished she could have made a life she was happier in.

I think every daughter has a different relationship with their mum. Not normal but what works for them.

My relationship with my mum is different to my sisters relationship. We are both close but my mum definitely relies on me more for support etc.

I am the youngest by about 9 years. My sister was a different stage in her life so I assume I was just there more.

I see my mum about 5 times a week, sometimes more. We are great friends, we socialise together. Days out, nights out, dinners & games night. I think my mum tells me everything, probably some things she shouldn’t share with her daughter like issue ms with my dad, nothing bad just normal married life. Whereas I will hold some stuff back as I don’t want worry her.

I have been in a bad place the last 6ish months due to a close friend passing away suddenly but as she has been going through some issues I haven’t raised it as I know it would worry her more and add to her anxiety that I’m not ok.

My sister prob sees her once or twice a week but messages daily. They rarely do anything “social” unless I’m involved and arranged it.

I think you need to decide a relationship that you are happy with. She sounds like she leans on you a lot for emotional support and you don’t really get that back from her? Do you have others in your life to talk to and get your support from?

Text each other most days, photograph and send dinner pics to each other 😆
She babysits and does school runs a couple of times a month if I ask..(she doesn't volunteer herself!!)
See her probably once a week on average
And we do dinners out, theatre trips, drinks in the local as and when we can.

As a daughter, I did have a good relationship with my late mum. It wasn't particularly 'deep' but we got on well and I told her a lot of 'stuff' - we just didn't delve in the big emotions for various reasons. It was relaxed and jokey, although we did bicker a bit sometimes. She was a bit of a pessimist though and not very 'cheerleader'- like, so she'd say things like 'At last you got a job!' I think that was just her personality though.
As a mum to an adult daughter, early 20s, quite similar on the surface to me and my mum, but we do talk more deeply about things and things I don't really need to know!! We Whatsapp most days (she is at uni) and talk once a week at least depending on what is going on. We do have a couple of subjects, ie politics, we don't see eye to eye on but we try not to talk about them as she wont listen to reason and I am currently putting it down to a 'phase'. I'm less of a downer on her, but will also give my opinion as well and also hear her out.

Small doses lol. Strops if she doesnt get her own way. 80s. Once week plenty. Couldnt listen to it. Negative too

A friendship with telling off is a great description! I feel similarly about my daughter.

My “normal” has been a deeply toxic, enmeshed relationship with my mother, which I’ve only recently seen for what it is. It has seriously affected my confidence and independence well into middle age. My DC are still little but as adults the “normal” I’m aiming for is for them to be able to stand on their own two feet without me but know I’ll be there for them if needed, to enjoy a good chat with me every week or so but without feeling duty bound to contact me, and to see me as someone who loved them without condition, buoyed up their confidence and didn’t hold them back in life. Basically the opposite of my relationship with my mother, which is all based around guilt and control.

I speak her on the phone every few days, and we message most days. We live in the same town. I'm currently on maternity leave so see her several times a week. When I'm at work, I see her maybe once a fortnight.

I'll tell you from a Mums point of view.l have two daughters and we are so so close we are virtually still velcro together lol.
I'm now a pensioner..they are 40 and 32.
Own homes.. Kids.
Eldest a single parent like me.. youngest partner ( female 3 kids between them)..we are so open and honest with each other..I'm disabled but l don't rely on them.. but they will do anything for me.
We spend time together.. the three of us go see shows/ shopping together etc.
Holidays.
Have meals at each other's houses.
There isn't a week goes by that l don't see them at least twice.
Eldest calls on her way home from work just for a chat.
Youngest visited this morning.
Saturday l was out and taken ill. Ambulance was called and l was 45 mins away from the hospital. When l got there both daughters were there and waiting and spent 12 hours there with me until early hours of morning.
( l was out with my sister luckily). We always think of each other all the time.
We have fun...lots of laughs .. but there emotionally too.
My Mum had 5 daughters and we were the same. I miss her so so much.