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Original poster

Lack of effort from DP

38 replies

Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 19:56

I've been with DP for 9 months. I need to know if I'm being unreasonable. My birthday in October I got a very plain boring card and cheap flowers, despite him asking me what I wanted and I have him ideas. I was upset then a week later he booked a night at a hotel with spa facilities and said it can be for my birthday (no spa treatments were booked) Then fast forward to our first Valentine's day. I gave him a card and some lovely M&S chocs, his reaction was 'i didn't want anything let the kids have it'. I was really hurt by his reaction especially as he had got me nothing, although my daughter asked him a week before what he was getting and he said a few things. I had to go out but when I got back later on he turned up with flowers and a card. I binned them. I think it was an after thought, same as my birthday and I feel like he makes no effort to make me feel special. Haven't seen him for a week as he's working away but I don't know if I want to carry on the relationship. Am I being unreasonable? I don't expect diamonds etc but I do think I get minimum effort

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 23/02/2025 19:58

I think for everyone’s sake - especially your kids - you need to end this relationship.
Do they know that you threw out the card and flowers?

Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 20:00

No my children were not aware

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 23/02/2025 20:01

Sounds like you are not on the same page. Life is too short, you deserve better. Bin this one and move on.

Moonnstars · 23/02/2025 20:07

Did you tell him how disappointed you were about the lack of effort for your birthday?
Was it clear you expect something for valentine's day?

If these things matter to you, which it sounds like they do, then this is not the man for you. I would call it a day.

namechangeGOT · 23/02/2025 20:14

Other than materialistic things, how is the relationship?

Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 20:16

namechangeGOT · 23/02/2025 20:14

Other than materialistic things, how is the relationship?

It's fine, sex is great, kids love him. There has been issues with trust on my part quite a bit though

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 23/02/2025 20:56

Get rid. He's setting the scene that he can't do right for wrong, that you are ungrateful, why does it matter if things are late blah blah.

He's training you to think you aren't worth any effort.

Liesmorelies · 23/02/2025 20:56

The kids love him after 9 months? Ok then.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 23/02/2025 20:58

namechangeGOT · 23/02/2025 20:14

Other than materialistic things, how is the relationship?

Is not about being materialistic - it’s about the lack of thought.

OP, you need accept that it will always be like this if you stay with him or move on from it.

NuffSaidSam · 23/02/2025 20:59

It depends whether this lack of effort occurs across the relationship.

If he generally makes no effort then get rid.

If he's just crap at gifts (but makes effort elsewhere) then it's for you to decide how important gifts are to you and whether you think explaining this to him would make a difference.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2025 21:04

9 months?!? 9 flipping months. There's no way this man should be your 'partner' or 'the kids love him' . That is so so bad.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/02/2025 21:04

I can't be bothered with people who make so effort personally. They get worse not better with time. I'd ditch him.

Sassybooklover · 23/02/2025 21:14

With some men you do need to spell it out. If you expect effort on your birthday and Valentine's Day, be blunt. Of course, in an ideal world, it should be bloody obvious you want fuss made on your birthday etc. Some, simply don't see the obvious. If once you've made your expectations clear, you end up as an after thought, then it's time to perhaps realise that this man can't be arsed and it's all too much bother. It depends, if you made your expectations crystal clear to him or not. My husband is the complete opposite, has bought me flowers twice a month since we met 19 years ago. I am fussed over and pampered on special days and even just because he felt like it. Not all men are like him though!

Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 21:55

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2025 21:04

9 months?!? 9 flipping months. There's no way this man should be your 'partner' or 'the kids love him' . That is so so bad.

9 months is quite a long time time, we're not talking about weeks here! You also don't know the history so keep your opinions to yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 21:55

Liesmorelies · 23/02/2025 20:56

The kids love him after 9 months? Ok then.

What's so wrong about that??

OP posts:
Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 21:58

Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 21:55

What's so wrong about that??

Show quote history

I was very wrong to think mumsnet was a supportive space

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2025 22:11

What is wrong with it is that the guy is clearly a twat, which you found out in October. In dating terms, he is a complete stranger to you. (I am sure you knew him as a friend beforehand otherwise it would be even worse). So you moved a complete twat of a stranger in to live in the same house as your children. They have learnt to like him, you have said, which means that now you have finally worked out that he isn't one of the good guys, you will presumably dump him and your children will be left confused. Support...

  1. Learn to spot red flags sooner
  2. Don't move men in to your house so quickly
Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 22:42

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2025 22:11

What is wrong with it is that the guy is clearly a twat, which you found out in October. In dating terms, he is a complete stranger to you. (I am sure you knew him as a friend beforehand otherwise it would be even worse). So you moved a complete twat of a stranger in to live in the same house as your children. They have learnt to like him, you have said, which means that now you have finally worked out that he isn't one of the good guys, you will presumably dump him and your children will be left confused. Support...

  1. Learn to spot red flags sooner
  2. Don't move men in to your house so quickly

So you're saying you think 9 months is the dating stage?? I've never heard of that before

OP posts:
PickledElectricity · 23/02/2025 22:53

Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 22:42

So you're saying you think 9 months is the dating stage?? I've never heard of that before

Show quote history

Yes absolutely. At 9 months you're still boyfriend and girlfriend at the most. People tend to be on their best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship.

How long do you consider is long enough to get to know a person?

You'd been together 5 months at your birthday and you found out he was lazy with effort.

7 months was Christmas, how did that go?

After 9 months you found out that he didn't learn from your birthday and once again didn't make an effort.

There's a bit of a pattern developing here.

It takes a while to get to know people and find out if you're compatible. Your children shouldn't be exposed to some random man while you're still getting to know him.

If you decide that his lack of effort is a deal-breaker for you then your children will have had to got used to having a stranger around and then will have to get used to him NOT being around. How long will you wait until you give the next boyfriend a trial run?

namechangeGOT · 24/02/2025 06:13

Is not about being materialistic - it’s about the lack of thought.

OP, you need accept that it will always be like this if you stay with him or move on from it.

@HÆLTHEPAIN

It is materialistic. If everything else in a relationship is good, if he is kind and involved, he treats OP well in general then getting the face on because his valentines or birthday gifts aren't good enough then it absolutely is materialistic. Perhaps where he has 'lack of thought' with gifts he makes u for in all other areas and I know what's more important!

However, OP - 9 months is no time at all.

curious79 · 24/02/2025 06:20

It sounds like he’s not into big present giving gestures, though the weird thing is that he asks for suggestions and then doesn’t follow through on them. Clearly what he has given you is a bit of an afterthought and very last minute. I don’t think any of these examples alone are a reason to break up with someone. I do agree with others that nine months is a very short time. Certainly unless I felt absolutely swept off my feet, there’s no way I would’ve lived with a man that soon.

Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 24/02/2025 07:20

PickledElectricity · 23/02/2025 22:53

Yes absolutely. At 9 months you're still boyfriend and girlfriend at the most. People tend to be on their best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship.

How long do you consider is long enough to get to know a person?

You'd been together 5 months at your birthday and you found out he was lazy with effort.

7 months was Christmas, how did that go?

After 9 months you found out that he didn't learn from your birthday and once again didn't make an effort.

There's a bit of a pattern developing here.

It takes a while to get to know people and find out if you're compatible. Your children shouldn't be exposed to some random man while you're still getting to know him.

If you decide that his lack of effort is a deal-breaker for you then your children will have had to got used to having a stranger around and then will have to get used to him NOT being around. How long will you wait until you give the next boyfriend a trial run?

Show quote history

I find your comments really judgemental and very bitchy

OP posts:
thinktwice36 · 24/02/2025 07:24

Popsypop838687 · 24/02/2025 07:20

I find your comments really judgemental and very bitchy

Show quote history

It’s an honest, non bitchy answer imo. If you mean the one from @PickledElectricity

9 months is not a long time, lots of people wouldn’t even have intro’d kids at this point.

RampantIvy · 24/02/2025 07:30

Has he moved in with you?

TagSplashMaverick · 24/02/2025 07:31

Popsypop838687 · 24/02/2025 07:20

I find your comments really judgemental and very bitchy

Show quote history

How long has he lived with you?

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