Lack of effort from DP

[Popsypop838687]

I've been with DP for 9 months. I need to know if I'm being unreasonable. My birthday in October I got a very plain boring card and cheap flowers, despite him asking me what I wanted and I have him ideas. I was upset then a week later he booked a night at a hotel with spa facilities and said it can be for my birthday (no spa treatments were booked) Then fast forward to our first Valentine's day. I gave him a card and some lovely M&S chocs, his reaction was 'i didn't want anything let the kids have it'. I was really hurt by his reaction especially as he had got me nothing, although my daughter asked him a week before what he was getting and he said a few things. I had to go out but when I got back later on he turned up with flowers and a card. I binned them. I think it was an after thought, same as my birthday and I feel like he makes no effort to make me feel special. Haven't seen him for a week as he's working away but I don't know if I want to carry on the relationship. Am I being unreasonable? I don't expect diamonds etc but I do think I get minimum effort

What’s he like in other areas? It may just be that you’re not on the same page with gifts and everything else is good?

How old are your dc op?
9 months is very fast to have met someone, introduced them to your dc & moved them into your house, if this is the case ?

All the more so since you say you have trust issues with him - what does this mean? Has he behaved in a way that has caused this? Or do you have issues in general?

And secondly, it's not exactly a love's young dream of a romance is it? At 9 months you really should be in the absolute honeymoon phase...

So, as other pps have pointed out, this one will probably fail & you will have put your kids through getting to know a total stranger, learning to accept him living in their home, seeing their mum upset & angry about the lack of consideration for her & presumably see him move out never to hear from him again..

How many times will they go through that cycle until they eventually leave home?

Op I don't understand your attitude to responses. Someone tells you 9 months is too short you say keep opinions to yourself. Another maps you a timeline of the issue you've stated here you say it's bitchy and judgemental. Why ask for people's thoughts on an issue ( which of course will involve passing judgement, giving opinions) if you don't want to hear their opinions/judgements.
Well then you wonderful uncared for woman, go ahead with this amazing relationship with the most amazing man who will soon understand your needs and will buy you the most amazing presents just as you want. Oh and his love for your kids and theirs for him are examples for us all. We all aspire for what you have found here. And in 9 months!!! How beautifully the relationship has matured and endured the test of time. Absolutely inspirational!!!💘💝🌹
Happy?

He has already met your kids aftern9 months, and they "love" him ?

You're upset because he booked a hotel but didn't book any spa treatments?

You got a card, but he didn't make you feel "special".

You gave a man chocolates and a card on Valentines day and are surprised that he wasn't interested in them?

There is a problem here OP, but I'm not entirely sure that it's your partner.

Well I dated my DP ( now DH) for 2 years before we moved in together , no kids then.
Plus you need to have conversations around your expectations for birthdays and events.

The vipers of Mumsnet can sniff out a cocklodger from a mile away…

Qu: Should I dump BF because he only got me a card & flowers for Valentines Day?
Ans: Um, maybe. Depends.

Qu: BF consistently treats me as an afterthought. Is ungrateful about what I do for him. He’s saving money because he moved in with me, although I am out of pocket. He works away a lot, and I’m not sure about what else he gets up to. We’ve only been together 9 months. Should I dump him?
Ans: YES, do it know. Take his stuff round to his relatives/friends & tell him not to come back.

And even if he’s not a cocklodger, dump him anyway because he’s not making you happy.

Hopefully one of the other posters can link to the list of red flags to look out for when dating.

YANBU for your reactions to your 'D'P. He clearly doesn't care about you as much as you him. Only 9 months in, he should be going all out to impress you, take you to nice restaurants, etc. 9 months is meant to be honeymoon/impress your socks off period. He's checked out already. But when I saw he 'works away'... hmmm. 99.999949% of the time having a partner that 'works away' never works out. It never works out for relationship/family life. Its a bachelor's life only. Bin him, if he isn't going all out to impress you mere 9 months in, he won't be in 5 or 10 years.

However, just so you know, child psychologists recommend at least one year of solid dating before you even introduce your child to your partner. That they already have met your partner and 'love him' is a real worry. You've moved so so fast far too soon. A lot of people date for near two years before introducing partner to their kids. But the official recommendation is at least one year. Hence why you are receiving comments from others on here.

Why has he met your kids? Even worse, why is he around them enough for them to love him and be asking him questions about what he has got you (presumably when you are not there so he is alone with them)?

I’ve beeb with my boyfriend for 1 year and a month. He has not met my kids. Why would he have? For the first few months, it’s new and he is new and you’re both on best behaviour, for the months after that, you’re getting to know each other on a deeper level and finding out if you like each other. For the first year, you really are learning about them and finding out if you are compatible, as represented in your OP; you’ve learned he makes no effort when you want effort over special occasions.

You’ve now learned that you are not compatible and it’s time to move on and end it. But you’re kids are involved and they’re going to be negatively effected and hurt and confused because for some inexplicable reason, you introduced a guy you’ve been with for a handful of months. It’s just really shitty, selfish and dangerous parenting.

Next time you pick a man, really get to know him and see how he treats you over an extended time period before you even think of him meeting your kids. They should be kept completely out of your dating life, protected from your mistakes, protected from a revolving door of men, protected from new relationships failing.

You’re a parent. Just do better.

I have to agree with everyone else OP. 9 months is no time at all with regards to a relationship and involving kids but that is not the sue you raised.

The birthday was very early in the relationship so I wouldn’t have expected much. You didn’t make much effort for Valentine’s either so I’m a bit meh on that one too.

In short, it doesn’t sound like a relationship that is good for you so I’d walk away.

It particularly worries me that at only 9 months (or 8 months then) your children are so involved in your private love life/relationship that they asked him what he's getting you for Valentine's Day. That indicates a worrying level of over-familiarity that no children should have, let alone at only 9 months in. Safeguarding wise its a concern. You probably didn't even about it like that, but its a real worry they are this overly familiar and over-involved in your dating life. They're children and shouldn't have even met him yet, by rights. Let alone have this level of involvement in their mother's relationship. If I were their mother I'd be having very sharp and stern words with them and tell them to mind their own business and keep out of adult affairs. That's also what he should have told them, too. You're not doing your job as a mother by allowing then to get involved in your love life. They are children. You should be protecting them.

*didn't even think about it like that, that should be.