To ask if your feelings about work changed after having DC?

[brainrunningaway]

I am on maternity leave and can’t stop dwelling about work, even though I have 7 months until I go back.

When I was newly pregnant I assumed I’d return full time. Before I went on mat leave, I thought I’d maybe compress my hours. I now have my beautiful baby and want to work as minimally as we can afford even if it means less luxuries. I am EBF and want to continue that journey for as long as possible and I don’t want to miss any milestones or firsts.

I work with children so it will feel weird seeing other people’s children all day whilst missing my own and wondering what they’re doing. I have always enjoyed my role and feel passionate about it but I just feel like a different person now. That said, I do see the value of financial independence and work being something ‘for me’. That’s not to be underestimated.

DH is supportive of whatever I want to do. I can tutor on the side, and he is suggesting I pursue this more so I can work around DC as he knows that I’d be happier doing that. I’m brainstorming everything and wondering if this is actually viable. It feels a bit scary as I have always worked full time but all my priorities have shifted and I can’t keep the same pace I did before, I don’t even want to attempt to do so. DH works 50% of weekends and I think it would be very draining to be ships that pass and not something sustainable. I know the early years go by so quickly and I would gladly work a few more years when I’m older to compensate for doing less now.

Just had to get all my thoughts down! Did anyone else find themselves feeling very different towards work once they had their baby/ies? How did you deal with these feelings?

Yes my priorities massively changed and I went back 0.5. Was definitely the right decision for me and my family.

Totally different

I resigned the promoted post I'd worked hard for and loved. Went back pt on an as-and-when basis.

25 years later I've never recovered that seniority and have zero regrets.

I returned to teaching FT after having my first and it was so hard, I was really down when I first went back but that was partly due to the role they put me in when I returned. After being back a month it was the summer holidays and then the next academic year it took me at least the first term to get back into the swing of things and I just didn't care as much about doing a good job of all the extra crap that goes alongside the actual teaching. I would definitely go part-time if it's financially viable.

Assuming you are a teacher?
I am too and felt exactly the same as you. I went back part time as a job share (2.5 days) and that felt more manageable. I'm glad I stayed in my job as I've continued my pension contributions and kept up my skill base. I think teaching, if that's what you do, changes so quickly you'll find it hard to come back to after a longer period of time. Tutoring might be a good option, but obvs no sick pay, no holiday pay, no pension contributions...
Worth considering

I think it’s difficult to know what it’ll be like until you do it. This is it though, I’ll be pouring from an empty cup and I know I wouldnt be happy trying to juggle it all. I really salute and applaud those who do.

Yes I was much less racing forward but when my youngest started school I did recover a little of that and started putting more energy into my career rather than letting it plateau as I did in the early years. I didn’t have the option to stop work (I did do part time) and I’m glad I continued in my role even though it was hard work at times

I worked in Corporate and remember sitting in a meeting thinking what on earth am I doing here? It may have been different if I felt I was doing something worthwhile. I left soon after.

Priorities 100% change. I went back 0.6 and will never stay late or offer to do extra like I previously would have done. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy my job still but I'd rather be with my children.

Yes but it didn't come as a surprise to me, I'd always known that if we were lucky enough to have children I wouldn't want to go back full time.

I'm going back to work in April 4 days a week (one to be a day where DH is off so only 3 nursery days). We need to move this year so once we have a new mortgage agreed and know what the repayments will be then we'll do the sums again and if I can cut back another day or more then I will do.

If we could afford it I wouldn't go back to work until he's at school. I can't imagine getting to my death bed and wishing I'd worked more or spent less time with my DS.

Nice to hear these posts! I’d worked hard to get a good career and when my unplanned baby arrived I did not know what To do, at all. My colleagues were all about. 3 months off then a nanny, my mum, who never had an a opinion before was suddenly ‘why are you having kids if you don’t look after them’ MIL just called me at the office to tell me how worried she was about my baby in nursery.
horrible stress.

This is good to hear

I went back FT, made sure I pumped (on works time, not my lunch break or anything) and continued BF my first until I was pregnant with my second (she was about 2.5yo) so I wouldn’t worry too much in that respect. I never considered going PT tbh because I don't want to "tighten my belt" or worry about money. And if I'm being brutal, spending time with a toddler isn't as enjoyable as a baby!!!

I went back 4 days teaching after my first as this was the only PT possibility but then Covid hit and I ended up being at home a lot anyway which was lovely. My daughter was 13 months at the start of the first lockdown. I went back full time after that as 4 days didn’t seem worth the pay difference as I was still doing all the planning etc. I had my second in 2021 when my first was just gone 2 so again spent lots of time with her. I’ve been full time since the end of my second mat leave as my husband went freelance to enable the school run etc. so our kids don’t spend loads of time in wraparound care but I do wish I worked less!

Yes but in the opposite way & not directly after becoming a mother. As a young woman I was never ambitious & felt that I was only working because it’s “what you do” until you have children.

As my eldest grew up I started to want more from life & became more ambitious, wanting to work hard to make life more comfortable for us. I’ve since had two more DCs & continued to work. Part time while they were little and full time now. Now, at 50, I hold the most senior position I have ever held & continue to study too.

Oh yes I should have said, I'm still BFing my eldest occasionally and she's over 3 so going back FT didn't interfere on that front.

It was a monumental change in my mind. I left driven and focused at work, and as soon as DS was born couldn't bear the thought of going back. Agreed to do 4 days, then decided actually to do 3 as we could just about afford it. We have 3 children now and I'm still on 3 days although I have changed roles twice. Money is tight but until DD is ready to go to school we are making do, but it isn't easy. However, I know I will never get this time back.

Really depends if you can afford it and I'd never ever question any ones decision. I've known colleagues opt to go back to work when baby is 3mths old, their choice, as as much as they love DC they needed to be at work for their mental health. Every one is really different and I respect that. But something in my mind that's stuck with me as I struggled to get ds1 to sleep in his cot was 'you will never look back and say, I wish I cuddled them less'... As a result I also co slept with all 3 of them!

Yes. I went from a career I'd studied 7 years for and an excessive salary (finance), to thinking "why am sitting here just moving money from left to right and up to down, while my baby is spending almost all her waking hours without either of her parents". I quit that day. I have never once regretted that decision and many years on now grapple with having to not tell her how important that decision was, so she can make her own choices without influence or guilt when her time comes.

I will add I was already financially set up, and had a high earning DH who has been nothing but supportive of all my decisions.

For me nothing changed, I was very career focussed before DC and still am. I went back to work after 6 months both times which was perfect for me. I adore spending time with my DC but I am not cut out to be a SAHM or work part time. I will say that there is a big difference between spending all day with a 5 month old and all day with a toddler - much more intense the older they get (and also more interesting, so rewarding in a different way)! All my NCT friends felt sorry for me when I went back at 6 months, but by 12 months they were all keen to get back to work as well, and some even cut their mat leave short - so you may feel different when the time comes. From a practical perspective if you're planning for a second child relatively soon you may want to go back to work between pregnancies just to get the enhanced mat leave for the second then consider resigning after that - I have several friends who took that approach.

Not really. I had my first at 25 so have spent the vast majority of my working life as a parent so I don't really know any different. Have built a career & been promoted but much slower than I would have done had I not had two children ten years apart.

Toddlers are the best!

Yes totally changed. I was go go go with work. I lived and breathed it. I care so little about work now. I changed jobs just to spend more time with my children and now only work 22 hours a week. So so worth it

Very similar here. Never really settled in my 29s, had kids early into a career change to teaching, did work or for a bit but was v ambitious. Took lots of opportunities and now have exactly the senior role I want

I have compressed my hours, so has DH, so I have three days off with my son, and one where he's home with daddy, and I can spend lunch with him etc.

There's no scope for progression at my current company, but I'm pretty well paid and the flexibility is priceless.

I also worked with children and loved my job before having children, then completely lost the love for it after returning to work. I also knew I would want to go part-time (circumstances meant that would have to be every morning or every afternoon) as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my own children and full time childcare fees would have been ridiculous.

It's hard going to work every day looking after other people's children, knowing that you are paying someone else to look after yours and especially when some of the parents are completely unappreciative/rude. Rightly or wrongly, I slowly became quite resentful that it was costing me a fortune in nursery fees, I was having to wake my own child up and rush around getting them out in the mornings and some parents were getting free childcare, turning up at lunchtime in their PJs, not giving a toss about their child's development/behaviour....

I went on to have another child and work became something I endured for the pay at the end of the month. Also when your child is the same age as the ones you work with (I was nursery age), it's hard dealing with them all day and then having the same challenges at home with your own.

Some of this coincided with me having a new headteacher who was completely shit at their job and it really put the nail in the coffin for me. I had done the same role for a very long time and maybe that might have come into play as well. I have since changed roles but still work with young children in a different capacity and absolutely love my job now!

Hard for me to say as I got made redundant a few months after dc1 was born! It was rubbish, the whole office closed and pretty much all of us lost our jobs. Anyone who didn't got moved to central London which would have made my commute a bit horrible.

Anyway, it forced me into becoming a SAHM as I couldn't find a similar job (no childcare for interviews didn't help with that). I lived off mu redundancy pay out for a while and it was not great financially, but in hindsight, I'm so grateful I had that time with my baby. I ended up staying at home until we had another one and he was at preschool. I was really worried about going back to work and how hard it would be, but it was actually OK in the end