To ask if your feelings about work changed after having DC?

[brainrunningaway]

I am on maternity leave and can’t stop dwelling about work, even though I have 7 months until I go back.

When I was newly pregnant I assumed I’d return full time. Before I went on mat leave, I thought I’d maybe compress my hours. I now have my beautiful baby and want to work as minimally as we can afford even if it means less luxuries. I am EBF and want to continue that journey for as long as possible and I don’t want to miss any milestones or firsts.

I work with children so it will feel weird seeing other people’s children all day whilst missing my own and wondering what they’re doing. I have always enjoyed my role and feel passionate about it but I just feel like a different person now. That said, I do see the value of financial independence and work being something ‘for me’. That’s not to be underestimated.

DH is supportive of whatever I want to do. I can tutor on the side, and he is suggesting I pursue this more so I can work around DC as he knows that I’d be happier doing that. I’m brainstorming everything and wondering if this is actually viable. It feels a bit scary as I have always worked full time but all my priorities have shifted and I can’t keep the same pace I did before, I don’t even want to attempt to do so. DH works 50% of weekends and I think it would be very draining to be ships that pass and not something sustainable. I know the early years go by so quickly and I would gladly work a few more years when I’m older to compensate for doing less now.

Just had to get all my thoughts down! Did anyone else find themselves feeling very different towards work once they had their baby/ies? How did you deal with these feelings?

Why have children then? I genuinely don’t understand it. If nothing else it isn’t in your children’s interest

After witnessing several serious impacts on family financials (death and serious life changing injuries on a spouse) in family and colleagues, I knew I needed to go back at least enough to keep my level and ensure I am always able to provide for DD on my own.

I love my work, managed to increase my position without sacraficing DD or my marriage.

I went originally back 0.6, currently work 0.8 and don't regret it at all.

Yes, massively. Having children is a massive change to your life and how you see your life so not strange.

I went back full time after mat leave as we needed me to. I worked 1.5 years after mat leave and in that time or financed improved massively and I was able to be a sahm for 2 years which I absolutely love. Do what’s right for you and your family!

I had to go back full time after DS, but DD I went back 4 days, then a severe health issue I dropped to 3 days. Once DD was at secondary I went back full time and got a promotion within 2yrs. Now DD is applying for uni next year and i’m enjoying my job (and often work an extra 5-10hrs a week) but also enjoying this last year of DD being still at home. Zero regrets for reducing my hours, and enjoyed the days I picked the DC up from school at 3pm. But equally won’t be sad to see the back of the school run.

Not really, I had a great career but didnt much like it, it was a means to an end. I never wanted to stay home with DC, I do love them and worry about them constantly but I have ASD and was burnt out by the demands of caring for them.

Returning part time was a reasonable compromise. I still got promotion opportunities but didn't want them, we has enough to live on.

How you feel seems very common amongst my friends, most can afford to give up work or at least work less but choose not to downgrade their lifestyle. If your family are happy then go for it.

I don't like that I work to pay someone else to bring up my children. The nursery is great; they love it and I have an excellent and close rapport with the nursery staff, but children should be at home with their families.

I am back to work full time Monday week. I don't want to go back. I'm married to my husband but I'm also wedded to money.

I worked right up until 37 weeks, fairly confident DC1 would arrive as expected, I'd take a year off and return, leaving him with my MIL (as was the family's expectation at the time).

DC1 arrived at 38+3, I fell in love and nothing worked out as I planned. I did everything I said I wouldn't.

I co-slept. I formula fed. And in September of that year (due back to work in October) I handed in my notice.

I refused to leave him with MIL. I refused to leave him full stop. And I realised my priorities had changed.

I didn't work for 5 years and I don't regret a thing.

Money was super tight but we managed and I'm so bloody grateful that I was able to have that time with my child. Once they start school, you see them less and less as they grow. Those early years may fly by but for those few years, they belong to you and no one else and I'm so glad I made the decision I did.

DC2 came along 2 years ago and I wasn't able to do the same, however badly I wish I could. I WISH i could have that same time with my second as I did with my first but money doesn't allow.

The difference is my parents are our childcare, they care for our kids like we do (MIL wouldn't), we have an amazing support circle and DC are thriving.

You won't regret your decision if you choose to make your child a priority x

I returned to work in September after my DD turned 13 months and can honestly say it's been tough. I have lost the ambition I once had and just want to get through the day. I plan on going part time but I'm holding out until we have our 2nd so that I can receive full maternity pay.

Congratulations on your baby. In my close friendship group some felt like you and others went back full time and after a short mat leave. Those who went PT have never recovered their careers. No promotions, FT not available when they wanted it, all now unhappy in their jobs so two changed careers from lawyers to teachers earning less than they did as trainee solicitors but works around children. Those who went back FT have all progressed and all looking at early retirement. It’s not just about what you can afford now it’s the impact all you working life you need to weigh up. Teaching may be different and easier for PT, I don’t know. Sadly, two of our group have had terrible tragedies - one an accident leaving a parent paralysed and one is a widow. Please ensure you can always manage the mortgage on your salary alone if needed when disaster strikes. Good luck with whatever you decide.

OK so being honest, you’ve got 7 months left of maternity leave left which makes me believe your baby is still weeks / months old. I didn’t even want to think about returning to work until a bit further into maternity leave. If your baby is still small of course you probably can’t imagine going back and want to be with them at home forever.

I returned part time 3 days a week and feel like that works well for me, I wasn’t “ready” until 8 months pp and returned when DS was 10 months old.

But yes priorities changed and I couldn’t imagine returning full time, 3 days mean I still get 4 days at home with my son and I still have that independence and “me” time at work.

I changed in the opposite way. In my 20's I was basically working until I met a nice man, got married and had babies (that's a 1960's upbringing for you!). I had a nice job but I wasn't ambitious, there didn't seem to be much point if you were going to give it all up anyway...

I did meet a nice man, got married, had a baby. In those good old days I only got 6 weeks full pay and 18 weeks SMP and I had to leave work 2 months before my baby was born. For various reasons, money was much tighter than we expected and I returned to work when dc was 5 months.

Suddenly 2 things happened - I blossomed into a person who could notice the difference between being a wife and mother, and being an independent thinker with a value to the rest of the world. I loved both roles, both personnas, and wouldn't have wanted to give up either. I also had a reason to work and earn and advance: my dc. To provide for them, to be a role model, to contribute to the financial stability of our family. It turned my life on its head. I worked, I studied part time, I changed jobs and found my niche. My inner career woman had been ignited.

I always felt certain that my dc were being well cared for, their childmiinder had her own dc and my dc were brought up in a wider family setting which was lovely.

Then when my dc hit their teens, I became self employed. That gave me the flexibility I needed at that important stage of their lives - when they no longer fitted into any childcare situation, but still needed more support than being a latch-key kid. One dc was bullied badly and I was so glad that my earlier career gains meant I could be flexible and mostly be there at the drop of a hat if they needed me.

Isn't it interesting how we are all different.

Worked in the City in finance, high stress, goo salary. Thought I would go back after the 9 months of mat leave were up. Had DS booked in a 7am til 7pm nursery so I could still commute.
Then he arrived and I knew I couldn't go back. I resigned once my mat leave was up.
Had 2 more DC over next 3 years. And was a SAHM until youngest was 11 and started secondary.
Then got a PT job locally in a totally different field which suits me so much better.
No regrets at all. I loved my time with my DC. I was very lucky I could stay at home.

Are you as judgemental of fathers who don't quit work after having kids?

I went back to work full time within 4 months of the first, and 8 months with my second. If anything having children gave me more drive to succeed in my career and ensure financial stability for their futures. I never wanted to find myself unable to stand on my own two feet should I have needed to.

Anticipation is worse than reality.

Went back 4 days to get maternity leave (enhanced) for Baby No 2. I went back pregnant after a year and a few months of accrued holidays. Went back 4 days after Baby No 2.

Was a juggle but I'm glad I kept my hand in and my pension contributions. I leant out until the kids were 5ish by doing the bare minimum (COVID helped) and then refocused once second DC was at school and it's much easier. The kids still need you but in a different way. It's much easier to go and work away for a night than when they were babies.

I've seen too many women give up jobs only for DHs to demand they go back after they have been out for too long so they can't get back, shag their secretaries or be bored to death once the kids are at school.

That said i've also seen people out for 6 years and then retrain as teachers and they're having a great time with school holidays and school hours. So you can get a professional job after being OUT.

Yes I felt different. I went back 3 says a week, but I also work various parts of weekends and kept on working those at a full time level, So about 1 in 5 Saturdays, 1 in 4 Sundays, 1 in 10 full on call weekends, and 1 in 12 weeknights on call. So I was lucky in that I dropped 2 days, but didn't drop 2/5th of my pay. DH dropped to 4 days a week too.

Sorry, but I kind of do agree with why have kids if you put them in childcare for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week. Or maybe its better to say that I didn't want to do that with my kids. I increased to 4 days a week when DS1's funded hours kicked in at age 3.

Kids are 6 and 3 now and we're both still on 4 days a week. Unlikely to increase those anytime soon tbh. We're managing financially, and when DS2 starts school I'll probably end up spending my day 'off' catching up on household tasks and housework

@Greenwallpinkwall not sure what you don't understand, plenty of people manage to have both a career and happy, healthy children. Wanting to keep working full time and wanting to raise a family are not mutually exclusive and I spend all my free time outside of work with my DC so they get my full attention then. Do you also think men that want to work full time shouldn't have children? Or mothers that can't afford not to work full time or take 12 months maternity, should they not bother having kids either?

Going back to work full time when my baby was 8 months old is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm a teacher and before my daughter, I'd arrive at work at 7.30am, leave at 6pm and then work from home all evening and on Sundays. Once she was born, I only did what I had to do. My daughter is now my focus and work seems far less important - I'm a different person. When she was 10 I went part time (0.6) and it is the best thing I have done. My daughter is now 13 and I really regret not taking a full year maternity leave and then only going back part time. I think we could have scraped by financially and it so would have been worth it. I couldn't care less about progressing my career now.

Tbf, it's generally not fathers who struggle with the guilt of leaving babies in childcare. That'll be because they didn't go through pregnancy, don't feel the hormones and the chemical/physical bond of babyhood, may not make as close an emotional tie to the baby, don't do the majority of early childcare (because babies tend to settle better with their mothers until they learn to settle with father). All generalisations, yes, but this "well if the dad can leave the baby why can't the mom?" gets so tiresome and is so besides the point. The answer to the burden not always falling on the mother is to have a grown up conversation with the other parent, not a petulant teenage "well why should I do it, why can't he?" dressed up to look like equality. There's no equality when it comes to babies. Only the woman is pregnant, and the woman experiences the consequences. (All obvious caveats for adopted children, children of surrogates, children of same sex couples etc).

Agree, though, there's no place for judgement. Most people have no choice; the vast majority of parents do what they think is best for their child and themselves. Judgement is a waste of breath, a totally irrelevant opinion.

Entirely agree with this x

Not really no. I would always have preferred to be able to work PT or not at all.

I worked PT until youngest was at senior school then went up to FT. I now value my job incredibly highly as a single parent to young adults who need a lot of support.

Yes although I never loved my job that much to start with...but did tolerate it more than I do now.
I cut down to 4 days and I wish I could afford to cut down more but can't. Ultimately I would love to be a SAHM for at least a few years while they are small. I sat in a meeting today where it was getting a little heated about something work related and I honestly just couldn't care less. I had to fake outrage after the meeting had finished but I literally couldn't give a f*ck.
Some of my work colleagues are out at a work related event tonight and i couldn't think of anything worse. I actually lied and said I had to get back for the kids tonight as I didn't want to go (my DH was able to pick them up tonight). I work in a soulless corporate environment and had a rubbish day...just in case you wouldn't tell

Go back to work, don't go back to work. Everyone should make the decision that is right for them. But when someone says this:
Why have children then? I genuinely don’t understand it. If nothing else it isn’t in your children’s interest
it absolutely is a judgement that implies that those of us who chose to go back to work for whatever reason are damaging their children. And that the only right way to do motherhood is to stay at home. I find that tiresome. Women should not be shamed for making the choice that is right for them and their family. It doesn't happen to men. It shouldn't happen to women. It is nothing to do with who is pregnant or has the hormonal reaction.