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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell the parent?

28 replies

Chicktealbeach · 23/02/2025 16:42

My son is friends with another boy at school. Good friends. Us mums are friends too, to say hello have a coffee sometimes. Nothing more than that.

The parents of the boy split up last year. The dad lives in another town now, for work. Sees his kids every other week. He has a new gf. The mum knows about the gf, she’s fine with it, can’t bear the ex anymore. He’s making the divorce difficult in terms of lies about money, doesn’t do much with the kids.

The kids (teens) went on a school trip last week where the boy told my son that his dad is now engaged and the (much younger) gf is pregnant (He’d said she didn’t want kids etc). The dad told his kids not to tell their mum (my friend). Now my sons told me, I’m not sure why because usually he doesn’t tell us much. I think this has bothered him.

Wwyd?? I’m torn between saying nothing because I don’t want the dad to be cross with the kids, it’s not my business etc, or telling her because especially now she’s in the negotiation stage and I’ve no idea if this has an impact. Then of course because she should know, it’s not fair on her or her kids.

YABU - tell her
YANBU - best to stay out of it

OP posts:
Liz1tummypain · 23/02/2025 16:59

I'd keep quiet. Your choice but that's what I'd do.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 23/02/2025 17:00

Keep out

AcquadiP · 23/02/2025 17:02

I'd say nothing.

Randomer75 · 23/02/2025 17:02

Didn’t you see the Dad in his local Tesco last week?
If you say you saw him with a heavily pregnant woman then you just made a mistake - but it’s still out there?

MikeRafone · 23/02/2025 17:02

If you tell the mum it could then cause a problem for your sons friendship and the boys relationship with his mum & dad

the friend has confided in your son and probably needs to do that, someone he can trust

AllrightNowBaby · 23/02/2025 17:03

It’s not your place to inform your friend about this.
Definitely keep quiet….

holju · 23/02/2025 17:03

I'd say something to your friend, just so her poor son doesn't have the burden of carrying the secret anymore.

AllrightNowBaby · 23/02/2025 17:05

holju · 23/02/2025 17:03

I'd say something to your friend, just so her poor son doesn't have the burden of carrying the secret anymore.

Again! Nothing to do with you.

maria2bela1 · 23/02/2025 17:05

Although tempting, don't get involved, it's not a piece of info that affects her or her children...Maybe her children but that's part of life after a split, you can't control what the other parent does and how that affects your children, let her find out from her kids, if they're telling your kids, they'll likely let it slip to someone else soon.

Tagyoureit · 23/02/2025 17:05

Surely he must realise that he can't keep a baby secret forever and it's really shit of him to ask his own children to keep this secret!!

I'd tell her, I think as I agree with @holju

NorthernSpirit · 23/02/2025 17:05

Absolutely nothing to do with you and not your place to say anything or get involved.

TheFunHare · 23/02/2025 17:10

Normally I'd say never get involved in someone else's relationship but actually perhaps this is more about the son. No father should ever tell his child to keep something like that a secret. It's childish and immature and potentially damaging. I'd approach your friend on that basis and just say you realise it's none of your business but you feel it's a burden he shouldn't really have to carry and from that perspective you thought she would want to know.

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2025 17:14

You are on friendly enough terms to go for coffee, if I could tell her in a way that doesn't drop him in it, I would. She might be banking on an amount of maintenance, which won't happen with a new baby. He's trying to fuck her over, isn't a great dad, no, I wouldn't keep his secret. His children need support, that he isn't going to give.

MaybeOrMaybeNot2 · 23/02/2025 17:46

I would not say anything.

Your son's friend clearly trusts him - if you blow that up that child would not only be very hurt - it could damage his friendship with your son and you have a much bigger problem - because the boy then would not be able to confide anything really serious to your son in the future.

And your son will start keeping secrets from you because he trusted you and you broke that trust.

Yes sure if this kid was in danger - but not that his step mum to be is pregnant.

maria2bela1 · 23/02/2025 20:20

Also, just to add to my earlier response, you don't know the reasons why the husband is asking to keep a secret, she could have gone through losses you don't know about or mental health issues. We as friends don't always know the depths of it and you wouldn't want to be the reason for triggering her in some sort of way...

Rainbow1235 · 23/02/2025 20:26

I would say nothing and don’t get involved

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 23/02/2025 20:28

Could you ask the boy if he wants you to tell his mum? Maybe he’s hoping it’ll get back to her so he can talk to her about it but doesn’t want to tell her directly and disobey his dad

takeitbacknowyo · 23/02/2025 20:35

She will find out sooner or later if she's pregnant, I would stay out of it

MyLimeGuide · 23/02/2025 20:42

NorthernSpirit · 23/02/2025 17:05

Absolutely nothing to do with you and not your place to say anything or get involved.

This. It will come out soon anyway.

Sassybooklover · 23/02/2025 20:48

Personally, I would keep out of the situation. The lad has told your son, and in turn he's told you. So the lad has unburdened himself, because he trusts your son enough to tell him. If you go telling the lad's Mum, he then knows he can't trust your son. If the lad was in danger, absolutely tell the Mum, but it's not that type of situation. The pregnancy is not going to stay a secret forever, at some point it will come out. The Dad is a piece of crap, by asking his son to keep the girlfriend's pregnancy a secret from his Mum.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 23/02/2025 20:52

Say nothing. And don't ever admit you knew voluntarily.

You have to weigh up your best interest, your son's, and his friends even. All 3 of you - saying nothing is best for all 3.

Your friend of course will find out. Practice surprise face when it does and she tells you. If she ever got upset in the future if she somehow found out you knew you can find a way to manage that I'm sure.

Original poster
Chicktealbeach · 24/02/2025 11:04

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful answers. I’m not going to say anything. I agree with you @Wishyouwerehere50 and other PPs who’ve said the same, about impact on others, including the friendships, so precious. And about it not being a safety issue.

Thank you for helping to clarify my thinking on it. It’ll be harder when we see each other next, I might have to delay that a bit.

🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Chicktealbeach · 24/02/2025 11:56

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2025 17:14

You are on friendly enough terms to go for coffee, if I could tell her in a way that doesn't drop him in it, I would. She might be banking on an amount of maintenance, which won't happen with a new baby. He's trying to fuck her over, isn't a great dad, no, I wouldn't keep his secret. His children need support, that he isn't going to give.

I know. That’s the thing I was considering, I think I’d read something about that on here before. Does a baby with the new gf mean he doesn’t need to give cs for his kids either his ex wife??? That’s shit if so

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 24/02/2025 11:59

I’m honestly baffled that you think it’s got anything to do with you, op

ItGhoul · 24/02/2025 12:04

Say nothing. Your son's friend told him this in confidence and while I can understand why your son told you, it's not your place to break that confidence.

The divorce is a legal matter which you shouldn't be getting involved in. It's for the former couple's solicitors to sort out.