To think that most friendships are just convenience and people drop you the moment you’re not useful?

[LoftyGreyKoala]

Everyone talks about “lifelong friendships,” but in reality, most people only stick around when it’s easy. Lose your job, get sick, or go through a rough patch, and suddenly, those “friends” disappear.

Yes, I’m afraid so. I went through a very difficult patch with a very ill child. You learn who your friends are!

If those friends disappear during the hard times then they really weren’t your friend to start with and you are better off not having them in your life.

i have 2 amazing friends who we have been through thick and thin with eg cancer, death of parents, illness etc. real friends.

I haven’t experienced this. My friends have been very supportive during rough patches and tragedies. And I to them.

friends for a reason, season or life

i think it’s ok to have friends for a short while if that’s what happens. People move, jobs change, kids don’t get on.

No they don't. Maybe that's just what you do 🤷‍♀️

Some friendships are situational but really close friends will be there for you through thick and thin. And even if circumstances mean you can't see each other frequently or drop out of each other's lives a bit, you can pick up where you left off even after months or years.

Friends have been infinitely more accepting, loving and reliable than family for me in my life. They're my chosen family.

I agree unfortunately.

I had some really bad health issues and most people disappeared out of my life then.

Also my so-called best friend of 13 years moved out the city we both lived in 3 years ago and did not even say goodbye to me. She just stopped messaging one day and that was it.

I am an independent and resilient person so I never put any heavy expectations on people but I must say I have been shocked by how quickly people disappear once you are no longer convenient to them.

Now that I am in my 50s I only see people as acquaintances and although I might enjoy their company I don't kid myself that this is anything deeper than that.

I find it's a mix. For years I was happy having bare minimum input from people and just didn't expect more. I'm talking child having major life saving surgery, parents with cancer, loss of family members etc I got the odd text. These things all happened when I was very young as in early 20s. As time went on and more of the friendship group started experiencing major life events and I was there with flowers, food, cards, constant emotional support I started to feel a bit jaded and realised I got none of this. I've pulled back from alot of people as they don't fill my cup. So I feel like I was the one who was a lifelong friend but didn't mean the same to them and so I've pulled away to focus on myself and my family

Over the years I've had a couple of people pop up when I've had something terrible happen as well as the many who have disappeared.

I'm not sure which is worse, the ones who don't give a shit, or the ones who grief vulture for attention.

I voted YABU, because you are overgeneralising. I'm not saying that some friendships aren't transitory and situational, (a lot of work friendships fall into that category) but if they are good for a time, does that really matter? I have one or two very close friends whom I've known all my life, and then an outer circle of people who I get on with very well but am less close to. I don't think of it in terms of being 'useful'.

Add in those who ghost and I don't even want to use the word "friend" anymore.

Not my experience at all. You need better friends.

I have different “types” of friends.

I have life long friends that I’ve know since I was in school. We have stuck out our friendships through family deaths, illness, break ups, children and all of other life’s dramas. We would be there for each other with the drop of a hat and there is not a lot we don’t share with each other.

I also have friends that are more of just “good time” friends. We aren’t as deep as my other friends but if they ever needed me I’d still be there in a shot however we usually meet up once every month or two for lunch, drinks and have good solid catch ups and fun then rather than on going day to day chat.

Not in my experience. Do you consider yourself a good friend OP?

👋 Hello again! It's you. Just a reminder that no, not all friendships are transactional although by definition, you aren't friends with someone if it doesn't work for you and make you feel good and that's fine. Spending your money to try and keep friends is not helpful and at work, things are often a bit more complicated.

The saying "You have friends for a reason, a season and a lifetime" is, I think, a very accurate one. Understanding the difference and hwo those friendships work is an important skill.

Not my experience at all.

My friends tend to have a lot going on in their own lives - most of us have busy jobs, teenage DC, ageing parents and less energy ourselves than we used to have. I think it's hard to find the time and bandwidth to give lots of support to a friend on an ongoing basis (different in an emergency situation, when I'm sure they would drop everything to help if they could). I don't think that means they're not true friends or don't care about each other. It's just life.

I’d like to think so! I make an effort, check in with people and try to be there when they need support. But I’ve noticed that when things get tough for me, a lot of people who I thought were good friends just fade away. Maybe I’ve just had bad luck with friendships?

I am not English. And one thing I have found quite interesting since I moved to the UK, is that whiel I have develoepd some really good and close friendships, I still find it quite difficult to know when to sort of push my way in and when to take a step back and I am not sure if that is a cultural thing or the result of friendships that are a bit newer. I definitely have found that people can tend to fade away when things are tough because they don't know how to help or they don't want to overstep in a way that simply doesn't happen with my oldest friends from home or the two English women I have now been friends with for a really long time. True, deep friendship takes time and I think that as adults, it can be difficult to properly invest that time which can make it harder to be able to rely on those friendships when you need them.

Have you asked for support, or are you expecting people to offer though? Or does sound as though you've had bad luck with friendships.

I think you’ve just had bad luck or bad friends OP. I can’t say this has ever been my experience, my circle of friends & my husband’s are amazing, through thick & thin, we are always there to help us celebrate the good times and to help hold each other up through the bad times.

Yes have found that. Had a lovely cousin I was always flexible. Got dropped once she got working. Texts for info what college for daughter. I just realised people out for themselves now! But thankful I have few good friends

A bit of both really. I have asked for support at times, but I’ve also noticed that when I don’t, very few people check in or offer. I get that everyone has their own lives, but it’s disheartening when friendships feel so one-sided. Maybe it is just bad luck, but it’s made me rethink how much effort I put into certain relationships.

It does seem to feel like now people are v.quick to drop you or fade away.
I had a friend that seemed to always want a front seat on any difficulties I was going through but once the dust settled she wouldn't make the effort to see me in person.
My father was in hospital and whilst texting her I got a call or message I couldn't remember that he was worse and whilst calling a family member to find out what had happend - he had actually died - she was trying to get through to me to get an update on what was going on.
She didn't attend the funeral or visit me in person despite her living in the same city as me and being child-free at the time. It never occured to her to support me in that way but she was happy to speak to me to find out about events unfolding, any family drama etc.

A lot of friendships are situational.

That doesn’t mean “drop you when you aren’t useful”, it means while you overlap with work, school, whatever, you are friends; when life moves you apart the friendship fades.

That’s very normal.