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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncomfortable interaction father/daughter - AIBU to report

41 replies

IrnBruAndTwiglets · 23/02/2025 00:05

I’m hoping I can draw on the collective wisdom of Mumsnet on this. I’m unsettled by it and don’t know what the right thing to do is.

We were out with the kids today and come lunchtime nipped into a cheapish buffet place in the town we were in - the kids think it’s the best thing getting to go up and choose. Whilst he was up getting food, I noticed the table in front of us about 10 feet away had a middle aged man and a young girl, maybe 16, sitting beside each other. I’m not nosy and the kids are young so my focus is normally all on them but I felt uneasy right away.

He was leaning into the side of her face/neck, with his hand on her leg or round her back to her thigh on the other side and she was rubbing her stomach in a really exaggerated way over and over. After glancing over for a few mins, I was sure she was neurodivergent, I don’t mean to be offensive by saying that but she seemed a lot younger than her age and the stomach rubbing in a circle was more like a toddler than a teenager.

I was so unsettled by the intimacy/the way he was looking at her that I kept glancing over quickly. It looked a bit like he was instructing her to eat. A woman joined the table (similar age to man) so I’d went from wondering if there was a big age gap to thinking she’s his daughter.

I totally understand some families are more tactile than others, the thought crossed my mind she might have an ED and he was trying to encourage her but I just can’t get past the creepiness. It made my skin crawl and when my partner sat down at the table, he felt it was glaringly obvious too. The girl didn’t seem upset by the way her was with her. I just can’t shake the feeling it would have stood out even as an adult/adult interaction, the fact she was young and seemed vulnerable made it worse.

I’m sitting up thinking I want to say something. I have this real fear that she could be a victim of abuse at home but then I go - what am I supposed to tell the police. That I saw a man who was creepy? Realistically the police will do sweet FA with that information. They’re hardly going to investigate based on such limited info, I don’t have names etc, just what I saw and intuition.

I want to do something in case I’m right. I thought about reporting online to the police but it won’t accept a report for the postcode, has to be by phone.

AIBU to report or is this an uncomfortable situation that ultimately I have to accept I can’t do anything about, my intuition could be wrong and I haven’t technically witnessed a crime?

(sorry for the length!)

OP posts:
Needanewnameidea · 23/02/2025 00:45

I wouldn’t report it, unless I’ve misread what you’re describing. It’s not something that sounds like a police or social services matter to me, neither is your “intuition”. Plus you’ve got no idea who they are, or how old she actually is. It could be something untoward or it could be nothing, but unless you do something about it at the time then I think it’s pointless reporting it.

What realistically do you expect the police to do with a report of “There was a man my intuition thought was creepy looking at and cuddling what is likely his own, potentially disabled, child while she was not distressed and rubbed her own tummy in a restaurant yesterday”?

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 23/02/2025 00:56

You’re right. Intuition ultimately means nothing when it comes to reporting something like this. That’s it, I’d feel daft saying it out loud. I just…as a woman, as a mum, it just screamed wrong to me.

I don’t look for malice where it’s not there or revel in drama. Maybe someone else sitting by them would think nothing of it. I just…feel really sure it wasn’t right

OP posts:
Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 23/02/2025 00:57

I’ve dwelt on it today, I think I’ll need to hope I’m overanalysing something innocent

OP posts:
Spartak · 23/02/2025 00:58

Do you know who any of them are? If not, how are you going to report it?

OwlInTheOak · 23/02/2025 01:01

You said she seemed ND, physical touch is hugely calming to some ND people.
Our 8 year old is autistic and if he's overwhelmed in early stages it may not be obvious to others, but he will tense up and start repetitively tapping, and us holding a hand on him firmly (gently but firm "pressure" touch)/enclosing him with an arm/him leaning hard into us can help him feel more settled. I don't think I'd be concerned by that especially as she didn't seem uncomfortable and the presumably mum was also there.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 23/02/2025 01:09

Well this is it. I have my table number and their table position relative to mine. They’re strangers. It’ll make me seem like I’ve lost the plot but I imagined an outside chance they could see the name the table was booked under and it might flag something, maybe be a jigsaw piece if concerns had already been flagged.

@OwlInTheOak that’s really insightful, it could well be the touch/closenes/behaviour was part of keeping her calm and meeting her needs. I’m possibly showing my ignorance there 🙁

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 23/02/2025 01:16

It’s highly unlikely that a man who was abusing his possibly disabled teenage daughter would have done this n the middle of a restaurant.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 23/02/2025 01:18

No one books a table for a buffet (unless it's a big party).

I guess the most they could do is look at the CCTV but I highly doubt they would bother.

If you were planning to do something you should have done it at the time.

MJconfessions · 23/02/2025 01:19

In future you should just have discreetly filmed or taken a photo. Don’t rely on potential cctv. If you had evidence in your hand, you wouldn’t second guess. You could watch the video and immediately see whether it was inappropriate or appropriate and then make a decision knowing the authorities would review that same video. It could be that you’re wrong or that you’re right. None of us can say.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 23/02/2025 01:24

OwlInTheOak · 23/02/2025 01:01

You said she seemed ND, physical touch is hugely calming to some ND people.
Our 8 year old is autistic and if he's overwhelmed in early stages it may not be obvious to others, but he will tense up and start repetitively tapping, and us holding a hand on him firmly (gently but firm "pressure" touch)/enclosing him with an arm/him leaning hard into us can help him feel more settled. I don't think I'd be concerned by that especially as she didn't seem uncomfortable and the presumably mum was also there.

Good point. Two of my 3 ND kids are like this, personally Id rather more personal space P. My DS looks older then he is and this could be us in public. All the need for touch and leaning in is coming from him, not me. Luckily for me as a woman its less likely to trigger anyone's radar.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 23/02/2025 01:28

I’m not going to do anything because like you say, it sounds crazy said aloud, it’s unlikely someone guilty of that would be so open about it in public and solid point about not booking a buffet!

My guts saying it was incredibly creepy, I found the dynamic really difficult to watch. I do wonder if I had a video (I don’t and wouldn’t share it even if it did) how people would perceive it.

I’m glad I posted, I appreciate all the perspectives. I feel a real sense of guilt in case I’m right and maybe she needs someone to speak up, but I don’t have enough to go on based on one interaction I saw.

OP posts:
MJconfessions · 23/02/2025 01:38

The thing is - it may have been creepy, but no one here knows for sure. Ultimately if you think a child is being abused, then report it. No one here can categorically give you the push you’re wanting because we weren’t there. You’re gonna hear people giving conflicting viewpoints etc as no one can say for sure.

I don’t think you’re crazy, and I don’t think you need to necessarily make the decision about what happens next. For example if you reported this to the police, they would make the decision on whether to investigate or not. So it’s out of your hands.

Garlicworth · 23/02/2025 02:12

You may well be right, especially as your partner picked up on it too. But it's gone: one of those disturbing things we sometimes witness. I've felt terrible about driving past a motorway accident, despite knowing it's the correct action. On balance, I'm pleased to know I have a strong urge to help - not everyone has and, where I can help, I do - but part of that is knowing I must sit with the feeling of powerlessness when there's nothing I can reasonably do.

I think you and DP can afford yourselves some praise for being both observant and concerned for a stranger. It doesn't sound like you could have intervened in this situation to any productive end, particularly with the woman present as well. Who knows what was going on? Don't let this stop you both being observant and considering whether to try and help!

Tiredofallthis101 · 23/02/2025 02:15

Hmmm if there's no way now of finding out who they were then I guess nothing the police could do. But my gut would say report it, even if you just ring up and say - appreciate this sounds mad and there is probably nothing you can do with this info but I witnessed X. Maybe tye police can ask the staff if anyone else was concerned or they have contact details. Obviously if the police say 'sorry nothing we can do'you give it up.

Ladyzfactor · 23/02/2025 02:17

Being a woman and a mother doesn't make your intuition any more accurate then anyone else. There was a case that I heard about a woman put a strangers picture on Facebook accusing him of taking photos of children. People found out who the man was and harassed him as a pervert. Turns out he was just taking selfies of himself. He had photographic proof. Being a mother doesn't give you a magical knowledge of strangers lives.

Happyinarcon · 23/02/2025 02:28

A lot of posts saying ignore your gut instinct here. If you thought your husband was having an affair because he once mentioned the name of a female colleague then everyone would insist that you trust your gut. Personally I feel we should start getting more involved with things we see around us, not less. What you saw could have been innocent but there’s no harm in flagging it with someone.

BlondiePortz · 23/02/2025 02:53

Happyinarcon · 23/02/2025 02:28

A lot of posts saying ignore your gut instinct here. If you thought your husband was having an affair because he once mentioned the name of a female colleague then everyone would insist that you trust your gut. Personally I feel we should start getting more involved with things we see around us, not less. What you saw could have been innocent but there’s no harm in flagging it with someone.

OK please how explain you would do this if you were the op, what exactly would you do in this specific instance?

Monty27 · 23/02/2025 03:05

What is, neurodiversant?

LovelyLeitrim · 23/02/2025 03:35

Happyinarcon · 23/02/2025 02:28

A lot of posts saying ignore your gut instinct here. If you thought your husband was having an affair because he once mentioned the name of a female colleague then everyone would insist that you trust your gut. Personally I feel we should start getting more involved with things we see around us, not less. What you saw could have been innocent but there’s no harm in flagging it with someone.

How can OP do anything now?

farmlife2 · 23/02/2025 04:21

This reminds me of a time I was out with my son (when he was 20 or so). I gave him an entirely appropriate hug and two women started giving us the filthiest looks for the rest of the time we were in the same area, like we were inappropriately romantically involved or something. It's a running joke for us now but I do think you have to be careful not to jump to conclusions.

Zanatdy · 23/02/2025 04:40

Monty27 · 23/02/2025 03:05

What is, neurodiversant?

Don’t be so pedantic

AngelicKaty · 23/02/2025 04:46

@IrnBruAndTwiglets Setting aside what you've already realised for yourself OP (zero evidence to give the police and really too late to report) even if you are right about what you saw, this was a stranger family that you observed fairly briefly. There will be people in this family's life - extended family, friends, neighbours, teachers, etc. - who will be having regular and closer contact with them, so if this man behaves like this towards this girl in their own social circle, their responsibility to report any suspicions is significantly greater than yours. This is not a burden of guilt you should be taking on. There is nothing you can do, but certainly something others can do if they fear anything untoward is going on - trust that they will do this if necessary.

doodahdayy · 23/02/2025 04:48

Happyinarcon · 23/02/2025 02:28

A lot of posts saying ignore your gut instinct here. If you thought your husband was having an affair because he once mentioned the name of a female colleague then everyone would insist that you trust your gut. Personally I feel we should start getting more involved with things we see around us, not less. What you saw could have been innocent but there’s no harm in flagging it with someone.

Flagging it with who? The police won't do a thing and you can rely on external cctv.

Notsosure1 · 23/02/2025 04:59

Zanatdy · 23/02/2025 04:40

Don’t be so pedantic

Show quote history

I didn’t even spot the typo! 😳

Balloonhearts · 23/02/2025 05:44

I would report this if I knew who they were. Unfortunately, without that info the police couldn't really look into it.