MIL is a hoarder and it’s bothering me

[Starry4321]

So my MIL stays 5 hours away from us. Unfortunately she is a hoarder and the house is literally full of stuff to the point you can’t navigate between rooms. She also has cats and one dog and the place smells strongly of cat urine. We have a 2 year old daughter and she has never been into the house. I have only been in once briefly to use the toilets. This is due to a mix of reasons. We have never been invited in. DH was too embarrassed in the early days of our relationship to take me in.

The distance means if we do go through we stay at a hotel (which is a cost we don’t need).

Her adult kids gutted her house 10 years ago but it’s back to this. They have also tried speaking to her about getting support etc but she doesn’t really want to talk about it.

AIBU? Feel frustrated as we can’t even go in her house when we visit as we never get invited in, plus not safe for DD. She loves babysitting but having DD stay at hers for a few nights not an option as it’s not safe .

What would you do?

Nothing, I honestly don’t think I’d do anything. If she doesn’t want support and won’t clear it out then not sure you can force her. I wouldn’t let my child go to hers, so she’ll just have to come to yours to babysit.

I’d do nothing.

She’s chosen hoarding over her family. She’s told you exactly where you stand. Her hoard will always come before your child.

If you can’t afford hotels then just don’t go. If she can’t clear a spare room for you then she probably doesn’t want guests. Actions speak louder than words.

Yes, she always comes to ours to babysit. Because of the distance this means she has to stay over for a day or two each time. This is fine every so often but it’s an additional pressure on me as means I need to get her food in and sort our spare room every time. I guess I am just sad as it would be so lovely for her to have DD in her own home to make those memories. Some of my fondest memories are in my own grans house. Thankfully my own mum has a suitable home for visiting.

I have considered saying something to her but I always bite my tongue!

Nothing. She doesn’t want help apparently so what can be done? Force your way into her home and chuck her stuff in a skip? If you can’t afford to visit, then that’s that.

I get it, my mum has mental health issues and is a hoarder but I leave her to it. If she agrees to me helping to clear her house I will gladly roll up my sleeves and get stuck in but she doesn’t.

Why are you getting the food/ sorting her room? Where is your husband in this scenario? I don’t mean leave it to him alone, but she’s his mum. He should be doing his share.

Yes true . DH likes us to go through from time to time as it’s his original place of birth. We can just about afford it but always feel a bit sad as would be a nicer experience to stay in his family home. But yes you are right she has made her choice. I have considered mentioning it to her but it’s hard to find the words. I also wonder if she thinks it’s strange she has never had any of her grandchildren or her children’s grown up partners into her house

Nothing. I would welcome her in our home.

Hoarding is a mental illness and isn't a choice, as posters are claiming. My sister is a hoarder, it's a trauma response, in her case. She's been through therapy. Have you asked your DH why it isn't openly spoken about?

As the child of a hoarder I know how frustrating it can be but it is a mental health issue not a life style choice. I think you have to accept that she won't change unless she seeks help. Nothing you can say will change anything for the better.

Children are excellent at accepting people exactly as they are so MIL can still have a great relationship with your DC while only seeing them at your house.

True. I have considered mentioning to her that it’s sad that her grandchildren won’t be able to build memories in her home with her. This is probably the main thing I am genuinely sad about for her. But it’s hard to find the words.

But yes I guess it’s down to her if she would like to ask for help.

Yes I definitely agree it’s a mental health issue. Her children ( in their 30s now) don’t know why she does it. DH and I speak openly about it and he says he’s spoken to her so many times about it but nothing changes. I would be interested to know what has actually caused it. As you say maybe a trauma response but it’s not something I have been able to find out from DH as I don’t think he knows the root cause. A lot of it is her kids childhood toys etc. and then the usual junk etc you would expect. The smell is also concerning as the ammonia cat urine smell can’t be good for her health.

Contact the local fire service safeguarding. Let them know that the house is in this state. If there's a fire, they need to know so that they can manage the risk.

It's very sad, but I don't think you can help her really. Maybe signpost her to some local services. If she was willing to let the house be gutted previously, it may be worth doing the same again.

He does help. I guess it’s a team effort. I’m probably more aware of what needs to be done properly tho. Plus she also has a large dog who needs to stay with us whenever she stays as she doesn’t have a dog sitter. Which is ok but can be a lot of work for a full weekend if she wants to babysit DD for a few hours while we grab dinner.

Gutting the house without address the ‘WHY’ of hoarding will just tidy it up and the cycle will start again.

there is a deep seated issue here and she would need a lot if professional support to get to the bottom of it and unless she is ready to face her Demons and has considerable help nothing will change.

You are coming off as nosey, interfering and entitled.

My free babysitter won't take my kids off to her house.🙄 I only have to go buying food and making up a bed for her 🙄 Oh, why can't she keep her house to suit me.

Why don't you pay for a babysitter and mind your own business about your MIL's choices in her own house. If she actually does have mental health issues, rather than just too much of lifes accumulated stuff in too small a space, it's up to her to decide if she wants help with them.

Nothing. It won't change unless she wants to accept help for her mental illness. It's a reaction to trauma and sadly hoarding has a huge relapse rate, even if the hoarder does attempt to declutter. You can't make an alcoholic stop drinking because you tell them to - the same applies to hoarders and their hoard.
My 10 year old daughter has never been to my hoarding mother's house. Instead we host her, but she is much more local than a five hour journey.
Your DH should also think about future planning when his DM becomes infirm and the house becomes (more) unsafe. Five hours there and the same back will be a real drain on family capacity when she needs support as she ages.
Hoarding UK is a start for information. But honestly, it's unlikely to change and your DCs will need to build memories of their DG in your home.
Lastly, please be kind to your DH about it. The shame of being a child of a hoarder weighs heavily but silently.

Just wanted to come on and give you a bit of solidarity. My own mum is the same, I think it started sometime around me and my siblings starting to leave home, but I think my mum also has undiagnosed ADHD which could play a part.
It's a mental health issue and unless she seeks the help herself, unfortunately nothing will change. I've taken a week off work in the past to help clear out the house, it just went back to how it was before very quickly and was a waste of time. It's in such a state of disrepair it's not safe for our DC to go there. I remember once finding like, fossilised cat poo under a big pile of stuff and the cat had been dead for years!!
We just don't go to their house. My parents happily come to ours, they'll babysit at our house or take the kids out, we go out for meals. Obviously this is more difficult living so far away, but I'd adjust your expectations and try to enjoy her company outside of her home.
You could suggest a declutter specialist or something therapy, but in my experience it's pointless unless it's initiated by them.

With my own mum - she does desperately want a nice house, she wants to renovate, declutter. But she doesn't do anything about it (she's possibly too overwhelmed) so she just spends all her time planning holidays, not being at home, and days out. Until she prioritises the house we can't go there but luckily it doesn't take away from our relationship with her / our kids.

Ok so the main point I really need to stress here is my MIL asks us if she can babysit as she enjoys it so much. I don’t ever ask her. There is no assumptions that we are owed a free babysitter here. I’m actually more sad we can’t just have a coffee in her house for an hour with the kids.

I do think you’re being very unrealistic that I need to just mind my own business. When you marry someone their problems become your problems. The hoarding is a major problem for my DH and has bothered him deeply for years . I would not be a good wife if I didn’t consider options to support or address it. And yes it does bother me, as it’s a pain in the bum when visiting his hometown as it’s a part of his life that me and his kids won’t ever get to be part of.

I have discussed how we can get her support at length with DH, we don’t have a solution.

What would I do? I'd feel sorry for her, offer support, and reassure her that she is accepted and not judged and I'm there for her if needed. She has a mental health need and needs support not criticism and judgment. No, it's not "a pain in the bum" - you suck it up. You show kindness. You teach your DC to have empathy with others. You save up for the hotel and suck up the cost. You reassure her how much you love seeing her.

I think that's really unfair on the OP and quite mean when she's come on here to ask for advice and talk things over.

Yabu to let it get to you because there's nothing you can do about it and by the sounds of it she's not able to do anything about it either.

Could you get an airbnb type place instead of a hotel when you go to stay and then she babysits there while you go out for a meal? Or even plan to meet half way and stay somewhere together for a weekend every few months. She will only change when she is in a position to do so mentally.

You can still do things together and children remember the most random things so it might not have been her house that they fondly look back on but the coffee shop they go to or maybe the local park etc.

If you can bear to let your MiL stay occasionally and to pay for the occasional airbnb or hotel room then your daughter will have a perfectly lovely relationship with her grandma. Overnights w granny are not necessary.

Well said

The children have a living grandmother that wants to spend time with them. They won't care if they don't see grandma at her house. They will remember her smile, her hugs etc.. be grateful for what you have. And use this as an opportunity to teach the children empathy, teach them about different living conditions, help them to understand we r all different and everyone can be loved and show love, no matter what their home looks like.