MIL is a hoarder and it’s bothering me

[Starry4321]

So my MIL stays 5 hours away from us. Unfortunately she is a hoarder and the house is literally full of stuff to the point you can’t navigate between rooms. She also has cats and one dog and the place smells strongly of cat urine. We have a 2 year old daughter and she has never been into the house. I have only been in once briefly to use the toilets. This is due to a mix of reasons. We have never been invited in. DH was too embarrassed in the early days of our relationship to take me in.

The distance means if we do go through we stay at a hotel (which is a cost we don’t need).

Her adult kids gutted her house 10 years ago but it’s back to this. They have also tried speaking to her about getting support etc but she doesn’t really want to talk about it.

AIBU? Feel frustrated as we can’t even go in her house when we visit as we never get invited in, plus not safe for DD. She loves babysitting but having DD stay at hers for a few nights not an option as it’s not safe .

What would you do?

Ok, so I am being brutally honest about my own emotions on this as it’s an anonymous forum. I have only shown kindness and support to my MIL. I am human and currently raising a toddler so I am pretty maxed out with how much additional support I can give her right now over and above what I already do.

As many people who have a family member with a hoarding problem or some other addiction will openly admit, it’s damn hard on those closest and impacts everyone in the family. My DH has shown her a lifetime of support. It’s easy to overlook the trauma it’s caused him, but he wasn’t ever able to have friends over from primary school age, and was ashamed and embarrassed from a young age about his living situation. He’s worked hard to get her help over the years but she has avoided it.

It would be unkind to say this, she is suffering from a hoarding disorder, it's a mental illness.

I think more understanding of her situation is needed.

Thank you this is helpful 🙏 . The future planning part is someone that worries me. I am not sure what we will do when she becomes frail as the house is extremely unsafe. Short term I am also extremely concerned about the ammonia smell from the cat urine as there is no way this is good for her health. I badly want her to experience the joy of a clean and orderly home that she can enjoy and be proud of. I know how much she would enjoy and benefit from that. It’s hard.

Yes hoarding is very damaging to the family of the hoarder, esp if they had to live with it as children.

For this reason I don't think you should spend time trying to deal with the hoard. Its very much her issue to deal with if and when shes ready. Just invite MiL to yours occasionally and stay nearby if you visit her and dont go to the house.

Is it possible she has neurodevelopmental issues? One of my relatives was a hoarder and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But that was 25 years ago and I think these days it would probably have been an autism diagnosis.

She had an emotional attachment to every item she owned, even rubbish. I've noticed my autistic son has similar tendencies and I'm working really hard to try and embed healthier balance. It's really hard though as a piece of paper with scribbles can link to important memories. Trauma is often a cause but it isn't necessarily that simple.

Yes, DH and I have had pretty extensive discussions about this. I think the part he is most frustrated about it that she refuses to take up his offers of professional help and support that he has looked into over many decades. This has been going on since he was a young child so I guess I see the toll it’s also taken on him over the years. Our day to day support to her has been extensive and kind. I suppose we are human and there is an element of frustration there when you feel like someone doesn’t want to even consider help. I also know how much more fulfilling her life could be if she did.

The emotions you feel are complicated and conflicting when you are living in it.

I understand your DH's position and feel for him.

But you don't need to give her more support, just empathy. Just be nice, accept her for who she is, and accept that this is the granny we see at our house or at the cafe or whatever, and not at home. No Biggie.

I have a sibling with v servere MH probs & complex needs. There are multiple complexities including that his flat is often ridden with flies, unusable toilet etc..

I love him. I don't care about all that. I'd love to be able to help him more and always always offer. But if I can't or he's not ready to let me, I just accept him for who he is. My children have never been to his flat. It wouldnt cross my mind to see his very difficult situation as 'a pain in the bum' or whatever. He's just him, the sibling I love and the uncle my children love. He has never in my whole life babysat or done anything at all to help me out in anyway whatsoever. The caring and support is a one way street. That's fine. Some people cannot manage more. Your mil is actually babysitting for you and being able to form a positive relationship with your child. That's great.

My own mum is dead. My children cannot get to see her at all. What I wouldn't give to have to save for a hotel so we could take one more trip to see her.

I appreciate you sound stressed etc.. and want support. I don't mean to be overly critical or make you feel bad. But honestly your life will be easier and less stressful if you can find the gratitude in what you have, drop the frustration and judgement, and let go of trying to make things different. Just accept her as she is, let her love your DC and them her. Teach your DC empathy and acceptance of others.

I'm sorry it's so tough. Part of the very definition of hoarding disorder is a reluctance to accept help. People who hoard absolutely in no way want to part with their stuff. They see offers of help to de-clutter as v threatening. That's part of the disorder.

Maybe you and your DH could get some MH support yourselves and seek some education on hoarding, it might help you and your DH come to terms with things. Your DH especially must have some very complex emotions in relation to his mum, especially if he grew up around hoarding.

A friend of mine is a hoarder, in her case she has a diagnosis of OCD which is thought to be related to a traumatic childhood incident which she can't remember. She had to clear her loft as she needed to have building repairs and it was distressing to see how it affected her, it was as though throwing things away caused her actual physical pain. As PP and you, OP, have said, hoarding is the symptom of an illness, not a lifestyle choice, as some people believe.
I can't see there is anything you can do.

I don't think you can say anything directly, just inform yourself and prepare to support your DH - whether that's continuing to discuss with him, helping him come up with strategies etc.

I do think you are slightly fixating on the "at Granny's house" issue too much. It's lovely you have those memories of staying with your Gran, but it's by no means essential to stay over in order to bond with a grandparent. Your DC can bond with your MIL in their own way, and some people don't like having guests even if they aren't struggling with hoarding.

Focus on how you make the best of the situation, and on how you support DH and his family to handle it going forward in whatever way they choose.

All you can do is get some leaflets / website addresses for organizations that support hoarders and suggest to her that this might help her. And if she asks why you and dc don't go to her place, tell her ("the place isn't safe or hygienic"). Name it for what it is - hoarding disorder. Don't pussyfoot around the issue or back down and agree with her if she says she doesn't have a problem. There's the tiniest chance that this might make her see there's a problem and motivate her to do something. But the chance is tiny; very, very rarely do they change. You're not wrong to WANT to fix this for your DH, but you can't.

Do you have the money to pay for her to see a therapist? Would you? But again, long shot. She probably won't do it, and if she does it probably won't help. It's a mental health issue like any other - people don't just stop being schizophrenic or anorexic or anything else because you want them to and you're willing to do anything you can to help, or because there's a million reasons their lives would be better if they could. It's tough but you have to accept it.

No, she dosent want them, she knows her house is a mess. That's the way it is.
Even if it was tidied it would go back to being messy again.
At least your daughter has a gran she can see.

You can’t do anything my MIL is a hoarder from what you have described she is not quite at the level of your MIL but it’s bad. DH went down last summer and he did manage to go through one of her sheds. It took a week and it was easier stuff as old newspapers and loads of cleaning products that had deteriorated and needed throwing, what a huge waste of money all that cleaning stuff was.

I said to him if he wants to use his retirement attempting to sort her stuff out and we have talked about it and she just can’t let it go it’s up to him to attempt to sort it out. I’m having nothing to do with it but help skip it if nature follows its course and she dies before us.