Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people need to read the room more.

35 replies

Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:24

I have a very close friend who like me is a single mum however we have lots of differences; she has a HUGE 2 bed council house hige garden, I have a flat (I actually love my flat))
she has a child’s dad who pays £400 a month maintenance
I have. Child’s dad who pays £0 maintenance
she has a dsy every weekend off
ny child’s dad hasn’t seen his child in about 8 months.
she also has family who will do the other weekend night so she is free
I have zero family support.

this is just for context not to judge
but she constants puts uo status after status on how hard being s single mum is.
she rang yesterday crying as her child’s dad is on holiday for 3 weeks so won’t have his children (her parents are going to cover his nights and weekend) but it’s unfair as she couldn’t just go on holiday
zhes always saying how shit it is that her house is far away yet doesn’t work or anything to get a new job .

im just so fed up with supporting or trying to offer support to someone who’s in such s better position. I know this sounds jealous and there is of course stuff I wish I had like some support but it’s the fact it feels almost insulting to be moaning to me.

im actually content with my life and have made peace.
this isn’t even just status and a few comments this is her ringing sending messages to me in private plus group chats I am in and I want to scream how lucky she is and to be greatful

I know it’s not a race to the bottom and honestly I really am happy in my little life but it just makes me feel like I shouldn’t be.

Aibu to feel how I feel or does it hurt when people don’t read the room

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 22/02/2025 20:26

If You don't want to, don't support her. You do sound jealous.

Pessismistic · 22/02/2025 20:28

Are you able to moan about your situation to her? Sometimes people just don’t know how fortunate they are and she might not think of you because you never moan. Maybe next time she has a moan or cry you could say it could be worse you could be in my situation with nothing.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 22/02/2025 20:31

If you don't want a friendship where you can have a whinge to each other when times are tough you need to tell her that.

She isn't a mind reader.

Original poster
Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:31

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 22/02/2025 20:26

If You don't want to, don't support her. You do sound jealous.

Of course I’d like chikd maintenace and some support but it’s not jelousy its fustration with why can you be happy for what you have

OP posts:
Laura199214 · 22/02/2025 20:31

The people who are going to say you sound jealous, have never been in this position.

It's not about jealousy. It's about the other person not realising people do have it worse and taking advantage and not realising how good she's got it and as your friend she should be aware of your different circumstances and be aware that you would kill to have some time off.

I think your friend is a shitty friend for complaining to you and I would tell her so. But that's just me. I wouldn't tell her nastily. But I would say it's bugging you and you're struggling to support her when you feel like she's been unreasonable and it can feel like she's rubbing it in when you get 0 help. The way she responds to you will tell you if she's a real friend or not

Original poster
Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:33

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 22/02/2025 20:31

If you don't want a friendship where you can have a whinge to each other when times are tough you need to tell her that.

She isn't a mind reader.

This isn’t the occasional winge this is phone calls of “tell the boys I love them I can’t do this anymore” because her child’s dad sent the money a day late.

she was like my sister for years from like 4-30 so it’s got to a point I’m struggling now.

i know I’m being unfair but I need to vent

OP posts:
ThatNewMoose · 22/02/2025 20:35

It doesnt sound jealous to me, it's sounds like she's a real moaner and it's extremely grating to be around...keep staying positive about your own situation as you seem to be,and reduce how much you listen to her pessimistic moaning

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 22/02/2025 20:35

Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:33

This isn’t the occasional winge this is phone calls of “tell the boys I love them I can’t do this anymore” because her child’s dad sent the money a day late.

she was like my sister for years from like 4-30 so it’s got to a point I’m struggling now.

i know I’m being unfair but I need to vent

Show quote history

She clearly has a lot going on and needs support then because that reaction isn't normal.

If you don't want to provide that support, that's fine, but you need to tell her instead of getting more and more resentful.

And it is bloody annoying if you've budgeted to have money on a certain day and it's late.

MumChp · 22/02/2025 20:36

Go get other friends.
You don't need to have one you don't really like.

Original poster
Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:37

Laura199214 · 22/02/2025 20:31

The people who are going to say you sound jealous, have never been in this position.

It's not about jealousy. It's about the other person not realising people do have it worse and taking advantage and not realising how good she's got it and as your friend she should be aware of your different circumstances and be aware that you would kill to have some time off.

I think your friend is a shitty friend for complaining to you and I would tell her so. But that's just me. I wouldn't tell her nastily. But I would say it's bugging you and you're struggling to support her when you feel like she's been unreasonable and it can feel like she's rubbing it in when you get 0 help. The way she responds to you will tell you if she's a real friend or not

Thank you!! This is exactly it it’s not that I want her to be worst off or I want what she has I love that she has the support and is I. That position but it’s insulting to me. It’s hurts in the grouochat stoo when everyone starts saying how shit it is for her and I’m sat their thinking I haven’t had a night without my child in a year what do you all think about me.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 22/02/2025 20:37

Some people like fb posting a lot. If she is an ok friend except for her fb updates then just sunflower and mute

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 22/02/2025 20:38

Why are you still friends? She sounds very annoying.

SummerFeverVenice · 22/02/2025 20:39

I think YABU. The barest few things you have mentioned don’t automatically make her life so much better than yours. And even if her life is better than yours in every way, so what? That’s how it is between every friendship ever. One friend is always better off than the other. Friends are able to empathise with friends having struggles and not be thinking in the back of their minds how dare she whinge when she has it so good.

Original poster
Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:40

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2025 20:37

Some people like fb posting a lot. If she is an ok friend except for her fb updates then just sunflower and mute

It’s not really facebook status is the phone calls and messages last night she rang at 12 like please can I come to yours I’m having a rubbish time I was in bed and then she proceeded to say it was because her mum text asking for her to pick her children up at 10 as she’s had an emergancy and now she will be hungover. It’s things that are annoying and I have empathy for it but It doesn’t need 12 missed calls of her crying for

OP posts:
Daisy54 · 22/02/2025 20:40

I totally understand how you feel.
I have noticed that just because you do not mention your problems, people assume you have none and moan about their predicament whenever they can. It is so draining. And selfish.
Tell her how you feel and/or distance yourself from her.

Original poster
Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:41

SummerFeverVenice · 22/02/2025 20:39

I think YABU. The barest few things you have mentioned don’t automatically make her life so much better than yours. And even if her life is better than yours in every way, so what? That’s how it is between every friendship ever. One friend is always better off than the other. Friends are able to empathise with friends having struggles and not be thinking in the back of their minds how dare she whinge when she has it so good.

I actually don’t think her life is better then mine/she’s happier/ she has it better I just wish she read the room to the things she moans about when talking to me or more when talking to others in front of me knowing full well my situation.

I only wanted help on how to voice it and also to be told that I’m being unreasonable which I know I am hence why I’m on here and not saying it to anyone in real life

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 22/02/2025 20:50

It’s not that you are being unreasonable you are just venting how you feel which is fine especially if you can’t say it to friends. I don’t know why some people on here get nasty about stuff we are all allowed to feel how we feel and can vent if necessary this is why it’s anonymous sometimes there is no right or wrong but she is making a drama out of stuff that feels ridiculous to you no one can stop that but I would maybe less available especially late at night I bet she would not be as supportive to you. Look after number one you like she does. You don’t have to lose your friendship with her but let her tackle her problems herself and mute your phone now and again if she asks why your not available to her just say you know how busy it is being a single mum I’ve only got one pair of hands and no other support.

johnd2 · 22/02/2025 20:50

Some people take things harder than other, it's annoying when you're the type of person who keeps struggles to themselves and makes the best of it and focuses on the positive, and someone else is doing the opposite while you quietly seethe! But the solution is either more or less communication. Either you reduce contact, or you start to communicate your side more. Not in a competitive way, in a way that says what you need to share.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/02/2025 20:58

Yanbu

It's just me and dd and has been for almost 5 years. I'm okay with it tbh. A bit tired (half term week 😭) but okay.

If someone started whinging about not having a weekend off, it would be weird that they didn't consider my circumstances before moaning though 😭

With comparing the other stuff, like houses, you don't come off so well, op, but i think you're just trying to say that she should be more mindful rather than being jealous ❤️

TheGreatFlim · 22/02/2025 21:01

Inbedwithted · 22/02/2025 20:33

This isn’t the occasional winge this is phone calls of “tell the boys I love them I can’t do this anymore” because her child’s dad sent the money a day late.

she was like my sister for years from like 4-30 so it’s got to a point I’m struggling now.

i know I’m being unfair but I need to vent

Show quote history

Venting on here isn’t going to get you anywhere, though. Tell her you can’t listen to it. If you’re properly friends, you can get past this.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 22/02/2025 21:08

YANBU

I think you need to shut her up by saying when she moans "I feel exhausted too. I work five days and have no family help and DC dad is nowhere to be seen. Parenting is hard " Maybe she'll get it's not just her.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/02/2025 21:09

Eldermilleniallyogii · 22/02/2025 21:08

YANBU

I think you need to shut her up by saying when she moans "I feel exhausted too. I work five days and have no family help and DC dad is nowhere to be seen. Parenting is hard " Maybe she'll get it's not just her.

Edited

Yeah i think you just need to tell her this, she's probably super unaware

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 21:16

@Inbedwithted

OP it sounds horrendous.

Do you think she has MH issues because some of what she’s saying is a very extreme reaction to everyday occurrences that happen to most people (money late/change in plans).

This is not to excuse her, by the way.

What do you think her response would be if you gently raised this with her? If you think she would be offended and drop you as a friend, that might not be such a bad thing! But if she needs to get help and you can help her to do that, it would be better (hopefully) for both of you.

Ap42 · 22/02/2025 21:20

She sounds too self absorbed to read the room. Some people just have no insight. I would mention to her that you also have problems and much less support, maybe even go as far as saying she's actually quite lucky. I doubt it will have any impact, but worth a shot. It does sound like maybe she has some mental health issues?
I'm a single parent too. My biggest bugbear is when other Mothers liken themselves to single parents because their other half is useless, or works a lot. It's really just not the same.

chelseahealyslips · 22/02/2025 21:24

She sounds spoiled and entitled. I don't think you're being unreasonable and I don't think I'd be able to cope having to listen to her pity party when she is obviously very lucky in many ways.
I think I'd have snapped by now.
I'd be a lot less available to her nonsense. Especially the catastrophising, calling you at ridiculous times for no reason 🙄Wtf