Dds(11) older friend(16)

fredisnothere · 2025-02-22T18:56:53+00:00

DD is 11 and in Y7. She has made friends with a girl in year 11 who is 16 and does the same sport as her out of school(an unusual sport, for girls at least), a teacher apprently made the link and introduced them, they have now spent a few breaks together and been texting each other. I’ve never met her and know nothing else about her. She's asked dd if she wants to go out with her tomorrow (lunch shopping) , DD asked DH who automatically said yes, he thinks we let her go out with Y7 friends and if anything she’s safer with a 16 year old. AIBU to feel uncomfortable with this? I'm trying to hold myself back from saying I don't think she should but it just seems weird that a 16 year old would want to spend time with an 11 year old even if they do the same sport, they're at very different points in their lives socially.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/02/2025 18:58

I’d be a bit concerned as well.

CommentHere · 22/02/2025 18:59

Yanbu
I wouldn't like that when I don't know the other girl. Fair enough at the sport and about the sport but not socially.

Paul2023 · 22/02/2025 19:02

16 year olds don’t usually want to hang around with 11 year olds. Sport or a common interest is one thing but socially no.

Remembering my school days, Y11 kids never wanted to hang around with Y7 kids.

Margorett · 22/02/2025 19:02

I don't think this is a good idea, unless of course the 16yr old is very very immature.

FairyBlueEyes · 22/02/2025 19:14

Hmm yeah seems a bit weird to me. Most 16 year olds wouldn’t be seen dead with an 11 year old.

Stripeyanddotty · 22/02/2025 19:18

Have you read the texts?

tarheelbaby · 22/02/2025 19:47

YABU - Would you trust your own DD to be friends with a younger person? (well, of course you would trust your angel to be a good, guiding friend to a younger person b/c your DC is 'good as gold'; what if my (older?) DC is as good as yours ...! )
A teacher has introduced them as mutually agreeable and they have been texting - ask to see the texts? I'll bet they are all about Hollister, Taylor and the activity they both do... (at a minimum, you can drag the teacher into this and make sure they NEVER work again...)

Sometimes people click. Many of my friends were not and are not my exact school year. We had a shared interest and a weekly training session for our mutual hobbies.

In sporting groups, people of all age groups meet through their shared interest.
Back in the day, I was intelligent, over-read and thus awkward. Only older people could tolerate me. If I had not had friends/supporters outside my year group/school, I would have probably sunk.

Did you only have friends in NOT your year group? as an adult, most of mine are NOT exactly the same year ...
How will anyone mature, grow, advance, if they are segregated by year group so don't mix with any different ages?

Everything in your OP sounds plausible. When we were teens, no one would even have known about it. You would have wandered down the town with a friend from school. end of.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 22/02/2025 19:48

I wonder about additional needs? It's not unusual for kids with SEN to be a little younger socially and find socialising with younger kids easier.

WitcheryDivine · 22/02/2025 19:51

I wouldn’t go for this no.

Smartiepants79 · 22/02/2025 19:56

Do you let her go out alone with other 11 year olds? What do you know about the other girl. It does seem unusual.
To me the most likely scenario is a 16 year old who is struggling socially with her own peer group. Maybe some SEN or just an immature 16 year old. It seems unlikely the teacher would have connected them if there were concerns about the older child. Can you be very close by? I think I would say yes but ask to meet the girl first and then be in town, a 5 min phone call away if needed.

Original poster

fredisnothere · 22/02/2025 19:57

I would worry about dd wanting to be hanging out socially with a 6 year old as well.

5 years is a big gap when you are U18.

OP posts:

suburberphobe · 22/02/2025 20:02

at a minimum, you can drag the teacher into this and make sure they NEVER work again..

WTF??!

TappyGilmore · 22/02/2025 20:24

My DD dances and has made a lot of friends through dance who are older or younger than her. It’s more like a sibling relationship. She is in Y11 (she’s 15 not 16) and has friends who are in Y7, and she also has friends who are now finished school (were Y13 last year).

Initially I did have some reservations about the much older ones and the sort of influence they may be having, but I have monitored things and I’m happy that they are lovely girls who do always behave appropriately around the younger ones.

The one time I saw an inappropriate text exchange amongst the group, one of the Y7s was included. I said to DD that it was not okay especially because of the Y7 being involved, and DD said that she started it, and showed me evidence which seemed to support that. So if the younger one started it, there is no reason to believe she wouldn’t do it with friends her own age - she doesn’t need to be hanging out with Y11s for her to behave badly.

Anyway this isn’t quite a five year gap but not far off. It’s four years.

FairyBlueEyes · 22/02/2025 20:31

TappyGilmore · 22/02/2025 20:24

My DD dances and has made a lot of friends through dance who are older or younger than her. It’s more like a sibling relationship. She is in Y11 (she’s 15 not 16) and has friends who are in Y7, and she also has friends who are now finished school (were Y13 last year).

Initially I did have some reservations about the much older ones and the sort of influence they may be having, but I have monitored things and I’m happy that they are lovely girls who do always behave appropriately around the younger ones.

The one time I saw an inappropriate text exchange amongst the group, one of the Y7s was included. I said to DD that it was not okay especially because of the Y7 being involved, and DD said that she started it, and showed me evidence which seemed to support that. So if the younger one started it, there is no reason to believe she wouldn’t do it with friends her own age - she doesn’t need to be hanging out with Y11s for her to behave badly.

Anyway this isn’t quite a five year gap but not far off. It’s four years.

But does she socialise outside of the dance club with the older ones? I’d say being part of a group chat is very different to actually going out with the young ones

OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 20:38

I’d love to say “ah no it’s fine” and feel that I’m being laid back about stuff like this but thing is - when a friend of mine who was around 30 at the time said he’d been friends at 16 with an 11 year old girl - to the point she came to stay with him as they lived in different cities - it put me off him tbh

i Know this is a bloke and you’re talking about 2 girls OP - but still I feel j can’t show double standard

nothing dodgy on between my friend and the 11 year old j just felt he might have difficulty mixing with kids his own age

Original poster

fredisnothere · 22/02/2025 21:40

I don’t think the idea that she might be immature or not have any friends in her own year makes me feel better, that would worry me and I wouldn’t want her to become dd’s responsibility.

Also if the 16 year old is struggling socially I don’t think it would be helpful for her to be seen hanging out with a year 7.

OP posts:

OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 21:44

fredisnothere · 22/02/2025 21:40

I don’t think the idea that she might be immature or not have any friends in her own year makes me feel better, that would worry me and I wouldn’t want her to become dd’s responsibility.

Also if the 16 year old is struggling socially I don’t think it would be helpful for her to be seen hanging out with a year 7.

Can I just say - this is what I totally thought when my friend admitted as a 16 year old had hung out as a friend with an 11 year old. Put me off. YANBU at all

CuteEasterBunny · 22/02/2025 21:48

My child is year 11 but their friendship group spans from year 8-11 as they all attend the same groups.
Theres so many of them that I think it’s quite nice that kids of all school years can be friends. They go for food a lot, bowling, hang out etc.

Cunningfungus · 22/02/2025 22:01

@fredisnothere YANBU to be concerned. This happened to my DD when she was 11 - a girl of 15 from the next street started hanging out with her. Within a few weeks, our DD was pinching money out our coin jar, was caught shoplifting from the corner shop and also was caught trying to let car tyres down! The older girl was egging her on to do all this and I think DD was “flattered” by the attention of an older/cooler girl and going along with it - the older girl never got her hands dirty so to speak - she just “made” DD do all these things. I spoke to the girl’s parents and DD was banned from seeing her and thankfully all the bad behaviour stopped.

Of course I’m not saying anything like this will happen with your DD, but it is a bit unusual for those ages to mix on an equal footing - the older child will almost always be “in control” of the friendship and what they do when hanging out.

NormasArse · 22/02/2025 22:02

If the 16 yr old spends a lot of time doing this sport, perhaps she hasn’t forged many other friendships. She might just feel really comfortable around your daughter because of their shared interest.

BurntOrangeAutumn · 22/02/2025 22:04

My 12 year old has 15 year old friends from a sport. They just clicked & get on really well.

Thisshirtisonfire · 22/02/2025 22:06

I'd want to meet the girl first.
But I think you are being a little unreasonable to immediately write off this friendship.
I had a friend a few years younger at school. We bonded over a group we did. We are still friends to this day!!
What do you think the issue is?
The friend probably likes being looked up to. Your daughter probably likes having an older friend.
It's only a problem if she's not a very nice girl. Which you can find out by inviting her over. If she seems like a good person then I wouldn't worry about the age difference.

pizzaHeart · 22/02/2025 22:14

Are you sure that the other girl offered to go shopping together? It could be that she mentioned shopping plans and DD asked to join her and the other girl was too polite to say “ no” or genuinely didn’t mind.
My DD knows a girl 4 years younger through hobby and tbh I could imagine this sort of conversation between them.

I would ask to see txts. And in generally I would introduce a rule that at this stage you have to meet a friend or DD needs to know them at least for certain period before they go out on their own. It’s not only this girl , there might be other girls from school so at least until year 9 I would do that.

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 22/02/2025 22:36

It's unusual but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's anything dodgy about it. The older girl might like the thought of being a sort of mentor to your DD, as they already have an interest in common. She might have younger sisters or cousins and be very used to interacting with people your DD's age. She might also be quite shy or lonely and like the thought of being friends with someone she doesn't have to try too hard to impress.

I would do the same thing I would do if my 11 year old wanted to go out with any new friend - say yes on condition that I get to meet the friend first, and if possible one of their parents, just to check that they are also happy with what's going on. If you spend some time with the girl and don't get a good feeling about it, then you can decide not to let them go out alone together. But she might be well-meaning, and if she is, then it could be quite a nice experience for your DD to be taken seriously by her and spend some time together.

Fountofwisdom · 22/02/2025 22:38

fredisnothere · 22/02/2025 19:57

I would worry about dd wanting to be hanging out socially with a 6 year old as well.

5 years is a big gap when you are U18.

Secondary school teacher here. I would not allow this if it was my DD. As you say, there is a massive gap developmentally and emotionally between an 11yo and a 16yo. In school, yr 11s do not even take yr 7s under their notice, and it would be a cause for concern to staff if a yr 11 was hanging around with a yr 7 pupil.

If it’s the case that the older girl struggles socially or has additional
needs, that could quickly become a burden to your daughter. If it was a group of them from the hobby/activity, all knocking about together occasionally, that might be slightly different, but a 1-to-1 friendship, no. Teenage girl friendships can be fiercely intense at the best of times.

Whilst it may be innocent enough, there is, at the very least, an obvious power imbalance between those ages, and the older child could have nefarious motives of one type or another. If it was a 16 year old boy, you would definitely have already put the brakes on this.

I would totally put the dampeners on this, encourage your DD’s friendships with her own age group and keep close tabs on the situation. The texting worries me too. Personally, I think parents should always be monitoring what children under 16 are doing on their phones, so you need to know the content of any text messaging.