SS speaking to DC in school

[Anxietystrikesagainyay]

I know this isn’t a AIBU, but I’m posting for traffic as I’m anxious, sorry.

Eldest DS has severe autism and attends a SEN school.

Currently struggling in school and having lots of meltdowns as OCD and changing of routine moving class had upset him, then will sometimes come home and carry on being upset, so was reffeded to learning disability service aka CAMHS northwest alternative, as we don’t have one here.

They suggested we have a social worker so he can get some respite on weekends to go out 1:1 for a couple of hours, and other dc can do something they want to do (I declined this multiple times as I take all dc out together on weekends and manage) but on the last time they came, they said try it he might enjoy it, so I said there’s no harm in trying, fine.

Call from SS on Friday, they have received the referral from learning disability service and said they were told me family is at breakdown point? I didn’t say this but ok, and they wish to speak to my dc in school to see how it’s effecting them having a singling with autism and how they’re coping/ feeling etc. I was a little shocked but agreed as I didn’t want to sound like I had anything to hide and gave them permission to contact school and my youngest is at nursery. A little worried what he will say as he’s a toddler and doesn’t understand. But just looking for reassurance if anyone knows what will happen now.

Sorry for all the typos, I’ve just read it back and should have proof read before submitting.

I don't have any experience but just wanted to send some support, I can imagine your anxiety. X

Don't worry about it, seeing children alone is part of a social workers job. They will want to make sure DC are okay and look at any extra support they can provide. It may be that they suggest a young carers group for the school age child or ask school to provide some extra pastoral support or make accommodations for him at school.

Thank you @Crankyracoon
I just wish I carried on declining now :( as my ds with autism is mentally the same age as his younger siblings, they all enjoy doing the same thing anyway, soft play, etc. So I didn’t actually want respite for him, hence declining multiple times before. It was more for managing his ocd and mental health, with perhaps some medication to calm him down atm.

I’m just in shock to hear they have told them my family is at the point of breakdown, which doesn’t feel fair, as when the disability nurse came, she said how do you cope, you do really well taking them out every week etc. but that’s not what she said on the SS referral.

Ok thank you.

Do you know what they might ask them at school? I just worry as they are still very young and won’t quite understand I feel. I don’t want them to say the wrong thing and potentially dig me a deeper hole now my family is apparently “at breaking point”.

The nurse who came to the house also said the teacher had said something she hadn’t when she was watching my son with autism in school . When I asked his teacher, she said she did not say it and would be getting the head teacher to intervene the next time they went to watch him. And now they’ve said something I haven’t said to SS. Which is very annoying and seems they now have a form of it.

they’re coming again next week, I think il ask them why they said that, and why they kept telling me to give it a try he may like it, but word it totally different on the SS referral.

I work in child protection. “This family is a breaking point” is just what we have to say to get families any support. It’s not a judgement on the families that I work with. I’ve said it plenty of times about families where I’m completely in awe of the parents, but they deserve more support. It’s so hard to get anything respite, you should grab it with both hands. I know social services involvement can feel really intrusive, but try not to let that comment bother you. It doesn’t meant they think you’re doing a bad job.

How old are your children who are not in nursery? What did they say when you consented for this?
School itself might be respite for them and they may not want the intrusion of a stranger asking them to disclose private details.
Another factor is that they might reflect on their day and it might impact negatively on their work that day.
It's not about what the social worker is capable of its more of what your children are like; sensitive or confident. Happy to offload or like to keep things to themselves.

Honestly. You’re doing the right thing. SS are not trying to trip uou or your other children up or try and gain any evidence of anything untoward. They are trying to understand how best to support your whole family. This is good. You might think that you don’t need support right now but I guarantee that you will as your
beloved dc gets older. I would probably bet as well that you are unaware of the high stress and alert state that you currently function in. Maybe a bit of downtime might be good even if you don’t think so right now. And you can refuse if you really want to. Changing your mind is ok. But I urge you to give this a try. But please don’t worry. All is ok. And hopefully going to be a bit easier in the future. It’s great to have your child in their sights and think of the opportunities they can offer as he gets older and leaves school. Such as supported accommodation with work placements etc.

My other dc are in year 5 & 3, and youngest in nursery. They’re all bright and confident, where they should be academically, etc. Rarely miss a day of school, never had an issue with them to be honest. One was at a birthday party today, other dc having a sleep over at best friends. So they have a fine social life and get out on weekends. Just feels intrusive now and like I am painted to be awful with the “family at breaking point” point. I genuinely don’t feel like eating tonight, haven’t had a morsel of food yet today. I just feel sick with stress like they will remove them for having a brother with “high care needs” as they referred to him.

They will play with them, may use some direct work tools like pictures or games to identify how they feel, their likes and dislikes any worries they have, what makes them feel safe. I've done work like that myself with children and what often comes out is they love their mummy and mummy makes them feel safe.

Thank you x

I taught for many years in a special school. When I was trying to get them more support, I knew I had to describe their child's needs (and if relevant, the family's) as they would be on the very worst of days.

As we were normally very positive about the children, I always forewarned the parents that the report that I would write would seem very negative, and to please not worry, or think that that was how I saw their child as a whole.

But as a pp said, if I didn't do that, they'd get no help. I didn't lie, but I did describedl the child on their worst day.

@saraclara thank you, that is helpful. Just feels kick in the teeth as I didn’t ask for help from SS and declined the respite multiple times. I only wanted to get him some medication for his anxiety and ocd from the learning disability service x

They suggested we have a social worker so he can get some respite on weekends to go out 1:1 for a couple of hours, and other dc can do something they want to do (I declined this multiple times as I take all dc out together on weekends and manage) but on the last time they came, they said try it he might enjoy it, so I said there’s no harm in trying, fine.

(I declined this multiple times as I take all dc out together on weekends and manage)

This is a little unfair to your other child.
You should not be planning to be a single unit of 2 children. Your youngest needs to be given space to have your sole focus and your undivided attention.

IMO the respite is not for DC1 nor you its for DC2

You DC2 is dealing with meltdowns too.
Are you too close to see that you can do better for both children if you can get outside help? It will get harder as DC2 grows and you need to split them up if DC2 is in a sport or going to a party etc

Oops 🙈
Cross post with Anxietystrikesagainyay · Today 18:51

Thats a little different if you are running Mum's taxi for both👍

I second this, I'm also a social worker and have used the term risk of breakdown to get support for the families I work with.

@AnSolas sorry, I probably should’ve said, they do plenty things without their brother. Dh will stay home with my son with autism for example, or take him out and il take the other dc Cinema, out with their friends/ whatever they want to do. They are not stuck with him all the time, doing what he wants. They’ve been out all weekend, without him. I wouldn’t expect them to sit around whilst he’s having a melt down all day. I manage between me/ dh/ my mum/ family for the other dc to also do their activities.

We have two DS with a learning disability at a special school. We get some funding for respite so similar to you, had to have a disability specialist SW do an assessment. They were supportive but it is quite an intranet process. However the respite is amazing and so good for the kids and us.

Yeah, that'll be what they say to ensure you get some support, so don't worry about it. They will also potentially offer support to your other children, as they are more than likely eligible to be classed as young carers. Young carer support is brilliant and gives your other children some respite as well as you!

Ah I see, so it just feels like they should’ve known then surely? Rather than to ring me saying the family is at the point of breakdown they’ve heard, and the dc are also unhappy so they want to see how they’re getting on in school? She did say instead of a full blown social worker, she thinks it would be best if I have family help or something like a mini social worker, I can’t remember the word, as it seems I am managing ok at the moment. I don’t know what the difference is tbh, I just froze after hearing the first few lines about the breakdown!

Early help they will be referring to with a family support worker which is nothing at all to worry about, take the support. If they had safeguarding concerns it would need to be a social worker.

@JLou08 ok thank you, that’s reassuring x

Don't worry about this and it is a really good thing. Right now all your kids are happy, but they won't always have the same mental ages and maybe it will be nice for the other kids to get a bug if time off some time in the future. And actually maybe your child might enjoy some one on one time. You don't know until you try it. The other kids are always jealous when a child gets a meeting with a social worker in my nursery. As the child tends to get to play a really fun game whilst chatting and all the other kids want to see what's going on. Sometimes another child is allowed to join them as they play. It's very casual and they'd never do anything to upset the child.

Your other children and you and dh deserve support too. You said dc is coming home continuing being very disregulated - this must be hard for you all to manage.
My cousin has similar issues but is now an adult. I'd take the respite. He has found it incredibly helpful over the years esp in building a weekly routine as he entered adulthood and left education. His respite carers now come 4 days a week with him as an adult and do set activity each day that he enjoys. Same each week so he know exact routine and has a visual board of which carer is coming.

Please don’t worry about this referral, they may send someone out to visit and see how you are all managing, children’s services have a duty to support families with a child with additional needs. They might allocate you a family help or early help worker who can support you and refer you to services commissioned by the local authority like special swimming sessions, staffed soft play sessions, sleep clinics or young carers groups for siblings. Our LA provides payments for children with disabilities that you can use for activities like one to one swimming lessons or a buddy to take them to an activity like football that they couldn’t always access.
it might also mean you could get direct payments to pay for a babysitter or respite. So just be honest about how things are at home and see what support you could be entitled to.
you will NOT have your children removed for this, the bar for children to be removed is so high, years of abuse or neglect with many years of intervention that has been unsuccessful.