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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerns regarding teacher behaviour

52 replies

Mumzy42 · 22/02/2025 15:09

Hi, need advice.
My son received a letter from a girl in school asking to meet her etc, my concern is,in the letter she states a teacher told her his name, his age 16, (the girl is 13 btw) and 'SHOWED HER' what he looks like which she thinks was weird.
My son is infact almost 18 and the teacher as a member of the school would know he is in his final year.
My concern is why is a teacher engaging in a conversation with a 13 yr girl about a near 18 yr old boy and showing her what my son looks like?
Clearly this girl doesnt know him as her letter states the teacher told me about you and showed me what you look like?
When bringing to the head teachers attention the matter has been investigated and the said teacher denies doing this and the girl didnt mean anything by it, and as the girl changed her story in which room the conversation with said teacher happened they were not taking this any further, even though this girl states it was a video of my son playing football with this teacher as they did play in the same team for a while.
So clearly this did infact happen but as teacher has denied school are accepting this.
Do I take this further?
Or am I being over protective? My biggest concern here is the girl is only 13 why was a teacher encouraging her to persue him knowing fine well he is almost 18 and not 16 like he told the girl.
A few more facts....
The teacher is not young so should know better age mid 40s.
We know of him out with hos teaching assistant role and he has passed several comments of pupils in his care being under social services or neglected at home so I know first hand how unprofessional he can be and had texts to prove this sort of communitation.
Any advice greatly received.
I am not happy with the head teachers response and i am considering going to the education authority or wherever I need to go.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:12

This is all very odd

but if I had to guess I’d guess the entire thing is BS and your DS is making up a load of shit because he’s been caught pursuing a 13 year old

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:13

Go to the ed authority

it will not reap the result you want

because if I were to hedge a bet…. Your son is playing a much bigger part in this

PTSDBarbiegirl · 22/02/2025 15:16

I'd be thinking my son was not telling the whole truth and I'd want to know much more about the full story.

DorothyStorm · 22/02/2025 15:18

We know of him out with hos teaching assistant role
What does this mean?

DorothyStorm · 22/02/2025 15:19

did your son show you the letter?

JMSA · 22/02/2025 15:19

This is so odd. I work in a secondary school and have never once heard of a pupil sending a letter to another. They'd get the name of the kid they were interested in, and find them on social media.

EmmaMaria · 22/02/2025 15:20

13 year old girtls are incapable of lying, and don't know how to use the internet to find information about people. Yeah, right.

I have a 16 year old car with 347 miles on the clock to sell you....

XWKD · 22/02/2025 15:21

Perhaps she fancies him and made up the story.

Motherofacertainage · 22/02/2025 15:22

It does sound like the teacher has made an unprofessional comment or two but with no proof and with the school having already backed him once I think you're unlikely to get a different outcome without additional proof. The leadership of the school are now aware of your complaint and if, as you suggest, the teacher has a reputation for this sort of behaviour, it will be added to the log and may come back to bite him/her later on. Unless you have an abundance of time on your hands it's probably not worth pursuing at this point.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:23

Your almost 18 year old has been inappropriately chatting with a 13 year old OP is what i reckon is the case

and then he made her make up a lie to make it look like he had no idea what was going on

only he’s not the brightest, and it’s backfired

OldChinaJug · 22/02/2025 15:25

Arrange a meeting with the HT, the teacher, your son and yourself to get to the bottom of it. See what the story sounds like then.

HeebieJeebeez · 22/02/2025 15:25

Something don't add up

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/02/2025 15:25

Is he a teacher or a teaching assistant? This is very confusing.

I'm with those who think your son has had much more to do with this than he's saying.

SnakebitesandSambucas · 22/02/2025 15:33

Clear as mud!

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:35

OldChinaJug · 22/02/2025 15:25

Arrange a meeting with the HT, the teacher, your son and yourself to get to the bottom of it. See what the story sounds like then.

Oooh i would like to be a fly on the wall!

poetryandwine · 22/02/2025 15:35

Do you mean that this teacher has been going out with the TA to HoS, OP? I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Has he addressed the breaches of confidentiality directly to you? If not, they are gossip and gossip should not be brought into this. It sounds weak.

I think it’s no more than even odds whether the teacher has crossed a line here, or whether one of the teenagers is being less than straightforward. You must consider the possibility that the teenager in question is DS. How does he feel about your pursuing this?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/02/2025 15:37

Can’t see what motivation a teacher or teaching assistant would have to show a random girl a picture of a random boy.

On the other hand, I can see what motivation a teenage boy would have to contact a girl that he thought was his age. I can also see what motivation a teenage boy would have to lie about the circumstances because he’s panicked to discover that she’s only 13.

I think I’d be asking a lot more questions of your son, OP.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:41

a teenage boy would have to contact a girl that he thought was his age

I suspect you’re being generous there

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/02/2025 15:44

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:41

a teenage boy would have to contact a girl that he thought was his age

I suspect you’re being generous there

I struggle to imagine why an 18 year old would be interested in a girl that he knew was 13, but I don’t have children and it’s been decades since I was that age, so perhaps I’m naively ignorant.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 15:45

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/02/2025 15:44

I struggle to imagine why an 18 year old would be interested in a girl that he knew was 13, but I don’t have children and it’s been decades since I was that age, so perhaps I’m naively ignorant.

Show quote history

Me too

but they’re out there

and they’re dangerous

Littlebluebird123 · 22/02/2025 15:47

Honestly, the entire post is quite confusing.

Was the teacher watching/showing a video of himself playing a sport and your son was also in the video? Then the girl has said is that X at our school and he's said it's Y. (For example). That's not really what I would consider inappropriate necessarily as it could have been shown for a valid reason and if there were a number of children from the school in the video then the kids would talk about it.

The contacting your son via letter is weird but also not super believable. Girls and boys talk about their crushes all the time and get their snap or phone number to contact them. It would be so unlikely to come from a teacher.

Cosyblankets · 22/02/2025 15:50

A 13 year old wrote a letter? Not a Snapchat / WhatsApp or any social media message? A letter? I didn't think kids did this any more. I'm a teacher but I've been away from the classroom for more than a decade and i don't think they were doing it when i left.

SnoopysHoose · 22/02/2025 15:52

The OP isn't clear, the girl has never seen or met your son, a teacher described him to her and she wrote him a letter?
Is this correct?
Incredibly odd.

Hallamlass · 22/02/2025 15:55

JMSA · 22/02/2025 15:19

This is so odd. I work in a secondary school and have never once heard of a pupil sending a letter to another. They'd get the name of the kid they were interested in, and find them on social media.

I was going to say the same! The last time I intercepted a note was in about 1994!
This is a very odd story

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 22/02/2025 15:56

All very odd

Much more likely either DS has been caught put sniffing around a 13 year old and is lying, saying she thought he was young etc

Or the girl has been caught out, embarrassed about approaching him when she thought he was younger and is blaming the teacher (or teaching assistant, his job appears to change) to cover her own embarrassment