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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner passing comment about his ex, should I just brush it off?

32 replies

Tinyt2018 · 22/02/2025 13:09

I went down a rabbit hole and maybe should t have asked (I have my own issues I’m aware of) I asked my partner of two years who was more pleasing on the eye and he said his ex was more attractive but that we had a better connection, I may add at this point in my heart I know we don’t because I have had to keep up a sexual facade and truly he doesn’t seem interested as he puts it in vanilla sex which had seemed to have multiple times a week like he had with this ex he made comment on, I only seem to turn him on if it’s appealing to his kink side and he can easily go 10+ days without an interested In sexual intimacy with me, when it is kinky thought he peaks and doesn’t stop going on about it .. I am not kinky in the ways he thinks I am and I am drained, but the cherry on top was when he mentioned another ex and a particular time that he had never orgasmed as hard since … he told me he was hard thinking about it ( edit: he could of said this to make me jealous and wasn’t this case in this instance )and this whole thing has messed me up… AIBU ? Is this ok ? Is this normal

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 22/02/2025 13:11

no

pinkyredrose · 22/02/2025 13:12

That was a ridiculous question to ask.
However if you're turning yourself in to someone you're not just for him to get his rocks off then this relationship isn't going to last. What are his kinks?

MikeRafone · 22/02/2025 13:13

You don't want a partner who keeps harping back to his exes, Go and find yourself someone who is interested in you and not the past

Original poster
Tinyt2018 · 22/02/2025 13:15

pinkyredrose · 22/02/2025 13:12

That was a ridiculous question to ask.
However if you're turning yourself in to someone you're not just for him to get his rocks off then this relationship isn't going to last. What are his kinks?

Maybe so but it has come from a place of feeling inadequate and not desired.. he is into such things as sharing me and cuck type fetishes

OP posts:
Lostworlds · 22/02/2025 13:15

I think you need to decide what you want from this relationship. You’re drained but keep going to have a relationship with him. If you can’t truly be yourself then is there really any hope for this relationship?

He shouldn’t have said the stuff about the ex but least he was honest about it all.

Radionowhere · 22/02/2025 13:15

Yuck. I couldn't live like that OP

SantasLargerHelper · 22/02/2025 13:17

Sounds gross tbh. Ditch and move on.

Snorlaxo · 22/02/2025 13:18

You’re drained because the pretending is unsustainable and he’s being selfish only have sex “his way”

WhatTheKey · 22/02/2025 13:18

Telling you he has a hard on thinking about his ex?!
Oh come on OP. You KNOW this is shit. I'd tell him that he just wasn't enough for me sexually, and I'd dump him without a second thought.

Original poster
Tinyt2018 · 22/02/2025 13:24

WhatTheKey · 22/02/2025 13:18

Telling you he has a hard on thinking about his ex?!
Oh come on OP. You KNOW this is shit. I'd tell him that he just wasn't enough for me sexually, and I'd dump him without a second thought.

Half of me wants to believe he told me this to maybe appeal to what he feels is kinky and maybe he wasn’t and just said it but in my heart I believe it was actually true …

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/02/2025 13:24

It's not a happy relationship, you don't feel secure and you're doing things you're not into just to please him. And he's either pining over an ex, or trying to make you feel insecure about her, or both. Why are you still together?

Original poster
Tinyt2018 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Snorlaxo · 22/02/2025 13:18

You’re drained because the pretending is unsustainable and he’s being selfish only have sex “his way”

The thing is I know why I am drained and I am actually pretty miserable, I am finding it hard to walk away from something I know isn’t right because in other aspects he is kind to me and means well

OP posts:
dairydebris · 22/02/2025 13:28

Oh fgs. Stop doing this to yourself! Everytime you erase yourself to put his needs before your own you're destroying a tiny bit more of your self worth. Dump him and find someone who loves you for you! Or just be single.

Original poster
Tinyt2018 · 22/02/2025 13:29

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/02/2025 13:24

It's not a happy relationship, you don't feel secure and you're doing things you're not into just to please him. And he's either pining over an ex, or trying to make you feel insecure about her, or both. Why are you still together?

I think he tells me because I have gone down the rabbit hole to ask, because I feel insecure , one reason being is that he doesn’t seem interested in sex most of the time , unless it appeals to this kink stuff I have tried to speak to him but he just says things like he’s older now, he has to come to mine during the week.. I am only tens mins away .. he has other commitments and that previous ex would spend more time at his place and they virtually lived together .. he also told me that they didn’t really have a connection the same and he enjoys just spending time with me .. I am torn …

OP posts:
JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 22/02/2025 13:46

You deserve more.

Poppyseeds79 · 22/02/2025 14:04

Bin him off pronto! You're not married, you're not living together, no kids together. Why on earth would you stay with someone you can literally message today and say "this is no longer working for me". Being kind and nice to you is the absolute minimum you should expect from any relationship. He's not meeting your sexual needs, and you're twisting yourself up to meet his.

Find someone you're on the same page with, or stay single. Either way you'll be happier.

WhatTheKey · 22/02/2025 14:14

OP, this thread makes me sad. You sound like a nice, intelligent woman, and I want to give you a hug. All this kink stuff, all this insecurity that this man is giving you... It's not loving, it's not kind. Even within a kink that had been discussed and talked about carefully, boundaries agreed, he would still be sensitive. You deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
Tinyt2018 · 22/02/2025 15:06

WhatTheKey · 22/02/2025 14:14

OP, this thread makes me sad. You sound like a nice, intelligent woman, and I want to give you a hug. All this kink stuff, all this insecurity that this man is giving you... It's not loving, it's not kind. Even within a kink that had been discussed and talked about carefully, boundaries agreed, he would still be sensitive. You deserve so much better than this.

Thank you, to be honest , I feel like I have to do the most for kink and it breaks my heart that if these statements are true, that from my understanding the ex in question over the orgasm and erection statement literally did the bare minimum in terms of his kink which I am also inclined to feel upset about considering if again what he said is true I have gone above and beyond and still couldn’t match that. Putting myself in a position doing things I am not at all comfortable with. It is for me a case of comparison and I literally feel like on a sexual level I don’t even compare (given that he doesn’t even like the woman and protests this )

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:31

You are working way too hard to be who he wants. Find somebody who likes you for you, not the person you are pretending to be.

Endofyear · 22/02/2025 15:46

It doesn't sound like you're compatible to be honest. If you're having to pretend you're interested in his kink to keep him interested, it's not sustainable long term. Wouldn't you be happier with someone who is more interested in meeting your needs than indulging his own niche interests?

pinkyredrose · 22/02/2025 17:41

The thing is I know why I am drained and I am actually pretty miserable

You know what you need to do. It isn't working. Move on.

StillAGoth · 22/02/2025 17:45

Oh just dump him. Sex you don't want to have with a man who puts you down?

Just why?

outerspacepotato · 22/02/2025 17:48

You two are sexually incompatible and you're twisting yourself into a pretzel and making yourself miserable doing sexual things you aren't really into. It will just get worse.

Kind guys don't try to make their gf jealous to get them to go along with their kink when they're not really into it. And, he either knows you don't like it and doesn't care, or he's so oblivious to you that he isn't picking up on your signals and unhappiness.

SnoopysHoose · 22/02/2025 18:03

Stop tying yourself up in knots trying to figure him out, just dump him, there's better men out there.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/02/2025 18:06

@Tinyt2018 are you having sex with people you don't want to have sex with, to satisfy his cuck kink?

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