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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not interested in DD’s sport

36 replies

Palsof · 22/02/2025 02:43

DH takes DS 17yrs to football training and matches. DS is on 2 teams so it’s every weekend during the season. DH only stays to watch league or championship matches and leaves if DS on sub bench. DH and me share bringing DD 15yrs to her training but DH never stays to watch and never has brought her to her competitions since she was little. She is very hurt about this and the fact that DH goes to her brother’s matches. His reason is that he’s no interest in gymnastics so why would he go. The situation means I bring DD to all her competitions which can go on for hours, and I also attend as many of DS matches as I can, sometimes there is a clash and I have to prioritise DD as no way would DH even offer to swap. This has been the way the past 8 years despite my objections. I am now feeling guilty that this may be impacting DD self esteem.
AIBU to expect him to attend her sport even though he’s no interest? Can I expect her to accept this without it affecting her?

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 22/02/2025 04:55

He is showing his daughter that he has no interest in her. She won’t ever forget.

Even though my dd is nearly 20, dh still drives her occasionally so he can hear everything she has to say.

Temporaryname158 · 22/02/2025 04:58

It’s not about his interest in gymnastics, it’s about his interest in his daughter and his sexism is loud and clear.

id tell him firmly to get his head out his arse and start supporting his daughter. I’d be very disappointed in him as a father and husband

bohnerific69 · 22/02/2025 05:02

I had a similar experience with my dad in that he would only spend time with me if he was interested in whatever it was. Like I'd ask him to go to the cinema and it'd have to be a film he liked. I started to like a certain genre of music just because he did and then we'd spend time together. We're no contact now for a variety of reasons but his complete lack of interest in me is one of the biggest.

Kitjo · 22/02/2025 05:09

Oh my gosh - I read this and it panged my heart. I had this as a child/adolescent whereby my Father only appeared to listen or take interest in my brothers sport or chit chat etc In my early 20's I wrote him a letter trying to explain my feelings. He responded by ignoring it and telling my Mother it was "a load of emotional hogwash" - I'm in my 60's we haven't spoken for nearly 20yrs

AnxietyIsKillingMe · 22/02/2025 05:12

I am a sports psychologist.
initially when beginning my degree I planned to study the psychology of performance.
However, halfway through my first year we studied gender equality (or the horrific lack thereof) in sports, and since then it has been my speciality.
Girls and women have never been treated fairly in sports and although there are strides in the right direction with things like an increase in popularity of women’s football there is a long way to go, not necessarily because women’s sports don’t exist, or that women don’t want to play, but because society doesn’t take them seriously and doesn’t see them as important as male sports.

Whether he knows it consciously or not your DH is reinforcing this in your DD. As others have said it’s not about whether he likes gymnastics. If DD played football would he stay and watch?
of not, why not?
And if he would, why is football a more valid sport than gymnastics?
I don’t know your DH but I suspect the answer lies in deep rooted gender stereotypes and it’s something your DD will never forget, or forgive.

Please talk seriously with your DH
Please tell him not to be one of the reasons your DD gives up, because she’s being taught that her sport isn’t interesting or important enough to warrant her fathers time.

Zapx · 22/02/2025 05:16

“His reason is that he’s no interest in gymnastics so why would he go.”

Because she’s his daughter? You’re not asking him to attend some random event, she’s in it! He should 100% go.

Whycanineverthinkofone · 22/02/2025 05:22

This is sadly common.

many friends and acquaintances split hobbies down gender lines. Dad takes boy to football and boy things, mum takes girl to dance and girl things.

i think it’s sad. It shows how ingrained gender roles are, and how they’re reinforced.

tell him to go watch the gymnastics and stop being so sexist. Gymnastics is way better than football anyway. You sit in the warm indoors, there’s usually a cafe. He might learn something.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 22/02/2025 05:24

The sport is irrelevant. Spending time with his child and supporting her in her endeavours is what is important. Something similar happens in my household but I am very clear about where my priorities are; he does not have those same priorities. I have said that to him, we have talked about it, but now it’s on him. My kids know they are a priority to me and I have a good relationship with them. He suffers the consequences of his choices. Ideal for the kids? No. Some people just are a bit shit. Does it impact on our family life? Yes, but is only a small part of other things and a bigger picture of how that is playing out. Talk to him; and then figure out what kind of man you are married to and then decide what you do with that information/ how you live with that.

Sandysandwich · 22/02/2025 05:25

Thats a lame reason not to take an interedt in his childs life.
I can't think of anything more boring that football, its so dull and repetitive and I don't like standing around in the cold at all. But I do because my kid loves it, and I'm excited for him and I ask questions and pay attention and cheer and remember the other kids names so I can talk with him about it because it matters to him and he matters to me.

He should take an interest in what is important to his daughter, especially if he takes that interest in his son, before he misses his chance and she knows for sure that her dad doesn't care about her. She is even holding open a door asking him to still be part of her world and he is still ignoring it.

RawBloomers · 22/02/2025 05:38

YANBU but it sounds like you've told him and he doesn't give a shit. So there isn't much you can do about it other than to let your DD know that your DH is a selfish arsehole so she has a hook to hang her disappointment on that isn't about her not being good enough.

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 07:49

His reason is that he’s no interest in gymnastics so why would he go.

Her interpretation is that he’s no interest in her so why would he go.

Its not about HIM. It's about supporting and encouraging his daughter.

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/02/2025 07:59

If he doesn't understand that it's about supporting his daughter rather than enjoying the sport, then he's a moron and there's nothing you can do.

Sunat45degrees · 22/02/2025 08:08

I played for the D team in hockey.... my dad turned up to watch regularly. I was a terrible player but I often look back on those years and my parents' commitment to supporting me with a great deal of gratitude.

You have a massive dh problem. And I suspect the fact that this has gone on so long is a sign that really, this is the tip of the iceberg. It's clear you know it's not ok but for whatever reason you haven't been arguing and fighting about this for 10 years. So I wonder how controlling and abusive he is in other aspects of your lives.

SoozyWoozy5 · 22/02/2025 08:11

Your husband is a dick. Thats it really..

TickingAlongNicely · 22/02/2025 08:13

If I'm brutally honest... I don't like going to DDs rugby matches or training. I'm grateful that DH does as many as possible (which is good as he's the coach!) And I go when he can't. I go because she loves it. Thats more important than my feelings about cold damp muddy fields.

SheridansPortSalut · 22/02/2025 08:16

You're right.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

babyproblems · 22/02/2025 08:16

This was my FIL. Today my DH is a (retired) pro sportsman. FIL very proud. My SIL has never forgotten was a misogynist crap dad he was. She runs ultra marathons and is amazing. He gives her no support or praise. He rings DH every week to discuss the sport they like. Be very very careful. He’s going nowhere good with this behaviour. It says an awful lot about him to be honest..

Redpeach · 22/02/2025 08:20

Horrible man

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 22/02/2025 08:20

He doesn't have to be interested in gymnastics, he has to be interested in his daughter.

Cricket bores me to tears, but I have spent hours and hours watching my dc play. Quite nice in the summer. Less so in unheated sports halls in the winter!

Kitjo · 22/02/2025 08:31

Simple equation - if you don't invest in anything you get no return

roselilylavender · 22/02/2025 08:44

DD and DS both play football. I have absolutely no interest in football. DH loves it. When they both had Saturday fixtures, we alternated who went with each child so it was fair. Now one has a Saturday fixture and one a Sunday, DH goes to both of their games and, depending on what else is on that weekend and the weather, I will go too as I want to support my DC. By going on a regular basis, I have learned more about the game, can appreciate what is involved and sometimes manage an insightful question or comment. I still don't enjoy it - but I do enjoy seeing my DC do something they love, share their joy when they have done well, share their frustrations when they've had a bad day and see them develop and grow. I say this despite the fact that, due to a combination of it being half term and DH being away with work, I have spent between two and five hours on the side line every day of the past week other than Thursday, either in the freezing cold or the rain and have more to look forward to this weekend. Perhaps if your DH had bothered to attend some of your DD's comps he would have come to understand it and been able to derive joy from it.

jeaux90 · 22/02/2025 08:49

What an asshole

Drylogsonly · 22/02/2025 08:54

That’s rubbish! I have a DP who has no interest in DDs sport but shows up enough to disguise the fact! Not a sexist thing as DP is a woman, but DS plays same sort as DP so more of a natural affinity there.
Our DD also does dance which I have ZERO and I mean ZERO interest in. Find it boring as fuck! I haven’t missed a performance yet. It’s about supporting your child’s interests.
All anyone has to say is I love to see you perform, play, run, etc easy

SirDanielBrackley · 22/02/2025 08:56

Temporaryname158 · 22/02/2025 04:58

It’s not about his interest in gymnastics, it’s about his interest in his daughter and his sexism is loud and clear.

id tell him firmly to get his head out his arse and start supporting his daughter. I’d be very disappointed in him as a father and husband

I think it's more likely that (a) gymnastics is as boring as fuck and/or (b) he might feel uncomfortable being a bloke in a room full of young girls in leotards (or whatever they wear).

Having said that, I agree he should feign an interest simply on the grounds of good parenting.

Winterscoming77 · 22/02/2025 08:59

The football stuff is bad enough who only watches select games or if they’re not on the bench. That’s terrible. Then the gymnastics. What an absolute arse. My DH is the coach so does go to every game of our DS as do I to support I don’t have to be there. Our DD not sporty but into gigs so he’s driving 2.5 hours each way to a concert next week of someone who’s in the charts he’s never heard of but she loves and has bought him a jumper to wear. It’s just what dads do isn’t it?

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