UK or Australia

[ShouldIstayorgogogo]

Hi All,
This is a very tricky dilemma. I’ve been living overseas for fifteen years and am now living in Australia with my husband. I’ve suffered from some huge health issues (cancer) - I nearly died from related complications and ended up in the ICU (as well as the pandemic) over the last few years over here without the majority of my friends and family.
I’m slowly starting to recover from the health issues. It has really changed my life. I can’t do the job I did before. My level of fitness is low but I’ve been working on it. I’m trying new things and trying to move forwards.
However I still get very low because I miss my parents who are now late 70s and all of my friends back at ‘home’. I miss doing stuff with my family - sharing a meal etc. Having friends to go to the pub with. I have a couple of good friends here but it’s not the same.
My husband is lovely but very obsessive about hobbies and I feel alone a lot of the time because he’s always plugged into podcasts etc. I work fewer hours because physically I’m still recovering so I end up doing all of the housework.
I am able to travel a bit between the two places - but I never feel settled in one place. I think that’s just me though.

What would you do in my position? Am I being unreasonable to want to move home knowing it will probably wreck my marriage - he doesn’t want to move.

There’s so much truth in the saying there’s no place like home. After such awful life changing events you’re craving the love and attention of your family and friends. I’d come home if I was you.

How old are you?

Could you stay with family in the UK for a while and see how you feel after a few weeks?

@NotOnThe early 50s. So still have a good few years to work really.

@menopausalfart yes I’ve done that. The last two times I’ve visited I’ve extended my trip.

@Pippa12 yes that’s it. I’m concerned that I’m not going to spend any time with my parents. My mum is almost completely alone as my parents divorced - she’s a very difficult lady. We were estranged for a long time but are now in contact again.

Longer trips definitely a good idea. Grass not always greener but as someone who has lived in both countries. I get it. And you are still so young you have lots of options. Could you do it in your own financially back in uk?

What city in Australia? What city in the UK? I've met quite a few Aussies who have moved to London.

@NotOnThe I would stay with family in the short term. I still own a home in the UK which is rented out so it’s possible. Probably would have to be sensible with money but I am anyway so it would be ok. I don’t have expensive taste. I do like to travel - Europe is closer and it’s easy to travel cheaply.

I’d just like to feel settled.

I wouldn’t move in this scenario, but I do think you both need to talk about how you’re feeling lonely. Moving home won’t necessarily change that. I also had a life threatening illness, and physio several years later has really helped regain the fitness and strength I thought I’d lost. Turned out some of the surgeries had caused weaknesses that could be overcome. Might be worth a try?

@UrsulaBuffa I’m in Melbourne. UK I’m south east not too far from London.

@Relaxd yes I’m dealing with that. I’m having physio and I also have one more surgery to get through. So I guess I’m impatient!
Agreed I need to work on the loneliness issue.
I have a habit of chucking things in. I don’t want to fall into that trap again - although it’s what took me over seas in the first place and in that scenario it was the right decision. But if moving back loses me my marriage etc then it’s probably not a good idea. But I just get stuck in between in a sort of ‘limbo’.

Lived half my life in Oz and half in England. A lot to love about Oz but soooo prefer the UK. No worrying about ridiculous levels of UV, walking in woods with no tiger snakes or big spiders to watch out for, more doable weather, spring blossoms and red leaves of autumn, hop over to cities in Europe, Christmas is awesome in the UK, proper Christmas markets in Europe, the humour.... any humour(!!), easy distances to other cities, little village fetes, Panto!, loads of farms selling fresh veggies in an hour's radius, no burning from the seatbelt or horrific dry skin being in aircon for months (lived in NT and WA), not feeling sticky for half the year...

These are just my reasons. I know some people love Oz. That's fine too.
I really swithered, worried, panicked but took the jump and I love it.

Good luck to you.

Is your husband from the UK OP? What are his reasons for not wanting to move here, are they sensible, justifiable reasons, or is he the stick in the mud type, who was born in Aus and never travelled, so doesn't want to? Do you actually have a good relationship, only you saying that you feel lonely a lot of the time, doesn't seem to indicate this, or have you both drifted into a pattern of behaviour, which has resulted in your feeling alone, and if so, can you work on getting the feelings back?

If he doesn't have genuine reasons not to move, and you were to tell him you NEED to come back, would he still refuse, or would he think that your feelings were too important to ignore, and be willing to make the move for your sake? It sounds as if even after 15 years, you have more friends here in the UK than in Aus, if so, why is that? I would have expected you to have felt cut adrift for maybe 2 or 3 years after moving so far from home, but after 15, I would have thought that Aus would have become 'home', and it doesn't sound like it is.

One thing I would say though, is that as your parents are in their 70's now, I would be very wary of dithering over making this decision, as you would no doubt have serious regrets if you left it too late.

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice thanks for your reply.

My husband is Australian and quite well travelled. He moved overseas with me for work. I’ve lived in a number of places and have good mates from each place dotted all over the world. We lived out of the UK and Australia together - we moved here just before the pandemic and unfortunately I have had to deal with two seperate health issues both of which made me extremely unwell and not able to socialise. I’m working on that now. But my old friends are still the best if you see what I mean!

I think we’ve drifted into patterns of behaviour. He gets really obsessive over hobbies. Quite niche stuff and has built a community around this - I go along occasionally but it’s not really my thing unfortunately. But I’ve developed my own hobbies and am putting effort into this.

I don’t know… We have had trips away together but we’re not really having much fun anymore. But maybe that’s what cancer does to a long term relationship?

Thanks for responding to my questions OP.

You said 'We have had trips away together but we’re not really having much fun anymore. But maybe that’s what cancer does to a long term relationship?' I honestly don't think that this can be blamed on your illness, as I became disabled only a year after marrying my DH, he has to do so much for me, helps me to get dressed, gets all my meals, helps me wash when necessary, etc. We've now been married 28 years, and are still VERY happy together, in spite of the fact that I can't do nearly as much as he can. So it's not necessarily your illness, although possibly the way your DH has responded to it, which are two different things, if you see what I mean.

I think that sadly, many married couples drift apart over time, we all need our hobbies and separate interests, but it shouldn't be at the cost of our relationship, so it sounds to me like you need to have a serious conversation with your DH, and tell him that he's obsession with his hobbies, leaves you feeling lonely. If he brushes your feelings aside, then I'd be giving serious thought as to whether your marriage actually means as much to him now, or if it's just become a comfortable habit, and if it's a habit, it's clearly only keeping one of you happy, and that's not you. You may find that by developing your own hobbies that it fills the loneliness somewhat, but your comment about 'not really having much fun anymore', makes me think that perhaps you've lost interest in each other, and the relationship has run it's course.

One question you didn't answer is whether he has genuine reasons for now wanting to come back to the UK? I'd be interested to hear your answer to this.

For the love of God, stay in Australia. It will be the most expensive cure for homesickness you ever experience, and your husband, if you manage to force him to leave Aus, will never, ever forgive you.

From what I hear from older friends who live here your health care system is far better than the UK even though it is partially private. In the last year or so, one has had successful breast cancer treatment and her mum is having a hip op without the lengthy wait you'd get in the UK.
Another possibility is to do what other friends of mine do (admittedly retired) and spend 6 months in each country.
Look for new hobbies and ways to meet people (easier said than done sometimes I know). As an example in Perth there's a group of women who go for an early morning swim, there's another group for sunrise yoga
I'm sure there will be something similar depending on where you are...

Stay in Australia. But visit your parents

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice we do talk about everything. He doesn’t want to leave Australia for financial reasons which is pretty sensible. He’s also happy for me to travel home and spend time back in the UK. So that’s good.

I think he adapted and found hobbies because I was ill for a long time. Now I’m feeling a bit better and he’s staying in the same patterns.

I can understand why you want to move home but visiting home and being there permanently are very different. Maybe visit in January and you may think twice about wanting to move 🤣

Do you think if your relationship was a bit better and you had more friends you'd be happier where you are? Sounds like you've been through a lot and it's natural to miss your friends and family.

@nope2025 I think you are right. I think I’m menopausal and a bit fed up. If I go back to the UK I’ll be menopausal, fed up, working in some shit job and divorced…

@katscamel yes, they fixed me here and I still have more fixing to go. I think I can travel every year or so but it will have an impact on work and finances. My husband says it’s fine as long as we can pay the bills.

@Maddy70 thanks. I will.

All the logical arguments point to me staying here and trying to work on friendship groups etc. It’s the logical not emotional choice.

I just get very homesick - when I come home I slot right in. Have lots of fun with my friends. Catch up with everyone. And I would do that if I was at home. Here I don’t have anyone who wants to see a film with me. I meet a couple of friends for coffee and we get on - but deep down I’m not that interested in the conversation really. But I listen and am a good friend. It’s not like seeing my uni friends, or friends from home.
I just need to keep trying. Plus I can’t cope with extreme heat. I also really miss the history - when I come back I travel loads - read up on
the history and visit lots of castles etc etc!

You’ve had a life changing experience, but I wouldn’t burn my bridges. You say your mum is a difficult person and it sounds that you’ve had a period of not being in contact. She is still going to be a difficult person, in fact aging can magnify personality traits. I’d suggest longer trips to the UK. From a financial perspective, this should be the time to solidify superannuation (I don’t know about UK pension schemes). Do think carefully, if your marriage is still important to you ending it is a big step. I do know a couple of people who ended relationships because they wanted more - and greatly regret their action. It might help talking to someone to explore your feelings and help you to work out what you want.

OP unfortunately it’s the curse we all have living in a different country to where we were born and grow up.

From all forums, online groups etc no one is very feels settled and going ‘home’ is never that same. Ever though you visit often and very thing and everyone has moved on including culturally:

I would stay where you feel the things that make you happy can make you happiest - outdoor walks/visting friends etc.

The grass isn’t always greener and be careful your aren’t romanticising one country or another. Plus, all of you issues and problems will follow you.

@Rainingalldayonmyhead wise words. Thanks. Yes, I know. Most of my overseas friends who lived abroad have returned back to the UK as they’ve got older. It’s a tricky one. You don’t predict it when you are young and full of wanderlust!
Yes, the finances need shoring up especially after being so unwell.

@Frozensun yes, we didn’t talk for a number of years because she was abusive when I was growing up. My parents divorced when I was a teenager but it should have happened earlier. Even now she is extremely difficult - when I come back she tries to be nice and then ends up being horrible again. I’ve learnt now to walk away. She’s got untreated mental health issues as she’d never go to the Dr. I want to help her and I tried last time I came back but it always flares up. I spent several days helping her clear her spare room of stacks and stacks of books - she hordes and it was dangerously. After doing that she accused me of wanting her to die so I inherit her money! She’s best kept at arms length! I tried to help her with moving house to something more manageable as it was what she wanted again she went completely mental about it after I’d spent time on getting a valuation and a friend to come and discuss repairs with her. She won’t help herself and she won’t let others help. So I’m not going to discuss it anymore. But if I come home I would have to see more of her.

Hmmm - it goes around in my head a lot. It’s taking up mental time and energy. Which should be spent on other stuff.