UK or Australia

[ShouldIstayorgogogo]

Hi All,
This is a very tricky dilemma. I’ve been living overseas for fifteen years and am now living in Australia with my husband. I’ve suffered from some huge health issues (cancer) - I nearly died from related complications and ended up in the ICU (as well as the pandemic) over the last few years over here without the majority of my friends and family.
I’m slowly starting to recover from the health issues. It has really changed my life. I can’t do the job I did before. My level of fitness is low but I’ve been working on it. I’m trying new things and trying to move forwards.
However I still get very low because I miss my parents who are now late 70s and all of my friends back at ‘home’. I miss doing stuff with my family - sharing a meal etc. Having friends to go to the pub with. I have a couple of good friends here but it’s not the same.
My husband is lovely but very obsessive about hobbies and I feel alone a lot of the time because he’s always plugged into podcasts etc. I work fewer hours because physically I’m still recovering so I end up doing all of the housework.
I am able to travel a bit between the two places - but I never feel settled in one place. I think that’s just me though.

What would you do in my position? Am I being unreasonable to want to move home knowing it will probably wreck my marriage - he doesn’t want to move.

@iamnotalemon yrs agreed. The British never ending winter was why I left in the first place - that and a few other things!

Due to work I'm in different countries every few years do do understand what it's like when parents get older and we miss out on important life events of friends and family.
However, I personally find it difficult to be back for extended periods. I've done it twice but after 6 months/ a year I couldn't wait to 'escape' again. Of course it was great seeing old friends but it's also important to remember that they have their own commitments and lives and new friends do catching up as often as you'd like isn't always possible.
As we get older it is more difficult to meet people but all I'd say to that is just talk to people.... maybe that woman having coffee by herself in the cafe down the road...does she have a book with her that looks interesting? An English accent ... whatever. It may not lead to a conversation and forming of a lifelong friendship but it's a start.

I think in your position I'd hang on a bit longer..... the weather, healthcare system and lifestyle are all so much better.
And if you see an English woman talking to random people, it'll probably be me 😁

You’ve been gone 15 years . You would have changed and your friends would have changed too . Going for a holiday is completely different. If you can still go for a holiday every year I think that’s better . From all I hear the UK is not in good shape . Of course some spots better than others. Your mum won’t do your mental health any good . Stay in Australia.

@katscamel that’s a really valid point and one my husband always references. He knows exactly what I’m like. He always says I need to go home and get it out of my system and I always do.

He doesn’t seem to suffer from home sickness at all. He’s from a very rural background although did uni in a city and lots of travel so I do understand it. When I got a good job offer early in our relationship he moved countries for me. So it’s not that he’s completely inflexible - it’s just he knows it wouldn’t be a wise decision.

I need to manage my homesickness and having another surgery still hanging over me doesn’t help. It will be my eighth general in 15 years… I really hope it is the last one because it’s really taken it out of me.

It’s not that I can’t make friends it’s just that being so unwell has made me unreliable, unfit and quite low in myself. Then I go home and I feel happy again!

I’m building on it every day though so I will give it a bit longer.

Thanks to those that answered the thread. Very kind of you to answer and give advice.

I'd not want to get involved in the UK health system- it's appalling can you do extended trips but still have the health needs taken care of in Melbourne.

The UK and its healthcare system is not in a good place but I think you should come home

I think you need to be more proactive for your social life.
Put a Facebook message. Really fancy seeing X at the cinema. Anyone fancy joining?

If homesickness is that bad, I'm inclined to think that you would be better off coming back to the UK. It's all very well now saying that you can come back for holidays, but as you get older, you will start to find that long journey growing more and more arduous, and you really don't sound happy where you are. It sounds like your relationship doesn't fulfil you anymore, the weather is too hot for you, and only likely to get hotter with global warming, and the friendships that you have in Aus don't seem to really matter to you. All of these are BIG things in life, and life really is too short to spend months of every year wishing you were somewhere else. So while normally I wouldn't be in favour of breaking up a marriage, in this instance I do think that coming back is the right thing for YOU, and your DH then has the choice as to whether he comes too, or whether you separate. Good luck with whatever you decide.

@ShouldIstayorgogogo
This really resonates with me "Then I go home and I feel happy again!"

That's exactly how I feel. I was 'ok' in Oz. Higher salaries etc... but only in the UK I feel 'happy at home". You can't find it in a bottle, it's not within a pill, you can't do yoga and find inner peace to get this feeling ... there's only one way and you have one life.

I wish you well x

My DH is also Australian and like you, we've lived in several countries including the UK and Australia. We're now settled in the UK and we both love it - beautiful home, high earners so work part time with lots of time to relax and enjoy life, excellent quality of life. No regrets whatsoever.

@CatFitsSheSits Agreed. I only seem to stop feeling like this if I’m travelling. But I’m like it in both places - the curse of itchy feet!