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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Agoraphobia and Wedding

37 replies

Aquabi · 21/02/2025 16:09

If you had a sibling who is agoraphobic and struggling severely with their MH how would you feel if they were not able to pull themselves together to attend?

OP posts:
mintbug · 21/02/2025 16:09

I'd be disappointed but I'd understand.

DinoLil · 21/02/2025 16:10

If you had a sibling who was paralysed, bed bound and couldn't move, how would you feel if they couldn't 'pull themself together' to attend??

toomuchfaff · 21/02/2025 16:11

I'd encourage them to focus on their health, I'd not put undue pressure on them to attend, or to make promises they may not keep. I'd not expect them to say they were attending, I'd also leave open the door that even on the day they could come along to celebrate with us.

Arlanymor · 21/02/2025 16:13

I wouldn’t expect anyone with genuine agoraphobia to ‘pull themselves together” any more than I would expect someone with two broken legs to run a marathon. I hope they are getting some help because it’s a very debilitating condition. Is this a reverse? It’s really not hard to have a proper conversation about it, where the invitation is offered but there is no pressure or expectation applied.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 21/02/2025 16:13

Aquabi · 21/02/2025 16:09

If you had a sibling who is agoraphobic and struggling severely with their MH how would you feel if they were not able to pull themselves together to attend?

You really have zero understanding of MH issues . I would pull yourself together OP and set about educating yourself .

mintbug · 21/02/2025 16:14

Are you the agoraphobic sibling? Or is it your wedding?

toomuchfaff · 21/02/2025 16:14

Also concerned of the language "pull themselves together "

Not sure who is using that language but that's a major red flag that they don't have an iota of a clue what the effects of "agoraphobia and struggling severely with their MH" entails.

DinoLil · 21/02/2025 16:15

OP, just thought that you may be the sibling.

No one should expect anything from anyone who is unwell. End of. No 'pulling themselves together', no 'stiff upper lip', no 'just grin and bear it'.

If you have a chronic illness that means you're housebound, then that's the end of it imo.

ExtraOnions · 21/02/2025 16:15

I would feel sad for them, and try to arrange a video link for the ceremony.

Anewuser · 21/02/2025 16:15

You have agoraphobia and your sister has told you to pull yourself together.

Well, I’d tell her she can fuck right off.

myplace · 21/02/2025 16:16

I think OP is the agoraphobic and is asking for another perspective.

I would ask her if there was a way she wanted to join in or celebrate that she’d be comfortable with, that I could also accommodate without changing the vibe.

I wouldn’t organise my wedding around the needs of one person, in ways that stopped me enjoying it. But I’d do something extra that she could be a part of.

TrainTicket · 21/02/2025 16:18

I have had agoraphobia and didn’t leave the house for years, and there is no “pulling yourself together” when you are in the throes of it. It’s offensive that you even think it would be that simple. The battle is huge.

BeSharpBee · 21/02/2025 16:21

I would hope I'd be understanding of their condition and find a way to have them included some way that they'd be comfortable. A video link or recorded reading or toast to share on the day?

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 21/02/2025 16:25

I would set up a laptop and they could watch via Zoom (like I did for my sister who was pregnant and couldn't travel).

I suffer with Agoraphobia. It is managed better at the moment, but there is absolutely no way I would expect anyone genuinely suffering with it to go anywhere.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 16:26

Are you that sibling op?

DoYouReally · 21/02/2025 16:34

I don't know which sibling you are.

I take things on a best efforts basis.

If some has self diagnosed agoraphobia has never tried medication and counselling, I would probably hope they would try everything possible to try overcome it. It would mean a lot to me if they started engaging with services so that even if they didn't make the wedding, they wouldn't miss out on future events.

If a diagnosed and doing everything possible to seek help and improve things, I would completely understand.

To me, the level of effort would mean a lot.

That said, it's a big ask either way. I would really miss my sibling at a wedding but I would hope I would be compassionate enough to get over myself if it just wasn't possible for them to attend.

HawkersNorth · 21/02/2025 16:45

I would completely understand and respect their decision. I would also acknowledge them the b/g thank you speech. My sibling couldn't be here today in person but their presence is felt, something like that.

tillyandmilly · 21/02/2025 16:49

Agoraphobia is debilitating! Please have some compassion - it is a dreadful condition - experienced this after being in town and suddenly got dizzy spells - and I could not leave the flat for fear of another one - now with medication and exposure therapy I can now leave the flat

letslaughitoff · 21/02/2025 16:53

Buy them claire weekes book saved my life.
Also send youtube links for claire weeks talks.
I know how it feels its awful to live with.

Belgian025 · 21/02/2025 16:57

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 21/02/2025 16:13

You really have zero understanding of MH issues . I would pull yourself together OP and set about educating yourself .

Show quote history

It sounds like OP is more likely the agoraphobic one - no need to be so hostile when you don't even have all the facts.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 21/02/2025 17:26

Belgian025 · 21/02/2025 16:57

It sounds like OP is more likely the agoraphobic one - no need to be so hostile when you don't even have all the facts.

Show quote history

I didn't read the OP as being the one with severe MH issues , but if that's so I apologise OP . If it's a relative of yours expecting you to " pull yourself together " then feel free to forward my message to them ! .

Ponderingwindow · 21/02/2025 17:31

If I had a sibling with a medical issue, I would figure out how to plan a wedding that would accommodate that medical issue. Having my closest family attend my wedding is more important than any preconceived idea I might have about what a wedding looks like.

CommentHere · 21/02/2025 17:32

If only an agoraphobic person could pull themselves together to attend. That would end all MH issues if we could just do that!

Honestly, I would understand, I would ask the agoraphobic person if there was anything I could do to help, but accept whatever they decide. Perhaps they can attend the ceremony at the back of the room but not the reception, or they perhaps can't attend at all. Whatever suits is fine. I would also hate to be the cause of any additional stress for someone with MH issues.

AmeliaTangfastic · 21/02/2025 17:33

I'd understand although I would miss them

Uppitymuppity · 21/02/2025 17:34

Id offer them a link to watch it from the comfort of their own home. Acrophobia isn't a joke so I would completely understand, it's not something you can just pull yourself together from.