AIBU to expect my other half to take better care of our kitchen

[ChocolateDigestiv]

We are a family of 5, me 38, OH 38, DDs 11,4 and 3.

Our jobs are split that I take care of the washing, OH takes care of dishes and bins. Everything else we do together but I do take on the majority, I do the majority of the gardening, sorting bedrooms out, sorting wardrobe changes out, packing stuff away into storage, getting it out, I sort out majority of Christmases, birthdays. We both work full time. I also do all nursery runs. Grandparents do school run so OH does none of this. I do all the food shops, sort out all the bills which OH pays 50% of, I front all the big purchases. I've sorted out 90% of all aspects of childcare, including majority of days at home with children, had a huge effect on my career as I've had my first ever bad year end review with my time off and focus being mentioned as an issue, it's fair, I'm constantly picking up on the sick days and the mental workload of our family. I also pick up ALL of the extra costs, yes I get the child benefit but this barely covers the extras I pick up. He's bought nothing, not a bottle, packet of wipes, blanket, toy, baby grow, cardigan, honestly nothing for the new baby whatsoever. I've asked for support in at least selecting this, emg. Asked them to look into bottles, formula etc, which I would have bought, he didnt... Sorry, I'm now ranting...

I've had to take my maternity leave early as I've been exhausted, not coping with my two jobs, I also have little support on weekends from OH as they have work and a hobby. Due to my work he is sometimes left putting one of the younger ones to bed on his own, very rarely both of them if dinner has run late.

Today I've had all three at home with me for the first time as older one also on school holidays. It's been lovely, I'm definitely a "rather be a full-time parent" than a careerperson, but also been challenging, particular as 4yo is having behavioural issues requiring near constant monitoring. I've still done washing, made dinner with 11yo (their request btw!), organised activities to keep little ones occupied, been out food shopping with them.

OH has walked in to a side full of dishes, definitely relevant that there was already easily a sink full of dishes before OH went to work, the sides are very rarely completely cleared and even wiped by him and it is a bug bear of mine I admit. I have on multiple occasions suggested they empty the dishwasher before leaving for work so I can load into it to make it easier as dishes wouldn't build up. Position of the dishwasher makes it impossible for me to do this due to height and now even more so due to bump. They've not ever done this, his choice. Today I couldn't even scrape plates as both bins were full. In hindsight I absolutely could have emptied the bins and made this a bit easier for us both, I just didn't even think, I wasn't being stubborn, was focusing on our three children.

OH walks in making comments under breath about the amount of dishes then comes out with all time regular comment of "I'm not even here generating the dishes" along with "everyone should be tidying up after themselves". Another fairly recent addition about the fact that I have 8 hours extra a day now that I'm on maternity leave... OH even suggested I look at the dishes on the kitchen side to see for my self that barely any are theirs...

I feel really peed off. I said that I don't generate all the washing but I still do it as I'm a parent in this household and why regularly mention that they're not generating all of the dishes like they don't think they should contribute to cleaning up after their 3 children. OH said everyone should be clearing up after themselves - if I can't reach the dishwasher safely our 3 children definitely can't. OH actually means I should be doing it. Kitchen is by far the easiest of the two jobs - we both know this. More of a complete rant about feeling completely unappreciated but for completeness AIBU to think that a grown adult should realise that they have to pick up some kind of share of household duties in clearing up after their kids and not view it as it's not their own personal mess?

Bloody hell. YANBU, I hate this selfishness from men. Presumably all he sees is a load of mess that he knows is his job to clear up and he doesn't want to but boo fucking hoo eh. And it doesn't even sound like it was pristine when he left this morning.
You do too much.

I would be annoyed coming home from work and the worktop being covered with dishes. He might still be a lazy arsehole but in this case I can see why he's annoyed.

Did he want another baby?

He's an arse. You're pregnant and looking after 3 kids, anything you get done is a bonus. But I don't understand the positioning of the dishwasher that stops you or your 11yo emptying it?

YANBU I will guarantee that in his man head, he thinks that you’re off work so should therefore do everything.
there’s still an element of ‘women’s’ work in society and even if it’s not vocalised, its intimated in actions (or lack of in your OH case)
what a wanker, but I’ve got one just the same! Unfortunately nothing changes even when I tell him everything that I do.
I'm sorry for you, it’s really shit and it’s overwhelming.
I’d try telling him you feel exhausted by it all and that you feel he’s doing 10% and you’re going 90%, give him a list of things he can sort out to reduce your mental load, see how that goes.

I feel so sorry for the grandparents who have to get their grandchildren to school.

I agree, I took on school runs when we first got together, 11yo is my SD, she lived with us 50% of time. Grandparents took this back off of me after I'd had 3yo.

Thanks, I'll try this again.

So why are you doing a disproportionate amount of household gruntwork if you both work ft?

He sounds like a dick. I'm genuinely struggling to see what value he is adding to your daily life, as surely his child maintenance would cover the 50 percent of bills he is currently paying, and he does literally nothing else.

If he did go for shared custody rather than maintenance your life would still be a million times easier. Win win.

It's on a raised sideboard, when the door is open I can empty and reload bottom shelf, I can't reach top shelf with bump in way. Wouldn't feel remotely comfortable with 11yo doing it as if she leans on the open door the whole thing could come down off the shelf in and ontop of her. There's no other place it can go in our kitchen. Also, again because of bump, the slight lean over to wash a bowl of dishes is really painful, I'm feeling my age in this pregnancy, again could have washed a bowlful of dishes but have just not had the time, or would have not been able to get the washing done that I have done... Which he wouldn't have dreamed of helping me out with doing it later on this evening.

My apologies, you would need to empty the bins if you split up (you're already doing the dishes).

Meanwhile he would lose the primary carer for his children (including the one you've taken on as your own) and general housekeeper and life assistant.

Perhaps you should float the idea to him and see if he feels a bit more able to be an active participant in the family of 6 he has created.

Honestly it never is, it's clear when we have a row over it, maybe 2 or 3 times in last 3 months, it doesn't last a day, and I resent offering to help him with this job as he has watch me reached complete burn out and not once offered to help me out on a single occasion, let alone regularly, nevertheless I want a tidy home and I will happily load into the dishwasher if it's been emptied.

I know how he feels I worked from home before mat leave and have had to deal with a side full of dishes that he hasn't done every day...
No this was unplanned, though very, very much wanted by me and he's known this.

His work don't allow him flexibility to help with school or nursery runs.
As for the rest of it, I'm not sure... His own mum was a SAHM who keeps a lovely home and think he just expected this from me whilst also working a full-time and a part-time job.

He sounds awful.

I completely agree, again wasn't being stubborn, just preoccupied with everything going on. I don't know why I didn't empty the bins as it looked worse with food still being on plates from breakfast. In hindsight I should have just done a bowl of washing up it was simply time and the increased amount of monitoring that the 4yo has needed.

He sounds like a parasite who is really bad at arithmetic to me. How many hours does he think are magically in your day?
He wants everything all roads to suit himself and can’t even muster up a single fuck to give when you are heavily pregnant with his child and struggling.
The bloody dishwasher is the least of the issues here.

You would? even if your partner was pregnant, minding 3 children including a 3 year old and was off work for stress/sick??? you'd be a bit of an arse wouldn't you in that case?

OP, stop doing his laundry - after all everyone should be looking after themselves, right?

Also please please figure out how you can get back to work and back to performing well at work. You are going to need that job/career. What you just described is exactly why women on MN tell women to get married before they get pregnant and want to beat their heads against a wall when the reply is "oh we both have jobs and the house is shared" Having children disproportionately hits women's careers/jobs/bank balance. it is a fact no matter how many "well I had 5 children and am the bigger earner" stories we hear on this site. I put them with the "I got pregnant at 14 had my baby and it was the making of me I now have a phd and my own home and am a high earner"

I would never separate from him, I wouldn't want to raise my children with anyone else and wouldn't even want to not see my kids for one in every other weekend. Our good times are good and sadly the bad times are incredibly bad because we argue over silly things like bloody dishes which blows up disproportionately. I should just hire someone to come and sort out the position of the dishwasher.

Your poor kids, especially your 11 year old who isn’t his.

I said to him I wouldn't even dream of suggesting that I only need to do my own washing, it's infuriating that he isn't getting this point..

Thanks for career advice.

You know even if you split up you still co-parent. You still raise them together.

If you aren't willing to leave then I'm not sure what his incentive is to change really. His life sounds pretty sweet to me, you've made his life extremely easy. He barely lifts a finger! You've already made it obvious that the workload he's put on you is breaking you - he doesn't care enough to change to make life better for his heavily pregnant wife.

I think you need to stop doing so much for him and make him feel some pain. Hopefully that will make him appreciate how good he's had it.

He sounds like he sees it as women's work, but with respect that was clear when he got you to do the school runs for HIS daughter, long before you had children of your own. You still chose to have 3 children with him. I don't think his behaviour is acceptable but I also don't think it's likely to change at this point. He doesn't need to get your perspective because you've said you won't leave him, and at the moment he does what he likes without consequence. He's an arsehole but you enable it.

It is frustrating that he doesn't see this, there's so little time left just after prepping breakfast lunch dinner and 2 snacks and sitting down with them for breakfast and lunch. Then sitting on the floor with them whilst they're at they're table doing colouring etc doesn't feel like rest either but again 4yo needing a very close eye on him for now. Add in a good shop and sorting out two washloads, I've barely relaxed! I did have half an hour or so sat down on the sofa with a cup of tea whilst the kids were watching a film but I just love it, I love my children so much I feel privileged to have these days with them.

Thanks for the comment and advice.