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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my other half to take better care of our kitchen

36 replies

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 22:49

We are a family of 5, me 38, OH 38, DDs 11,4 and 3.

Our jobs are split that I take care of the washing, OH takes care of dishes and bins. Everything else we do together but I do take on the majority, I do the majority of the gardening, sorting bedrooms out, sorting wardrobe changes out, packing stuff away into storage, getting it out, I sort out majority of Christmases, birthdays. We both work full time. I also do all nursery runs. Grandparents do school run so OH does none of this. I do all the food shops, sort out all the bills which OH pays 50% of, I front all the big purchases. I've sorted out 90% of all aspects of childcare, including majority of days at home with children, had a huge effect on my career as I've had my first ever bad year end review with my time off and focus being mentioned as an issue, it's fair, I'm constantly picking up on the sick days and the mental workload of our family. I also pick up ALL of the extra costs, yes I get the child benefit but this barely covers the extras I pick up. He's bought nothing, not a bottle, packet of wipes, blanket, toy, baby grow, cardigan, honestly nothing for the new baby whatsoever. I've asked for support in at least selecting this, emg. Asked them to look into bottles, formula etc, which I would have bought, he didnt... Sorry, I'm now ranting...

I've had to take my maternity leave early as I've been exhausted, not coping with my two jobs, I also have little support on weekends from OH as they have work and a hobby. Due to my work he is sometimes left putting one of the younger ones to bed on his own, very rarely both of them if dinner has run late.

Today I've had all three at home with me for the first time as older one also on school holidays. It's been lovely, I'm definitely a "rather be a full-time parent" than a careerperson, but also been challenging, particular as 4yo is having behavioural issues requiring near constant monitoring. I've still done washing, made dinner with 11yo (their request btw!), organised activities to keep little ones occupied, been out food shopping with them.

OH has walked in to a side full of dishes, definitely relevant that there was already easily a sink full of dishes before OH went to work, the sides are very rarely completely cleared and even wiped by him and it is a bug bear of mine I admit. I have on multiple occasions suggested they empty the dishwasher before leaving for work so I can load into it to make it easier as dishes wouldn't build up. Position of the dishwasher makes it impossible for me to do this due to height and now even more so due to bump. They've not ever done this, his choice. Today I couldn't even scrape plates as both bins were full. In hindsight I absolutely could have emptied the bins and made this a bit easier for us both, I just didn't even think, I wasn't being stubborn, was focusing on our three children.

OH walks in making comments under breath about the amount of dishes then comes out with all time regular comment of "I'm not even here generating the dishes" along with "everyone should be tidying up after themselves". Another fairly recent addition about the fact that I have 8 hours extra a day now that I'm on maternity leave... OH even suggested I look at the dishes on the kitchen side to see for my self that barely any are theirs...

I feel really peed off. I said that I don't generate all the washing but I still do it as I'm a parent in this household and why regularly mention that they're not generating all of the dishes like they don't think they should contribute to cleaning up after their 3 children. OH said everyone should be clearing up after themselves - if I can't reach the dishwasher safely our 3 children definitely can't. OH actually means I should be doing it. Kitchen is by far the easiest of the two jobs - we both know this. More of a complete rant about feeling completely unappreciated but for completeness AIBU to think that a grown adult should realise that they have to pick up some kind of share of household duties in clearing up after their kids and not view it as it's not their own personal mess?

OP posts:
OldChairMan · 20/02/2025 23:58

name1234noidea · 20/02/2025 23:00

I would be annoyed coming home from work and the worktop being covered with dishes. He might still be a lazy arsehole but in this case I can see why he's annoyed.

Did he want another baby?

He impregnated his wife so he doesn't get an opt out that way,

Original poster
ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 00:02

RIPVPROG · 20/02/2025 23:56

He sounds like he sees it as women's work, but with respect that was clear when he got you to do the school runs for HIS daughter, long before you had children of your own. You still chose to have 3 children with him. I don't think his behaviour is acceptable but I also don't think it's likely to change at this point. He doesn't need to get your perspective because you've said you won't leave him, and at the moment he does what he likes without consequence. He's an arsehole but you enable it.

Yes I guess it's easy on these forums to point out the bad, the good times are still good so it's also that that makes me not want to leave him and the thought that we could go back to being as happy as were at the beginning. I fear this wouldn't be the case, I feel like I've become a nag and I'm constantly having the worst in me brought out.

OP posts:
RIPVPROG · 21/02/2025 00:08

ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 00:02

Yes I guess it's easy on these forums to point out the bad, the good times are still good so it's also that that makes me not want to leave him and the thought that we could go back to being as happy as were at the beginning. I fear this wouldn't be the case, I feel like I've become a nag and I'm constantly having the worst in me brought out.

Show quote history

You've fallen into the trap of clinging on to potential. We've all been there, it's lovely at first and there might be a few niggly things but they're minor and he's brilliant in other ways. The thing is they tend to get worse not better, throw some kids in the mix and the little things become important and about a lack of care/respect/partnership. You stay because you remember what it was like and what you hoped it could be, but you need to make decisions based on the reality not the possibility.
If he knows that you would never separate and he doesn't support and care for you at one of the hardest times (late pregnancy with other DC to care for) , he's got absolutely no motivation to change, because he's content with things as they are and doesn't respect you enough to prioritise the impact it's having on you.
Maybe a very serious conversation, where you do raise the seriousness of how he's treating you and the possibility of a life separately, might make him realise what he's got to lose, but it might not.

Original poster
ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 00:23

RIPVPROG · 21/02/2025 00:08

You've fallen into the trap of clinging on to potential. We've all been there, it's lovely at first and there might be a few niggly things but they're minor and he's brilliant in other ways. The thing is they tend to get worse not better, throw some kids in the mix and the little things become important and about a lack of care/respect/partnership. You stay because you remember what it was like and what you hoped it could be, but you need to make decisions based on the reality not the possibility.
If he knows that you would never separate and he doesn't support and care for you at one of the hardest times (late pregnancy with other DC to care for) , he's got absolutely no motivation to change, because he's content with things as they are and doesn't respect you enough to prioritise the impact it's having on you.
Maybe a very serious conversation, where you do raise the seriousness of how he's treating you and the possibility of a life separately, might make him realise what he's got to lose, but it might not.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
TagSplashMaverick · 21/02/2025 00:40

I hate it when women have fallen prey to men’s misogyny and are ashamed of being a ‘nag’. It’s a horrible, derogatory, sexist name, given to women by men. It’s bullshit. Women stating their needs over and over because they’re being ignored by the men in their lives aren’t nags. They’re being failed by the men who don’t give a shit about their them and don’t bother to listen.

soarklyknobs · 21/02/2025 08:40

You're the nanny with the fanny, but you also have a full time job and contribute financially as well.

I can see why he wants you around, but why do you want him?

You say this pregnancy was a surprise, has he not got the snip after 4 DC that he's not interested in caring for (& washing up and creating a clean and hygienic environment for your DC to live in is very much a part of parenting)?

Is he trying to keep you at home continuously pregnant and raising his DC so he doesn't have to? Whilst also expecting you to bring in an income from working?

Maray1967 · 21/02/2025 08:53

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:36

His work don't allow him flexibility to help with school or nursery runs.
As for the rest of it, I'm not sure... His own mum was a SAHM who keeps a lovely home and think he just expected this from me whilst also working a full-time and a part-time job.

Show quote history

Men like this need it spelling out. ‘You seem to think I’ll do the housework like your mum does. Reminder - your mum does not do paid work. So, if I have to wash dishes, then I will. But you will be doing your own laundry.’

And start from today. Leave his stuff in the basket. When it mounts up, put it in a bin liner and ram it in his side of the wardrobe. Stay cheerful and smiling and calm. You will be surprised at how much time not doing his laundry saves…

Original poster
ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 09:47

TagSplashMaverick · 21/02/2025 00:40

I hate it when women have fallen prey to men’s misogyny and are ashamed of being a ‘nag’. It’s a horrible, derogatory, sexist name, given to women by men. It’s bullshit. Women stating their needs over and over because they’re being ignored by the men in their lives aren’t nags. They’re being failed by the men who don’t give a shit about their them and don’t bother to listen.

I see what you mean, I never would have thought I'd become a "nag", I don't really feel like I even ask a lot of him. For the last two years I've worked longer days / hours than him and I've never in that whole time even sat down to eat a sandwich and watch TV on my "lunch". I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 09:59

soarklyknobs · 21/02/2025 08:40

You're the nanny with the fanny, but you also have a full time job and contribute financially as well.

I can see why he wants you around, but why do you want him?

You say this pregnancy was a surprise, has he not got the snip after 4 DC that he's not interested in caring for (& washing up and creating a clean and hygienic environment for your DC to live in is very much a part of parenting)?

Is he trying to keep you at home continuously pregnant and raising his DC so he doesn't have to? Whilst also expecting you to bring in an income from working?

The snip is coming! He didn't want it and thought he could be careful, I've always said to him I wanted more so wouldn't be trying to prevent it. There's been no "foul play" if you like on my side. Also due to my own medical issues I'm not allowed anything hormonal.

He's been away on various training courses, stags abroad and lads holidays and I never struggle with keeping a nice home when he's not here. He's not a messy person but without him here of course I do just get on with it. It feels so unfair that if I want the nice home I have to take on even more.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 21/02/2025 10:05

Actions speak louder than words. Stop doing his laundry or covering his back in terms of organisation. Get a cleaner/ mother’s help. Start training the DC to be more independent. Don’t do a physical shop, order it online to be delivered at a time that he is in. Take yourself off to bed for regular naps, you are pregnant!
If you keep saying that you can’t cope, but then do cope, he’s going to take advantage of that. So stop coping with everything and build in some time for yourself,book in yoga or something a few times a week.
He doesn’t sound very nice or caring tbh, so you’ll have to be nice to yourself.

soarklyknobs · 21/02/2025 13:11

So if he goes away with work and "the lads" 🙄 and on stage dos; do you go away often too?

How does he cope when you're not there? Do you come home to mess or a clean and tidy home?

Or, let me guess, you don't get to go on holidays without your DC.

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