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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be friends with someone who bullied you at school?

54 replies

Wantanotherpizza · 20/02/2025 10:40

We're mid 30s now and occasionally see her at events etc. But sometimes wish I'd told her where to go a while ago.
I know kids can be cruel and people can change. At school I had crooked teeth before my braces and she'd say things like 'you'd be pretty if only you fixed your teeth'.
Or she'd make jibes about my acne. She was annoyed for some reason or another so decided to rip up a piece of my A-Level work.

I'd walk to school with her and she'd be moody and cold with me for no apparent reason then nice with everyone at school.
She didn't like me hanging out with a friend of hers who id met, threatened to stop speaking to me if I hung out with her again and then when I did, they started hanging out as a group and never invited me.

Would join in with other bullies in school and laugh at what they said about me. I remember her once asking a lad who was prettier out of me or her, he said both to be polite probably, then she pushed and pushed him until he said her.
Accused me once of flirting with the guy she liked when drunk and physically shoved me even though I hadn't flirted with him and wouldn't.
Could be nicer when we were alone but would act cold with me around another girl she wanted to impress.
Would berate me for eating a dessert etc. Then whine about how it was unfair I was slimmer than her.
Just all sorts of stuff like this. I had low self esteem so put up with it and clung onto her. Once we reached early 20s she got better, but was rude to me when drunk about 6 years ago. Sometimes I think to myself why did I not confront her years ago? I got an apology once for the moodiness but nothing else.
She could be really nice a lot of the time and we had fun, but I suppose anyone can be nice when they want to be.

She would never try that now as an adult and I'd feel way more able to call her out if she did. Would you associate with her still? She's part of the main friendship group so it's more like baby showers etc.

OP posts:
AllTheChaos · 20/02/2025 10:41

Why in earth do you still have anything to do with her? I would avoid like the plague

FannyBawz · 20/02/2025 10:42

Why do you want to be friend with such a twat?

in my experience bullies only get better at it as they get older

AllTheChaos · 20/02/2025 10:43

Also, surely she is just part of your old friendship group from school? Do you not have new friendship groups now, eg from Uni, work etc? Have you stayed in your home town? If so, surely there are other people there to spend time with?

EternalSunshine19 · 20/02/2025 10:44

No i wouldn't. I don't forgive or forget, and this bully hasn't even said sorry to you.

Original poster
Wantanotherpizza · 20/02/2025 10:44

She has been a lot better since adulthood. She is part of a school group yes but tbf they have drifted a lot and it's a case of every few years now. Fortunately I have met new people

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 20/02/2025 10:46

No. I wouldn't give her headspace or energy.

Abi86 · 20/02/2025 10:46

No.

HelenCurlyBrown · 20/02/2025 10:46

It depends on if I liked her now or not. We’re not the same as we were when we were teenagers.

CreationNat1on · 20/02/2025 10:46

Slow fade, forget about her.

She was probably mimicking behaviour she was exposed to. She was muddling through in her own way, but regardless, not your problem. Slow disengagement.

bombastix · 20/02/2025 10:47

The great myth is that people change very much in their mentality from their mid teens.

Actually they don't. She's the same as she's ever been, and no, you shouldn't bother with her. She sounds vile

Mulledjuice · 20/02/2025 10:48

You sound a little bit as though you want to be friends with her so you can either prove that youre worthy of her approval, or so you can confront her. Neither of those is healthy. Don't let her live in your head rent-free. Focus on your best life.

pimplebum · 20/02/2025 10:48

She should be mega embarrassed of herself

take the high road and have nothing to do with her

best revenge is life well lived

Butchyrestingface · 20/02/2025 10:49

HelenCurlyBrown · 20/02/2025 10:46

It depends on if I liked her now or not. We’re not the same as we were when we were teenagers.

That's what I was thinking. Do you like the person she is/seems to be now?

It sounds like you were frenemies with her at school and she was a pretty shit/bullying friend. Do you know what her homelife was like at the time?

I'd be superficially polite on occasions when you come across her but no need to be friends with her (or indeed, anyone) if you don't feel like it.

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 10:51

I’d be asking myself why exactly I’d clung to a relationship with someone who was routinely unpleasant to you for as long as you did. You’re clearly simmering with unexpressed resentment over it, but I think it’s yourself you’re annoyed with. What do you actually want to do now, given that you can’t forcibly elicit an apology, or control anyone’s actions other than your own?

thatone · 20/02/2025 10:51

I voted YABU because I don't think you should still be friends with someone who hurt you so much deliberately.

Badbadbunny · 20/02/2025 10:54

Nope, I wouldn't even piss on any of my school bullies if they were on fire. Bullying absolutely wrecked my teenage years and my education. I won't give any of them the time of day. A couple who I'd never seen for years, tried to "friend" me on Facebook and I was delighted to tell them to F-Off with the reasons why!!

The few who were actually kind and nice and friendly are the ones I've been friendly with in adult life. They stood out. I've worked with a couple of them, given them a lot of business/referrals etc on the strength of me knowing their true self of being kind. When you're being mercilessly bullied, the odd act of kindness, especially from people you don't really know, makes a massive impact on you and is never forgotten.

Chuchoter · 20/02/2025 10:54

It reads to me that inside you feel inadequate and that even years later you would love to have her approval and would only get that by being friends with her.

Quite the opposite would happen as she would despise you for accepting her putting you down and would see you as a weak person who she can inflict nasty comments on to appease her own self worth.

Cut her dead. She is NOTHING to you.

deeahgwitch · 20/02/2025 11:00

Chuchoter · 20/02/2025 10:54

It reads to me that inside you feel inadequate and that even years later you would love to have her approval and would only get that by being friends with her.

Quite the opposite would happen as she would despise you for accepting her putting you down and would see you as a weak person who she can inflict nasty comments on to appease her own self worth.

Cut her dead. She is NOTHING to you.

This 💯

User452023 · 20/02/2025 11:02

No.. She hasn't changed. She's probably got better at hiding her bitchy behavior though because she's burned too many bridges. You've shown all along that you're a friend and she took your kindness for weakness. I'd say stay away from people like her. You don't need her as a friend. You need people in your life who are consistently respectful and sincere which she has shown she is not..

User452023 · 20/02/2025 11:13

And I'd like to add that even as children we do know right from wrong. She would have known that she was being mean and unkind but didn't care. She has not changed because she's been rude to you as an adult. It sounds like she was very jealous of you in your teenage years. Never hold onto any 'friend' who continually disrespects you or turns abusive. Thy're showing you they don't really care about you but know that you're such a nice person you will keep putting up with their nonsense.

Bertielong3 · 20/02/2025 11:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Didimum · 20/02/2025 11:17

Yes I would. Kids who bully most often tend to be pretty sad children who have something going on that they are receiving no help or support for. If they achieve decent behaviour as adults then I would not black list them for life.

ButterCrackers · 20/02/2025 11:19

Keep distance. She is not your friend.

Original poster
Wantanotherpizza · 20/02/2025 11:19

Thanks for all replies. Seemed like she had a good childhood, she lived a few doors down, I know her parents and they were nice people and earned well, but obviously I can't know for sure

OP posts:
CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 11:21

Chuchoter · 20/02/2025 10:54

It reads to me that inside you feel inadequate and that even years later you would love to have her approval and would only get that by being friends with her.

Quite the opposite would happen as she would despise you for accepting her putting you down and would see you as a weak person who she can inflict nasty comments on to appease her own self worth.

Cut her dead. She is NOTHING to you.

Yes, this. It sounds as if you’re still at some level hoping for her validation.