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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be friends with someone who bullied you at school?

54 replies

Wantanotherpizza · 20/02/2025 10:40

We're mid 30s now and occasionally see her at events etc. But sometimes wish I'd told her where to go a while ago.
I know kids can be cruel and people can change. At school I had crooked teeth before my braces and she'd say things like 'you'd be pretty if only you fixed your teeth'.
Or she'd make jibes about my acne. She was annoyed for some reason or another so decided to rip up a piece of my A-Level work.

I'd walk to school with her and she'd be moody and cold with me for no apparent reason then nice with everyone at school.
She didn't like me hanging out with a friend of hers who id met, threatened to stop speaking to me if I hung out with her again and then when I did, they started hanging out as a group and never invited me.

Would join in with other bullies in school and laugh at what they said about me. I remember her once asking a lad who was prettier out of me or her, he said both to be polite probably, then she pushed and pushed him until he said her.
Accused me once of flirting with the guy she liked when drunk and physically shoved me even though I hadn't flirted with him and wouldn't.
Could be nicer when we were alone but would act cold with me around another girl she wanted to impress.
Would berate me for eating a dessert etc. Then whine about how it was unfair I was slimmer than her.
Just all sorts of stuff like this. I had low self esteem so put up with it and clung onto her. Once we reached early 20s she got better, but was rude to me when drunk about 6 years ago. Sometimes I think to myself why did I not confront her years ago? I got an apology once for the moodiness but nothing else.
She could be really nice a lot of the time and we had fun, but I suppose anyone can be nice when they want to be.

She would never try that now as an adult and I'd feel way more able to call her out if she did. Would you associate with her still? She's part of the main friendship group so it's more like baby showers etc.

OP posts:
CherryVanillaPie · 20/02/2025 11:22

No I wouldn't.

ThatUniqueKoala · 20/02/2025 11:23

Absolutely not. I'd run over my school bullies if given the opportunity.

Diningtableornot · 20/02/2025 11:25

It is possible to grow out this kind of bullying behaviour. If the only sign you see of it now is when she's been drinking, and you enjoy her company the rest of the time, why not refuse to go drinking with her but still be friends?

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 20/02/2025 11:27

Sounds like a frenemy rather than a bully from what you've described. No I wouldn't hang out with her.

RaveToTheGrave1 · 20/02/2025 11:28

Nope, I've had them try to add me on Facebook and sent a message asking why they think I would want to be friends now 😂

Barleysugar86 · 20/02/2025 11:29

I think I'd forgive and forget, but any repeats as an adult would have me cutting them out.

I think back to my teenage years and I can't understand why I made some of the decisions I did. I wasn't a bully but I did things I now see as unkind - like writing a 'love note' to a friend from a boy in our class- and as an adult I'm mortified but I truely never thought it was hurtful or could be hurtful in the moment. I was bullied at various times of my school career but I don't hold a grudge. I think several of them have grown into quite decent people from what I can see on facebook and I would be willing to take them as they are now. I feel a long way from the teenager I once was.

If it makes you uncomfortable though, that's ok too. You don't owe anyone anything.

Hoppinggreen · 20/02/2025 11:29

God no, I won't even add my Primary school bullies on FB when they request it

Original poster
Wantanotherpizza · 20/02/2025 11:29

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 20/02/2025 11:27

Sounds like a frenemy rather than a bully from what you've described. No I wouldn't hang out with her.

What would you say the difference is?

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 20/02/2025 11:30

No. People don't change that much, just learn to hide it. I'd refuse anything to do with her and tell her and everyone else why.

Original poster
Wantanotherpizza · 20/02/2025 11:30

I could avoid her if she's drunk but that would mean avoiding all weddings, baby showers and so on..

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 20/02/2025 11:31

Nope, never.

procrastinatorgator · 20/02/2025 11:33

I was bullied in primary school by a girl who was really horrible to me. I remember thinking about it for years afterwards. When I was at university I took a Christmas temp job in a book store and she came in and asked if we had any baby books. I directed her to the baby books section and it turns out that she wanted parenting books. She was really rude and unpleasant again. A few years later I worked for an NGO and she started volunteering there. I don't know if she didn't recognise me, or if age/motherhood had changed her, but when she came in she was absolutely lovely. Very sweet and seemed so genuine. I never mentioned knowing her before and she didn't mention it either but we got on very well while she was there and became quite companionable. I doubt she didn't recognise me as it wasn't many years after the bookstore incident, but she was like a different person and it was impossible to be angry with her for who she used to be. I moved away after that and we lost contact but I'm glad I had that period being friends with her. It took away the negative feelings I had about a really upsetting childhood experience and was healthy for me in the long run.

Chuchoter · 20/02/2025 11:34

In some ways it's a bit like Stockholm syndrome.

Hostages and victims can develop a psychological bond with their captors or abusers, a condition known as Stockholm syndrome. This can happen when someone experiences extreme stress and fear.

Symptoms of Stockholm syndrome:

•	Feeling affection for or attachment to the abuser 
•	Trying to help the abuser 
•	Distrusting or being angry with people who try to help the victim 
•	Rationalizing the abuse 
•	Feeling powerless 
•	Denying or downplaying the abuse 
•	Believing that the situation isn't as bad as others think

Effects of Stockholm syndrome: Having trouble leaving a dangerous situation and Developing low self-esteem.

How Stockholm syndrome develops
Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism that victims use to survive trauma or abuse. It's closely linked to other psychological conditions, such as trauma bonding, learned helplessness, and battered person syndrome.

AirthatIbreathe · 20/02/2025 11:35

In this case most definitely not!

When I was in my 20s a woman who'd bullied me at primary school got in touch via fb, apologised a LOT and we chatted and ended up being fb friends, had the odd 'how're you whsts going on' types of msg. Her sister was my friend. That sort of friendship, yes, and as she's apologised, if we did end up in the same circles I'd be fine with it. But it seems that in your case there's been no remorse shown and it continued while older, when she should've known better. Would definitely be a no.

sunshineandshowers40 · 20/02/2025 17:44

No, I would not!

Gonewiththesun · 20/02/2025 17:48

No, I couldn't personally. There are loads of people to be friends with, I wouldn't feel I needed one that used to bully. People change, but memories don't.

MyLimeGuide · 20/02/2025 17:50

AllTheChaos · 20/02/2025 10:41

Why in earth do you still have anything to do with her? I would avoid like the plague

This is exactly what I was going to say!! It's not like you are short of humans to choose from!!! 😂

Clarice99 · 20/02/2025 17:54

It sounds as though you want to be friends with her. If that's the case, carry on, but don't be surprised if she turns on you again.

FWIW, I wouldn't be friends with any of my school bullies. Hateful bastards. I don't give them headspace now, but I couldn't ever forgive the physical violence I endured.

Wishingplenty · 20/02/2025 17:58

Thing is I had a friend at school that was badly bullied. Going into adulthood and now as a mid 40's woman she has always seeked out the "approval" of the mean girl. She was and still is unable to sustain friendships with any other type of person, tossing genuine friendships aside in favour of horrid women. Could you perhaps feel you are only worthy of this type of character in your life? If so counselling may be of help to you.

VikingLady · 20/02/2025 18:20

Badbadbunny · 20/02/2025 10:54

Nope, I wouldn't even piss on any of my school bullies if they were on fire. Bullying absolutely wrecked my teenage years and my education. I won't give any of them the time of day. A couple who I'd never seen for years, tried to "friend" me on Facebook and I was delighted to tell them to F-Off with the reasons why!!

The few who were actually kind and nice and friendly are the ones I've been friendly with in adult life. They stood out. I've worked with a couple of them, given them a lot of business/referrals etc on the strength of me knowing their true self of being kind. When you're being mercilessly bullied, the odd act of kindness, especially from people you don't really know, makes a massive impact on you and is never forgotten.

I would definitely piss on my old bullies if they were on fire. It's a perfect excuse. But I'd aim away from the flames.

CalmBlueCritic · 20/02/2025 18:37

Never.

sageGreen81 · 20/02/2025 18:41

Never ever ever!!!!!! One of my bullies came up on Facebook as someone I might know, fucking traumatic.

Sassybooklover · 20/02/2025 18:45

No. I wouldn't have maintained any kind of friendship with her once I'd left school. She clearly is jealous of you for whatever reason that may be. She can be nice but ultimately she's not really a friend. I certainly wouldn't be friends with her now you're both adults. Distance yourself from her. Group events, you can't help but see her, but I wouldn't engage on a 1:1 level at all, other than polite chit chat. As for seeing her on her own, nope, end it.

funinthesun19 · 20/02/2025 18:54

I don’t think bullies truly change. I think they just turn in to the adult version of themselves.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/02/2025 18:57

I wouldn't be friends with her. I could be civil around her if it benefitted me socially to do that.

You don't know what the heck was going on for her back then. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a family from the outside. She could have been having a terrible time. But that is not your issue - if she wanted to explain or apologise then that would be another matter, but until she does, don't let her in.

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