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Original poster

Solo train men with no awareness

33 replies

Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:18

I am probably being unreasonable as it is about public transport where you sometimes see an awful lack of manners, but this really stuck out today.
I was catching a train (no reserved seats but not that busy) with my child and we managed to get a table seat- great for playing card games or a bit of drawing on the journey, but feels a luxury for us 2. A mum with 4 kids got on and was desperately trying to seat them all together or as close as possible. It wasn't possible, so I looked around to see if we could help. Me and my DS pick up all our stuff and move to 2 other seats so she can get her kids sat down in a 4 (1 on her knee), which I didn't mind at all- DS was happy to be doing the right thing etc. As we were moving, I noticed a couple of the tables she had tried and not been able to use were only occupied by solo men with legs spread wide and bag on seat etc and even though neither had headphones on/ in, they had let the woman and kids struggle or just been oblivious of the situation somehow even when I was moving all our stuff around.
Anyway, if you've read this far, you may be thinking, like me that it wasn't surprising, but I still can't grasp why this happens!

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 19/02/2025 22:23

That's not a "man" thing.
I travel by train regularly. Women do it too.

BashfulClam · 19/02/2025 22:27

I zone out and don’t pay attention to folk around me. I wouldn’t have noticed all the faffing about. Why couldn’t she ask one of the ‘solo men’ if they’d move their bag etc?

Original poster
Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:27

I also travel regularly by train and maybe should have said people rather than men but they were men so I said men.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 19/02/2025 22:28

As @BashfulClam said - a lot of people just zone out and aren't really interested in what is going on around them.

Original poster
Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:30

BashfulClam · 19/02/2025 22:27

I zone out and don’t pay attention to folk around me. I wouldn’t have noticed all the faffing about. Why couldn’t she ask one of the ‘solo men’ if they’d move their bag etc?

Yeah, maybe you're right, but if I am taking up a seat with a bag, I always think I'll move it if anyone needs the seat and wouldn't just chill out taking up that space without considering others. It doesn't take much to think about other people's needs if you're sharing a space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:34

Needmorelego · 19/02/2025 22:28

As @BashfulClam said - a lot of people just zone out and aren't really interested in what is going on around them.

I don't pay much attention to the majority of train stuff but I have an awareness if a woman is nearby with 4 kids needing a seat.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 19/02/2025 22:34

Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:30

Yeah, maybe you're right, but if I am taking up a seat with a bag, I always think I'll move it if anyone needs the seat and wouldn't just chill out taking up that space without considering others. It doesn't take much to think about other people's needs if you're sharing a space.

Show quote history

I don’t put my bag on a seat as it’s rude. I
Keep it in my lap but I have ADHD and after a day of masking and being overwhelmed in the station etc my mind will shut out the outside. I am basically in my own world. However, if I get on the train and there is a bag in a seat I will ask the owner to move it.

thrifty24 · 19/02/2025 22:37

Was it a train with seat reservations?

Original poster
Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:38

BashfulClam · 19/02/2025 22:34

I don’t put my bag on a seat as it’s rude. I
Keep it in my lap but I have ADHD and after a day of masking and being overwhelmed in the station etc my mind will shut out the outside. I am basically in my own world. However, if I get on the train and there is a bag in a seat I will ask the owner to move it.

Show quote history

I would instinctively put it on my lap at the stop when more people were getting on, but not feel the need to store it overhead or keep a seat free between stops if everyone is seated. That's the point I was making. I wouldn't expect someone to even have to ask me as I'm aware of others and their needs. My DS is autistic and he usually zones it all out but picked up on it too.

OP posts:
thrifty24 · 19/02/2025 22:41

Sorry skim read I see there were no seat reservations. I agree that although polite to offer the 4 seat table many will have zoned out / got comfortable themselves. I'll often close my eyes and have in my headphones so it's possible the other people weren't aware the mum was struggling to find a table or I might think they are trying to navigate their way into their reserved seats (some trains have reserved and unreserved seats) so unless asked I wouldn't think to move and I'm pretty empathetic and would move if asked unless they were being rude then I would invoke my I'm here first rule

Original poster
Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:41

I guess there are reasons they picked a table on their own rather than multiple other spaces not too close to others. They might not have been selfish.

OP posts:
ThisBlueDeer · 19/02/2025 22:44

Honestly I’ve done both - offered to move so a group of 4 could sit together but also turned up early and sat at a table for 4 and hoped no one would sit next to me! I don’t put a bag on a seat tho but I like a table seat. The nature of public transport is there are other people on it, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not giving up your seat.

RawBloomers · 19/02/2025 22:58

I think a lot of people on public transport, especially when they are traveling on their own, just zone out. You need to ask if you want people to move for you. I have found that there are a few arseholes, but the vast majority of people will make space and will even move it doesn't mean getting a "worse" seat.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2025 17:16

I know what you mean OP. I think women IN GENERAL are more likely than men IN GENERAL to have a constant awareness of the needs of others around them. Men IN GENERAL have been socialised to think they don’t need to, and women to think that they do.

I know exactly the situation you describe, and it’s usually men who spread out all over a table as thought it’s their private office. People don’t seem to want to ask them to move up, and they don’t tend to volunteer.

Speaking for myself, I tend to go for the smallest space that will meet my needs (eg I love to find a single seat by itself when I’m alone) so that I know I won’t have to move.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 10/08/2025 17:19

Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:41

I guess there are reasons they picked a table on their own rather than multiple other spaces not too close to others. They might not have been selfish.

Perhaps they wanted to use the table, just an idea.

AzurePanda · 10/08/2025 17:20

It’s amazing how many people “zone out” when the alternative would be to act with consideration and awareness of your fellow travellers at a small cost to yourself.

I don’t suppose there’s quite so much zoning out in a situation where by not paying attention you might yourself end up inconvenienced.

Teajenny7 · 12/08/2025 19:40

Needmorelego · 19/02/2025 22:23

That's not a "man" thing.
I travel by train regularly. Women do it too.

Agree

BrickBiscuit · 13/08/2025 15:23

Been reading another ‘rude on trains’ thread, and this one was flagged up. I have asked the guard to announce ‘bags off seats’ when they had not done so but needed to (I don’t use Twitter but understand you can have real-time requests relayed to the train staff to do the same). I have also asked - not really asking - ‘Is that seat free?’ and then given it to somebody else when the bag moves. More direct people have said ‘Can you move that bag yourself or do you want me to?’

Katemax82 · 13/08/2025 15:42

thrifty24 · 19/02/2025 22:37

Was it a train with seat reservations?

Op said it wasn't...

easylikeasundaymorn · 13/08/2025 17:44

Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:41

I guess there are reasons they picked a table on their own rather than multiple other spaces not too close to others. They might not have been selfish.

Well yeah. If at the point they got on the train was quiet it would have been really weird and creepy for them to squeeze in next to one of the only other people there on a 2 person seat!

If I have a long journey and it's quiet when I get on, I choose a seat to myself AND put my bag on the seat next to me rather than on the dirty floor, particularly if I'm working. If the train then gets busy to the point new people coming on would have to stand, of course I then move it pre-emptively at the next stop, but from what you've said the train wasn't busy, and there were other seats available, so no, I wouldn't be keeping an eye out incase somebody might prefer my exact table.

"It doesn't take much to think about other people's needs if you're sharing a space."
It also doesn't take much to use your words and say 'Excuse me, can you move your bag so my kids can sit here please?" She can't have been that "desperate" if she couldn't say a short sentence.

You sound like a complete martyr, with your ostentatious moving "all" your stuff (why didn't you put it in the rack as you're supposed to if you had that much luggage?), DS smugly "happy to be doing the right thing," and counting a seat with a table as a "luxury!" Feels like you were expecting to come on here and have everyone congratulate you and scorn the men for daring to sit comfortably for a journey they'd probably paid a fortune for.

gannett · 13/08/2025 18:00

Sometimes I have zoned out and been completely unaware of anyone else on the train. Sometimes I have been more alert and proactively made room for anyone who seemed to need it. You don't know why either of those might have been the case - once I zoned out because I'd just learned a friend had died in a car crash; another time because I was travelling to a job interview. It's really not on to judge random strangers for being selfish when you have no idea of their lives.

Every time I've been happy to move my bags or make room if someone asked. If you need room, it's up to you to ask.

Littleredgoat · 13/08/2025 18:04

If it were repeated sets of 4 seats with one man at each it sounds like the train was barely at 25% occupancy. There's no way I'd be paying attention to someone faffing around in those circumstances.

Istilldontlikeolives · 13/08/2025 18:28

Along the same lines, I've noticed recently that when I'm waiting to get onto a bus or tube, men have just rushed up and barged in front of me so they can get on first.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/08/2025 18:34

Istilldontlikeolives · 13/08/2025 18:28

Along the same lines, I've noticed recently that when I'm waiting to get onto a bus or tube, men have just rushed up and barged in front of me so they can get on first.

I can't say I've noticed that. Where I live, there's no real queue at bus stops, but everyone remembers the order in which they arrived at the stop and boards the bus accordingly. It's a pretty strict, albeit unwritten, rule. If anything, it's the men who are more likely to let people go ahead of them.

Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 18:38

Veryverycalmnow · 19/02/2025 22:34

I don't pay much attention to the majority of train stuff but I have an awareness if a woman is nearby with 4 kids needing a seat.

Show quote history

I think I would too, but I don't know if I would have got it in the same way before I'd had similar issues to deal with myself.