To block DM on FB using deceased DD's fb acct

[Chickenpuppet]

Years ago my DD set up a fb account. My DM was dismissive of FB but also not very tech savvy. When she realised the benefits of using FB she started to use his acct to interact with friends and family. It stayed in his name though. He passed last Summer it was quite sudden and a shock for us and I for one am still very distressed. DM continues to comment on things using his account and his name. I have offered to change the name and details for her but she refuses, saying it was both of their's but it only comes up with his name. I find it mortifying to have my late father comment or to have notifications about him. Before he died I could square it with myself that she would have told him what she was writing and he could read it for himself, but now I and DC find it irritating at best and upsetting otherwise.
AIBU to take a stand and block her?

The title of your post makes it sound like she is using your Daughters account, but it is your Dads account. All this “D” stuff can be confusing

She can use the account of she wants, your Dad mustn’t have minded when he was alive, it was used as a joint account then. You can use your Facebook settings so you don’t see her comments etc, without going to the dramatic length of blocking her.

Report it to Facebook. I can image that's it's distressing seeing posts from your dad as it were.

I think YANBU - it’s weird.

Does your mum understand that this is upsetting you and her grandkids?
Does she understand that it'll take a couple of seconds to change the name on her account and she won't loose anything?

Is she getting comfort from using her husband's account after his death, or is it just the convenience of "this is how I've always done it"

Do want you need to do to avoid upset. I mean it's only Facebook, you're not going no contact in real life. They don't know they are blocked do they. I've blocked my fair share of relatives on Facebook who post racist stuff that upsets me. I still speak to them in person where they act in a more decent way.

Simply say that it upsets you to see his name being the comments, so you're going to block or unfriend. That it's nothing personal, it just triggers your grief.

I find it a bit weird, but I imagine she finds it comforting. Don't get angry or judgy with her, just let her know that you won't be seeing her stuff.

Would she consider adding her name? So instead of John Smith it is JohnAndSue Smith, say? Then it would reflect her feeling that it is both of theirs.

Yes sorry about the DD thing.
I was kind of hoping she would see sense and change the name. It is distressing to family members but also looks odd to friends as it is only in his name

You can report your OP to MN if you want, @Chickenpuppet and they will change the title from saying DD to DDad or DF

I'm sorry for your loss.

My mother did something similar. After refusing to speak to me, banning me from his funeral and generally being awful, I got a missed call and a voicemail from my dad. It turned out to be her of course, but in those moments I didn't know what was going on and I was trembling. It had only been about two weeks since he'd died, I was still distraught and waking up to hallucinations of his voice. In her case it was just another way of tormenting me, she had her own phone.

I think it's very odd she's taken over his account without changing the name. It must be confusing to other people as well. I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to block her.

Solidarity and sympathy. I stopped using facebook completely for a few reasons, but this was high up the list. I just couldn't take it any more.
If blocking or hiding the account works for you, just go for it. Worst that happens is that you might occasionally be ignorant about something that comes up in conversation - at which point you can say something banal like "oh, those silly facebook algorithms always show up the same old rubbish and never the important stuff! I don't understand it, I've stopped using it so much now because it was so annoying".
Is there another family member or close friend who can continue following the account, and let you know if anything important happens? My partner would do this for me, and I'd do it for him - it's a pretty small ask really.
I really feel for you, @Chickenpuppet - it's a horrible situation to be in, just do whatever works for you for now.

What about “Hi Mum, I understand why you don’t want to change the FB name, but it’s really disconcerting for me to see Dad’s name pop up. So I am going to unfriend the account for now. If you change your mind in the future about the name, of course, I would be happy to help you amend it or start a new account, and friend you then”

If your Dad was OK with it, I don't think it's your place to object. She may well find it comforting. Obviously you can block if you want to.

If it upsets you then of course block her. But tell her it's because it upsets you rather than to 'take a stand'. She is his wife and if she wants to use 'their' account as part of her link to him, then I think that needs respecting.

Agree with this. It might be upsetting you, but it might also upset her to stop using a connection she had with her husband.

You can report the account as not hers and she will be asked for id to prove she is “ ops dad” when she can’t they will make her change name or deactivate the account.

I have told this and have offered to change the name for her. Its quite alarming to get a message or notification for someone you have lost. If it was both their names I could understand. It all seems ridiculous on her part as I am not expecting her to close the account just change the name.

Must be upsetting and throwing/ jolting to you when you keep seeing your Dad popping up on your statuses, photos etc commenting as if he's still here and chatting with you.
YANBU at all.

YANBU. Sorry but it’s very weird. She obviously finds comfort in the account though, can you ask her again if you can add her name and not remove dads - John X Mary Doe or John And Mary Doe.

If she refuses I personally would mute the account, I wouldn’t unfriend or block in case she refuses to re-add you again in the future and you lose access to any pics of him/posts etc.

If you contact Facebook and can provide a copy of the death certificate they can memorialise the profile. She won't be able to access it then. She needs to create a new profile or change the name. She isn't the only one with a right to feel things about his death.

Sorry to read about your dad, OP. If your mum won't listen to you, I wonder if you could try asking another family member if they could have a word with her about it?

@Glorybox2025 She isn't the only one with a right to feel things about his death.

Exactly. My mother acted as if she was the only one affected by it and expected everyone to gather round and endlessly console her without a thought for how my sibling and I were feeling. It might bring OP's mum some comfort but it's unfair of her to continue to do it knowing it's distressing her daughter. Surely there are other things that can bring more comfort than a facebook account.

Maybe she gets some comfort from still having his name on the account? I'd mute it for now and let her know that you find it upsetting and will continue to messg/call.

I have a 3 people on my rarely used fb who have died and whose family either still use to wish them "happy birthday" or can't access it close it. I do find it odd they've not shut the account. One cousin was a member of a railway group with 100s of contacts who obviously don't know that he died 8 years ago. I probably should delete him from my contacts too!

But it was never / not usually him commenting? She's only doing so in his name. If it feels like something she wants to do can't you either adjust your thinking or stop looking? People grieve in all kinds of ways, maybe it's her way of keeping him alive.

Or the daughter could simply mute the account?

What do you mean by muting? OP can unfollow the account but comments made by her mother from DF’s account will still show up on her posts. She can only stop this by unfriending (or blocking, but that is even more extreme and blocking someone unfriends them anyway)