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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting my husband to do more.

39 replies

emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:10

My husband and I just welcomed our second child and I feel like I'm doing everything on my own. I work as well so my days are very hectic. I'm up for school drop off, pick ups, homework, cooking, cleanings and all baby care. Today I was just very overwhelmed and I took I walk and i told him before I left. When I got back home he asked me what I needed a break for and I told him I was overwhelmed...since then he hasn't said a word to me and is sleeping on the couch. A few hours ago I went to talk to him explaining why I'm so tiredcrickets. I'm so pissed because he does what he wants , when he wants, for as long as he wants and I'm left to do it all. I know work is crazy for him but it is for me too.

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/02/2025 06:20

Sorry if i missed it - how old is your baby?

do i read correctly you have a newborn AND you are working and dealing with the older one?

MNTourist · 19/02/2025 06:23

So sorry you are not being listened to by your dh.Just to give more context, how old is baby and hoe old is first child? Are you both working ft or are you on mat leave?
Was dh more considerate after child 1 was born? Xx

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:26

Our oldest is 3 he was more involved with our daughter. Our son is 7 weeks and he's completely changed. I try not to get upset but I need him to help out more. We're both working full time but when I clock out of work I'm never really off.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:27

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/02/2025 06:20

Sorry if i missed it - how old is your baby?

do i read correctly you have a newborn AND you are working and dealing with the older one?

Yes you're correct

OP posts:
Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:30

Sorry you're saddled with one of those men. Most of us are to some extent because even the "progressive" ones don't do as much as they think (i.e. half). My advice is to allocate specific tasks to him. The best ones for men are shopping and cooking because they are standalone and they starve themselves if they don't get done. You will inevitably do the rest
My advice for that to avoid disappointment and 'nagging" the rest of your life is to just accept you have no help with any of it and live like you are alone. You at least then get the most important stuff. I include DIY in this. This takes away the anger, although as my own husband says 'its like you don't need me anymore". Quite, DH, quite.

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:33

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:30

Sorry you're saddled with one of those men. Most of us are to some extent because even the "progressive" ones don't do as much as they think (i.e. half). My advice is to allocate specific tasks to him. The best ones for men are shopping and cooking because they are standalone and they starve themselves if they don't get done. You will inevitably do the rest
My advice for that to avoid disappointment and 'nagging" the rest of your life is to just accept you have no help with any of it and live like you are alone. You at least then get the most important stuff. I include DIY in this. This takes away the anger, although as my own husband says 'its like you don't need me anymore". Quite, DH, quite.

He doesn't cook😩 this was never a big issue before but now it's becoming a problem.

OP posts:
NewHeaven · 19/02/2025 06:34

Are you working out of the home or at a workplace? Have you adequately recovered from the birth and how is your mental health? Please speak to your health visitor to inform them that you're overwhelmed and not receiving appropriate care.

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:38

It's time to learn then isn't it? He won't take the cleaning burden, I doubt he'll do enough of the hands on baby stuff...you can only really outsource the cooking and shopping. Unless he earns loads of money and you can get a cleaner but I doubt you'd be in this situation if you had the money to solve it.

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:40

NewHeaven · 19/02/2025 06:34

Are you working out of the home or at a workplace? Have you adequately recovered from the birth and how is your mental health? Please speak to your health visitor to inform them that you're overwhelmed and not receiving appropriate care.

I'm working from home, but baby is also home with me.

OP posts:
Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:40

I'm actually mad for you. You never forget this shit, when they weren't there when you needed them the most. I would still treat the scenario as if you were alone and plan accordingly...i.e. Call in for some help from a mother/sister/cleaner. Even just for two months.

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:41

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:38

It's time to learn then isn't it? He won't take the cleaning burden, I doubt he'll do enough of the hands on baby stuff...you can only really outsource the cooking and shopping. Unless he earns loads of money and you can get a cleaner but I doubt you'd be in this situation if you had the money to solve it.

It is time any help would be helpful.

OP posts:
Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:42

Working from home with a newborn baby is impossible. Why on earth have you gone back to work so soon? Where is your maternity leave? This is a recipe for PND as well as for fuckong up your job.

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2025 06:43

You’re doing far too much. If he won’t do his share, you need to outsource work like getting a cleaner and having shopping delivered.
How many days does the 3 year old go to nursery?

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:44

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:40

I'm actually mad for you. You never forget this shit, when they weren't there when you needed them the most. I would still treat the scenario as if you were alone and plan accordingly...i.e. Call in for some help from a mother/sister/cleaner. Even just for two months.

I'm really really trying but I'm just so upset. I've had 2 glasses of wine. I feel so helpless and I'm in so exhausted today was very hard and I needed a breather I can't believe this is how he reacts.

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/02/2025 06:45

You poor thing 😱
I agree with plumedenom

I had some kind of breakdown at my dh with no 2.
i stopped washing any of my dhs clothes when we had our second- I still dont.
I also stopped cooking for him i would literally feed me and the kids.
He improved after my breakdown / rant episode but i hold huge resentment and it damaged the marriage.

Can you afford to get any help in?
Have you talked to him?

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:45

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:42

Working from home with a newborn baby is impossible. Why on earth have you gone back to work so soon? Where is your maternity leave? This is a recipe for PND as well as for fuckong up your job.

We're in the US I've exhausted my 12 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:47

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2025 06:43

You’re doing far too much. If he won’t do his share, you need to outsource work like getting a cleaner and having shopping delivered.
How many days does the 3 year old go to nursery?

She goes Monday-Thursday I keep her home some fridays because I'm sometimes too tired 😔.

OP posts:
MNTourist · 19/02/2025 06:48

I think you need to demand a sit down and dis uss how this is going to work - surely you can’t be expected to wfh and care for baby without help?
What did you plan to do re childcare - are you employed or self employed as if employed, are employers ok with you looking after a newborn and working? This is not sustainable and you need to sit down with dh and work out a plan of who does what and what help you get with child care whilst working.
you are not superwoman and shouldn’t be expected to be !

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:53

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/02/2025 06:45

You poor thing 😱
I agree with plumedenom

I had some kind of breakdown at my dh with no 2.
i stopped washing any of my dhs clothes when we had our second- I still dont.
I also stopped cooking for him i would literally feed me and the kids.
He improved after my breakdown / rant episode but i hold huge resentment and it damaged the marriage.

Can you afford to get any help in?
Have you talked to him?

Edited

While cleaning today I decided to stop washing his laundry. I have family that can help but he has issues with these family members. So instead of asking I'm just trying to do what I can on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 06:55

MNTourist · 19/02/2025 06:48

I think you need to demand a sit down and dis uss how this is going to work - surely you can’t be expected to wfh and care for baby without help?
What did you plan to do re childcare - are you employed or self employed as if employed, are employers ok with you looking after a newborn and working? This is not sustainable and you need to sit down with dh and work out a plan of who does what and what help you get with child care whilst working.
you are not superwoman and shouldn’t be expected to be !

I think he thinks I'm superwoman. Im employed and my employer is ok with my keeping baby home as long as it's not affecting my work.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 19/02/2025 07:03

Jesus that's completely impossible.
can you lay it out for him: he tries what you've been doing for a week .
Or, he leaves.
And then he takes the DC 50/50 including work days.
I guess you could stop feeding, cleaning, clothing/washing etc for him at all for a while.
Hopefully he's throwing this strop because he knows he's in the wrong.
What kind of arsehole man treats his wife and newborn this way?
Angry for you, op..

Bigparrot · 19/02/2025 07:14

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 06:30

Sorry you're saddled with one of those men. Most of us are to some extent because even the "progressive" ones don't do as much as they think (i.e. half). My advice is to allocate specific tasks to him. The best ones for men are shopping and cooking because they are standalone and they starve themselves if they don't get done. You will inevitably do the rest
My advice for that to avoid disappointment and 'nagging" the rest of your life is to just accept you have no help with any of it and live like you are alone. You at least then get the most important stuff. I include DIY in this. This takes away the anger, although as my own husband says 'its like you don't need me anymore". Quite, DH, quite.

I have the same type of man and I've done the same. I just get on with it.
I make sure I get my 'me' time to relax on my own in the evening too. And he's confused why I've got no time for him!

OP. That sounds shit. If he won't even listen to you then you are not a team right now. Just do what you need to do for only you and the babies. That includes getting help from family or wherever and don't ask him about it.

Plumedenom · 19/02/2025 07:16

Your employer is also completely unrealistic. Welcome to the 2025 edition of the fucking patriarchy where women literally have it all. All the shit.

Original poster
emilyli · 19/02/2025 07:19

cordeliavorkosigan · 19/02/2025 07:03

Jesus that's completely impossible.
can you lay it out for him: he tries what you've been doing for a week .
Or, he leaves.
And then he takes the DC 50/50 including work days.
I guess you could stop feeding, cleaning, clothing/washing etc for him at all for a while.
Hopefully he's throwing this strop because he knows he's in the wrong.
What kind of arsehole man treats his wife and newborn this way?
Angry for you, op..

A couple weeks ago I was cleaning and had in my AirPods because baby was in room with dad he came out furious asking me if I heard baby crying. Only reason I had in my AirPods is because I thought dad would get up with baby so I could finish if our baby got up before I was done. At first it wasn't as bad now I'm super stressed.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 19/02/2025 07:21

Honestly I would not be cleaning a single dratted thing in your situation, or cooking. I can live on apples, toast, eggs, peanut butter and chocolate for a looooong time though :)