Wanting my husband to do more.

[emilyli]

My husband and I just welcomed our second child and I feel like I'm doing everything on my own. I work as well so my days are very hectic. I'm up for school drop off, pick ups, homework, cooking, cleanings and all baby care. Today I was just very overwhelmed and I took I walk and i told him before I left. When I got back home he asked me what I needed a break for and I told him I was overwhelmed...since then he hasn't said a word to me and is sleeping on the couch. A few hours ago I went to talk to him explaining why I'm so tiredcrickets. I'm so pissed because he does what he wants , when he wants, for as long as he wants and I'm left to do it all. I know work is crazy for him but it is for me too.

You’re a single parent but with the additional drain of an angry, sulky, entitled man with less emotional intelligence than a toddler. I would tell him that if he doesn’t step up he needs to leave. What is he bringing to your life other than demands?

@AlertCat nothing now.

I think you deserve the support of whatever family member will help you. At this point, the preferences of your husband are moot. You need help. Someone in your family is maybe willing to help. Your husband is not that person. The answer is right there in front of you. Act as if he were not there, because he is essentially not there. Use all the help you can get and do not rely on this man to protect your physical and mental health. Rely on other reliable women people.

F

This sounds utterly miserable and completely unsustainable.

You cannot work full time and take care of a newborn and do all the housework for a family of 4.

There simply isn't enough hours in the day.

Your husband is a complete arsehole for a start. Would your life be easier without him in it, including if you think he would have them at his occasionally?

Why isn't your baby in nursery?

Obviously stop doing anything at all for him from now on, that is batshit. Cook for yourself and your 3 yr old.

Why isn't your baby in nursery?

baby is only 7 weeks old, that’s still neonatal! Bad enough that OP is back at work without separating from her newborn as well. But the husband is worse than useless and he really needs a good slap. @emilyli is there anyone who would tell him off- his dad, his friend, your brother, his boss… I imagine that if he is angry with you for gently pointing out his shortcomings, it will only have a chance of being heard if it comes from another bloke.

Calm down @AlertCat - it was a question. The answer which could have indeed been 'because he's neonatal and I'm not ready to separate from him' or it could have been 'we can't afford it.'

He sounds like an absolute piece of shit. I’d be looking at getting help and getting ducks in a row for divorce. You will never recover from him doing this, mark my words. No point dragging out the misery. Anyone who can treat their ‘loved’ ones the way he’s treating you, is too far gone and unfixable.

No advice just empathy.

This seems to be common for most women in relationships with men from what I see.

So he has 'issues' with your family members, does he also have issues with your friends, what if you wanted to go out with friends for a meal one evening leaving him at home with the kids.

You are not a workhorse, and neither of you should be expecting or assuming that you should do all you are doing. Its unsustainable and bad for you and your newborn. Tell him he has to step up and be a partner to you. Wat kind of "man" would expect all this from his spouse who has just given birth? Tell him its not good enough. And get others to tell him too. He should be ashamed of himself.

Your husband doesn't see you as a human being, just an appliance. You're malfunctioning so he's ignoring you until you get back on track. He probably sees your pleas for help as "nagging".

This is the deal:

You have babies, you take care of those babies. You take care of the house, the admin and his needs.

He works and carries on his life as he did when he was single.

You're irritating him by asking for help and he wants you back in your box. You're challenging him and he doesn't like it; he wants an easy life. He doesn't want to parent or contribute.

OP sorry to read this. It’s unbelievable to me that they only give 12 weeks maternity leave in the states. Your husband sounds like a waste of time. I know it’s hard but I would be sitting him down for an “ultimatum” chat if you can afford to leave him. Either he bucks up immediately and takes over as much housework as he can fit in on his own time, or he can bugger off.

Yeah, the trouble is you have two problems:

1. a dh who has checked out
2. you live in a country with inhumane maternity policies

I would try to resolve this through using your dh wage to make your life easier. So I would get a lady to come round for a couple of hours a day who could take the baby for a walk, or do some cleaning, or whatever you want really. You are on full pay, you can afford something. If your husband is not willing to help out physically then I see his wage as the only thing that can actually support you in this situation and I would be using it generously. I would even tell him flat out that is your only choice. His money or his time. Most men choose to use their money over missing time from their precious job and hobbies.