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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to cook for DH since he missed dinner on Wednesday?

39 replies

AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 17:28

He texts to say a colleague is in town for a day, so he will talk things through with him over a drink & will be home at 8 PM. Fair enough.

Fast forward 4 AM, DH has finally found his way home. Stumbling about, making a racket, talking to himself, leaving lights on, stinking of booze.

Next day, he is stupid honest enough to say others went home at 9 PM or so but he went to a casino. By himself. "But I won!"

No apology, no nothing. I tried to talk to him about it the other night, and he seemed more interested in tv.

AIBU to give him the cold treatment since then and don't bother cooking for him if he won't bother showing up for dinner?

OP posts:
greenday · 09/05/2008 17:30

yanbu - I would make him take you out for dinner or at least buy a take-out to compensate.

nametaken · 09/05/2008 17:30

That was Wednesday, today is Friday. Put it behind you and enjoy the week-end.

Oh, and he has to buy or cook you both a nice meal tomorrow night to make amends.

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 17:31

Well, it depends on his usual behaviour, and if you're cooking anyway.

If he is usually an arse, no YANBU.
If it's a one off you are possibly BU,
If you are cooking anyway YABU.

HTH

micci25 · 09/05/2008 17:31

i dint think you are i do things like this all the time!!

dp 'whats for tea?'
me 'nothing there are no pots to cook it in since you forgot to wash up yesterday and i am not doing it again!'
or

'nothing you dont like my cooking remember your mum does it better so go to her'

or

'i thought you would be going straight pub like yesterday so me and dd's have already eaten'

PortAndLemon · 09/05/2008 17:35

Depends. Are you aged seven or under? If not, two of you behaving like stroppy toddlers isn't going to make the situation any better than one of you doing it.

Is this a one-off or a regular thing with him?

WigWamBam · 09/05/2008 17:38

I think you need to apply the same rules as with a child - things have to be dealt with at the time, and then you wipe the slate clean and leave it.

Sulking about it two days later is childish, unless (as others have said) he behaves like this regularly.

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 17:42

It's not a regular thing but it's not the first time, either. Once in a while he doesn't show up for dinner, then miraculously appears in bed when I wake up. I hate this with a vengeance. His defence is "Got a bit drunk"

Now he doesn't show up for dinner, then goes off gambling? WTF?

What's next - prostitutes? "Got a bit drunk, went gambling, ended up with hookers"

OP posts:
pointydog · 09/05/2008 17:47

I agree with squalor's three point summary.

Pheebe · 09/05/2008 17:51

Agree his behaviour was unacceptable but its Friday now, don't let it drag on and ruin the weekend, makes you seem a bit petty tbh (sorry if that sounds harsh)

If its really bothering you, get the kids in bed, switch of the telly and tell him you need to talk about it and tell him why you're hurt and upset. Think about what it is you want him to do though, never go out on his own again or just call you when he does/is?

If it doesn't happen often personally I'd let it pass, we all need to let of steam once in a while...

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 17:54

I wouldn't cook much if on my own and would be happy with some salad, which I'm happy to eat while feeding DD her own thing, rather than wait for a husband who won't necessarily feel like showing up for dinner.

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Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 17:57

Is it unreasonable to expect the guilty party to initiate the conversation, ask for forgiveness, promise to make up for it?

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Hecate · 09/05/2008 17:59

Has he had anything to say about the fact he's making his own food now?

VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 18:01

No, of course not, he should apologise but not cooking him dinner isn't gong to make that happen.
I wouldn't cook anything more than what I was already making and if he wanted some of that, fine.
But, I wouldn't specifically not do him dinner ebcause I was pissed off iyswim.

milkmoustache · 09/05/2008 18:01

Could be a long wait, especially if he is feeling guilty, and the longer you wait the more angry you will get. Might be better to initiate the conversation before you are totally furious with him, then you have a better chance of getting your point across. And, yes, he really has behaved badly (again), needs to make up for it and NOT do it again.

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 18:07

I am furious.

Mr Free-Spirit effing off to a casino rather than come home to his wife and child

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Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 18:09

No, he didn't say anything about making his own food.

Feels like he is waiting for the storm to pass, as it were. Like, I will stop being angry and forget about it if he waits long enough.

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VictorianSqualor · 09/05/2008 18:11

Well, not his child as such, I'm assuming the child would've been in bed?
But to you, yes, it's not fair, he was a twunt, but what do you want out of your actions?
You need to work out what you want to get out of it and act based on that, I don't think not cooking dinner will do anything except make you seem petty tbh, and that won't work in your favour, might make you feel better to know he is hungry but that won't last long.

bubblagirl · 09/05/2008 18:15

i wouldnt play silly games he let his hair down made a mistake

dont see what no dinner will prove

let him know its unacceptable that he should have let you know but i have got carried away on night out and my dp has too at times but we still cook each other dinner

i know you think its a way to prove apoint but it doesnt just tell him how you feel ythat you dont expect it to happen again and move on from it

kittywise · 09/05/2008 18:17

You need to talk about it properly and stop being petulant.

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 18:25

Last time he went to a casino, we had this conversation. He promised he would never go again. That was with a friend (who introduced DH to gambling).

Not only did he break that promise, but he is now going there on his own.

I'm worried that he might be developing a gambling habit.

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kittywise · 09/05/2008 19:22

So, you need to work out what you want to say to him.
Do it in a calm manner when you are not too angry.
You need to be clear for yourself about what you want the outcome to be and what you will do if he carries on gambling.
I think the worst thing you can do it get stroppy, let things blow over then get stroppy again.

WigWamBam · 09/05/2008 19:38

From a few hours gambling to sleeping with a hooker is a bit of a leap of the imagination, don't you think?

Do you ever talk to each other about things that bother you? Or do you just inwardly seethe, blowing things up out of all proportion because he can't read your mind and doesn't know you're pissed off with him?

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 20:12

I would like the outcome to be him saying he is sorry, that he won't keep me waiting at home while he goes partying on a whim, and that he will never set foot in a casino again. And mean it this time.

to say I don't see that as the probable outcome.

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kittywise · 09/05/2008 20:25

So then, I suspect you are right. He will do it again even if he protests that he won't. What will you do?

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 20:32

I can't decide if this is important enough to break our family over.

I know it pisses the hell out of me.

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