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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to cook for DH since he missed dinner on Wednesday?

39 replies

AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 17:28

He texts to say a colleague is in town for a day, so he will talk things through with him over a drink & will be home at 8 PM. Fair enough.

Fast forward 4 AM, DH has finally found his way home. Stumbling about, making a racket, talking to himself, leaving lights on, stinking of booze.

Next day, he is stupid honest enough to say others went home at 9 PM or so but he went to a casino. By himself. "But I won!"

No apology, no nothing. I tried to talk to him about it the other night, and he seemed more interested in tv.

AIBU to give him the cold treatment since then and don't bother cooking for him if he won't bother showing up for dinner?

OP posts:
Pheebe · 09/05/2008 20:33

Can you try and turn this into a positive if he's going to do it again anyway, say he gets a night out occassionally at the casino and you get an occasional night out with your mates. If money's a consideration perhaps set a budget you both agree and can stick to.

TBH although I can see why him not telling you he was going would p you off I can't see what the big deal is. You say he does this once in a while - doesn't sound like a gambling habit to me unless you have other reasons to be suspicious.

Doesn't he deserve some time to himself so long as its balanced with you getting the same consideration?

WallOfSilence · 09/05/2008 20:44

Where did the hooker comment come from?

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 21:21

He does occasionally go out with friends. So do I. I don't have a problem with that as long as he tells me about it.

What gets my goat is when he doesn't even think to let me know he is going out. Obviously I am not his wife but his nanny and housekeeper at such times, unworthy to know his plans for the night.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 09/05/2008 21:27

I can hear that you're angry I'm just struggling to understand why you're sooo angry. Again, seems a huge leap from the odd night out on the piss where he forgets to phone you and being taken for granted as a nanny and a housekeeper. It would take much much more that you describe to get me as riled as you seem to be. Is there other stuff going on here? Is this episode just an excuse to let you vent your frustration about other things going on in your relationship? Sorry if this is getting intrusive but truly I'm not sure why you seem so so angry with him.

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 21:35

I'm now genuinely curious as to whether this really is not a big deal. Is it OK for husbands/partners to be "on the piss where he forgets to call you"?

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 09/05/2008 21:53

Why not sit down with him and talk about it? I can't see that cold treatment is going to get anywhere.

amidaiwish · 09/05/2008 21:53

no it isn't ok. not for me anyway.

Pheebe · 09/05/2008 22:04

No its not OK but no ones perfect and I genuinely don't think it warrants the level of anger you seem to be feeling. I kind of think theres much worse things he could be doing.

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 09/05/2008 22:21

Somehow I don't see DH saying "Well, nobody's perfect" if I I disappeared off the face of the earth, only to reappear totally drunk at 4 AM

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 22:25

AC I think you should do it - sounds a bit one-sided as things stand

Pheebe · 10/05/2008 08:07

Look I've tried to be constructive not flippant, based on what you've said your -once in a while trips to a casino - not grounds for utter fury, withholding normal family life and threats of divorce imo. If you want people to just agree with you and tell you husband is a shit and take the line all women are martyrs all men are bastards fine. I tried to be more helpful than that

Good luck!

AbbeyA · 10/05/2008 08:21

I think that there is more to it than just a one off incident. On the face of it it seems pretty childish to be sulking 2 days later instead of talking about it on Thursday. If there is a deeper issue i.e.gambling then you really need to sit down and discuss it.

Original poster
AnonymousCoward · 10/05/2008 10:39

I don't think DH is shit but I do think he is deliberately and repeatedly acting like he is still a bachelor who doesn't need to let anyone know he will be on an all-night bender.

My understanding of a family is one where people put each other first and don't deliberately do things that piss each other off, and certainly don't go off partying on their own without even telling the other person. He has done this before, we had major arguments, he apologized and said "Never again". Yet here we are. That is why I am taking this hard.

If I wanted a hugfest and all-round approval, I wouldn't have posted in AIBU. I really want to know what people think about this and appreciate your input Pheebe.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 10/05/2008 10:58

AC am just trying to help in a constructive way. If you feel this a regular thing rather than a once in a while then that puts a whole different slant on it. Like I say it ISNT acceptable behaviour when you're part of a family. However, the rowing, getting angry etc doesn't seem to be resolving anything so I think at this point I'd try a different approach. If its affecting you deeply enough to be contemplating breaking up then I think you need to tell him that and perhaps ask him to get some couples counselling with you. Perhaps if you took the anger out of the situation he might feel more able to tell you/ask if its OK if he's out late/all night. You can't change someone elses behaviour if they don't want to change so you might find you have to accept he will do this every so often and create a situation where he feels he can tell you without fear of how you'll react or seriously consider a separation if you really can't accept it. Only you can judge whether your marriage is worth it or not.
hth anyway and you're having a better weekend

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