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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pleasure myself while husband is in the house?

64 replies

Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 22:51

Sometimes, I just want a quick orgasm, no fuss, no messing about, no build up or effort required for anyone but me, can't be arsed with / don't want actual sex but just want to get off and have the orgasm there and then. Just do me. AIBU to get some small pleasure from myself now and again, without having to go to DH every time?
For context, think another room after DH has gone to sleep - and we otherwise have a good sex life.

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 17/02/2025 23:13

I think it’s fine.

Only way it wouldn’t be is if you were bothered that he was doing it.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/02/2025 23:13

That really is nobody's business but your own.

Original poster
Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 23:18

ErrolTheDragon · 17/02/2025 23:13

That really is nobody's business but your own.

Maybe that's my mistake. We were talking about sex and I mentioned this, genuinely thinking nothing of it, assuming he does the same sometimes. DH took it extremely personally and is now apparently deeply hurt and rejected that I'd do it even when he's available. Should have kept my mouth shut lol

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 17/02/2025 23:22

Your DH needs to grow up.

Whotenanny · 17/02/2025 23:27

Does he masturbate? If so, then he can't complain 😆

VikingLady · 17/02/2025 23:33

It's your choice what you do with your body. He does not have the right if first refusal on using it. For anything.

RightOnTheEdge · 17/02/2025 23:33

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's your body and your private business.

I have seen posts on here before though from women saying that they feel hurt and rejected because their partners are doing this. So I don't think it's uncommon for people to feel like your husband does.

Does he really not do it? He's being a hypocrite if he does.

Lilliee1 · 17/02/2025 23:39

Not his or anyones business..

Lol, if it was my partner, he would find it a turn on

Original poster
Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 23:40

RightOnTheEdge · 17/02/2025 23:33

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's your body and your private business.

I have seen posts on here before though from women saying that they feel hurt and rejected because their partners are doing this. So I don't think it's uncommon for people to feel like your husband does.

Does he really not do it? He's being a hypocrite if he does.

He does, but only when I'm not here apparently. He says it's nowhere near as good as having sex with me so if I'm here he'd always try it on instead. I mean, I kind of get it - but I think he's being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 17/02/2025 23:48

Presumably he's just angling for the idea of more sex. Which is fine of course if you're both in the mood! Masturbating is sometimes a lot easier though in my opinion, quick means to an ends 😁

NPET · 17/02/2025 23:49

VikingLady · 17/02/2025 23:33

It's your choice what you do with your body. He does not have the right if first refusal on using it. For anything.

This is something which men need to learn. My boyfs have so often thought that they are entitled to my body whatever. NO. Only I am and in this case only you are!

RebelStarChild · 17/02/2025 23:56

Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 23:18

Maybe that's my mistake. We were talking about sex and I mentioned this, genuinely thinking nothing of it, assuming he does the same sometimes. DH took it extremely personally and is now apparently deeply hurt and rejected that I'd do it even when he's available. Should have kept my mouth shut lol

Show quote history

No you were right to be honest with him, you have a right to enjoy your own body. He needs to get over himself.

I would ask him straight up if that means you're not entitled to touch your own body without his involvement?

CraneBeak · 17/02/2025 23:58

Men are so tedious. The presumption of thinking that they can gatekeep a woman's own body from herself is staggering.

WrylyAmused · 17/02/2025 23:59

I think it's maybe cos he doesn't differentiate the types of orgasms.

I wonder if it's a bit like this for you (as it sometimes is for me).
Sex is great, and sometimes that's what I want, but sometimes it's not a sexual urge, it's just something I need to do to get to sleep easily, or be able to concentrate, or something similar. Far more "scratch an itch/ blow my nose/ have a drink when thirsty/put a sweater on when cold" kind of attending to a bodily need, rather than any desire for intimacy, connection or actual sex.

And maybe explaining it that way might help him see the difference - you're actually in that moment not rejecting him or sex, because it's not in the least about him or sex, and (if this is similar to mine) to be honest, the thought of sex with another person doesn't really cross my mind at such times.

Totally agree with pp though - your body, he only gets the option when you want him to, so you're entirely entitled to reject him if you wish, and he shouldn't sulk about it.

EdithBond · 18/02/2025 00:00

It’s none of his business.

Possibly upset because he feels you’re going off him or he’s not satisfying you enough. In which case, that’s a bit immature. But perhaps reassure him.

WallaceinAnderland · 18/02/2025 00:00

Sexual intimacy with a partner and solo masturbation are totally different activities though. Why does he think one should always replace the other. That's like saying you should always have the well balanced main meal on offer when you know what you're really craving is a crisp sandwich.

Frostynoman · 18/02/2025 00:00

He doesn’t own your orgasms!!

ItGhoul · 18/02/2025 00:01

Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 23:40

He does, but only when I'm not here apparently. He says it's nowhere near as good as having sex with me so if I'm here he'd always try it on instead. I mean, I kind of get it - but I think he's being ridiculous.

Show quote history

If you’re regularly rejecting him, I can see why this would bother him.

You’re absolutely entitled to have a wank whenever you want. But if you’re regularly masturbating more than you want to have sex, I guess that could be an issue. Whenever a woman on Mumsnet says their husband isn’t very interested in sex, everyone immediately says ‘he’s just selfish and he’s probably wanking instead and probably a porn addict and men are disgusting.’ So if he perceives that you’re masturbating instead of sex, I can see why he’s miffed. But of course anyone is allowed to do what they want with their own body and nobody is really entitled to tell their partner, male or female, not to masturbate.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2025 00:26

He says it's nowhere near as good as having sex with me so if I'm here he'd always try it on instead.

I prefer duck confit with dauphinoise potatoes. But sometimes you fancy a Mars bar, quick and easy.

His air of ownership over your body is shitty and I'd be closing that right down.

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:27

Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 23:18

Maybe that's my mistake. We were talking about sex and I mentioned this, genuinely thinking nothing of it, assuming he does the same sometimes. DH took it extremely personally and is now apparently deeply hurt and rejected that I'd do it even when he's available. Should have kept my mouth shut lol

Show quote history

Haha as if he only wanks when you’re out the house.

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2025 00:26

He says it's nowhere near as good as having sex with me so if I'm here he'd always try it on instead.

I prefer duck confit with dauphinoise potatoes. But sometimes you fancy a Mars bar, quick and easy.

His air of ownership over your body is shitty and I'd be closing that right down.

Yep.

He’s basically saying she’s a wank sock

Ladamesansmerci · 18/02/2025 00:27

Masturbation is natural and healthy. Crack on.

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:28

CraneBeak · 17/02/2025 23:58

Men are so tedious. The presumption of thinking that they can gatekeep a woman's own body from herself is staggering.

And also that women just swoon at the prospect of being only slightly better than a wank 😂😂 they really fancy themselves don’t they

PrivateNelly · 18/02/2025 00:32

I probably would not have said anything only to avoid the annoying fragile ego thing.

Truthfully if I waited to have an orgasm with DH I would be waiting beyond the end of days. Unfortunately I don’t know what good sex is as he has been the only man I have been with and when I previously said something wasn’t working he got really cut about it! So I do my own private thing and don’t share/tell anyone this (except on this forum!). I wait till everyone is out of the house though (I couldn’t fully relax as we have a tiny house).

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:33

I don’t do it full stop unless I’m teasing my partner but I geniunely think he’d find it weird if I was to do this. I’m not saying it’s not ok cause it is but I don’t think my partner would like it and he’d feel rejected knowing his personality. That being said I can always be arsed for sex and so can he so we don’t have that problem there has been a time coupe
years back where he said he’d had to sort himself out and I was ok with it cause it’s not like I was there at the time. I’d watch my man alll day long do it to himself and not get bothered

on that note I don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed fully in my life and wish I could no matter whether I play he plays an ex played or what not I have never orgasmed but I get extremely wet.