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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pleasure myself while husband is in the house?

64 replies

Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 22:51

Sometimes, I just want a quick orgasm, no fuss, no messing about, no build up or effort required for anyone but me, can't be arsed with / don't want actual sex but just want to get off and have the orgasm there and then. Just do me. AIBU to get some small pleasure from myself now and again, without having to go to DH every time?
For context, think another room after DH has gone to sleep - and we otherwise have a good sex life.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 18/02/2025 00:34

What he's asking is why are you putting your hands on yourself when he could be putting his hands on you. Shocking really.

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:34

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:33

I don’t do it full stop unless I’m teasing my partner but I geniunely think he’d find it weird if I was to do this. I’m not saying it’s not ok cause it is but I don’t think my partner would like it and he’d feel rejected knowing his personality. That being said I can always be arsed for sex and so can he so we don’t have that problem there has been a time coupe
years back where he said he’d had to sort himself out and I was ok with it cause it’s not like I was there at the time. I’d watch my man alll day long do it to himself and not get bothered

on that note I don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed fully in my life and wish I could no matter whether I play he plays an ex played or what not I have never orgasmed but I get extremely wet.

FGS forget his fragile ego and treat yourself to an orgasm. I have never orgasmed through sex and I won’t be deprived of one because of some fragile male.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2025 00:35

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:33

I don’t do it full stop unless I’m teasing my partner but I geniunely think he’d find it weird if I was to do this. I’m not saying it’s not ok cause it is but I don’t think my partner would like it and he’d feel rejected knowing his personality. That being said I can always be arsed for sex and so can he so we don’t have that problem there has been a time coupe
years back where he said he’d had to sort himself out and I was ok with it cause it’s not like I was there at the time. I’d watch my man alll day long do it to himself and not get bothered

on that note I don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed fully in my life and wish I could no matter whether I play he plays an ex played or what not I have never orgasmed but I get extremely wet.

Buy a vibrator. Today.

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:36

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2025 00:35

Buy a vibrator. Today.

Show quote history

Agreed - @purpleblue2 you need to experience it, life’s too short. I bet your OH orgasms every time. So why should you not have one now and again?

WellsAndThistles · 18/02/2025 00:38

YABU to describe masturbation as "pleasuring yourself" 🤣 but apart from that, the rest is up to you!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/02/2025 00:39

As long as its not taking anything away from your relationship with him then of course its not an issue. Especially as women generally aren't as limited in how often they can orgasm.

I could do it myself earlier in the day, then still want sex with him in the evening and probably have another solo orgasm before sleep (in my own bed). He'd probably be offended if he knew quite how often that happened, especially while he's in the same house, and he'd feel like he's not good enough to satisfy me, but its not about that - the two things are very different for me and quite often the solo activity makes me want him MORE rather than less.

If it was scratching an itch that meant I wasn't fussed about sex with him it would potentially be more problematic.

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:41

@TheIvyRestaurant

hahaha! Oh believe me I’d love to but I never seem to be able to we’ve had toys. He’s done what he can to get me there and he just can’t and neither have prevojs sexual partners? I have been looking at toys that are recommended for this to give it ago while on my own ( we don’t live together to be fair) I would say he’s good in the department and blame me for not being able to…

I love you women haha!

RebelStarChild · 18/02/2025 00:42

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:33

I don’t do it full stop unless I’m teasing my partner but I geniunely think he’d find it weird if I was to do this. I’m not saying it’s not ok cause it is but I don’t think my partner would like it and he’d feel rejected knowing his personality. That being said I can always be arsed for sex and so can he so we don’t have that problem there has been a time coupe
years back where he said he’d had to sort himself out and I was ok with it cause it’s not like I was there at the time. I’d watch my man alll day long do it to himself and not get bothered

on that note I don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed fully in my life and wish I could no matter whether I play he plays an ex played or what not I have never orgasmed but I get extremely wet.

I find it more weird he would feel rejected when he can't even give you an orgasm.

Another vote here for you getting a vibrator ASAP..

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:44

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:41

@TheIvyRestaurant

hahaha! Oh believe me I’d love to but I never seem to be able to we’ve had toys. He’s done what he can to get me there and he just can’t and neither have prevojs sexual partners? I have been looking at toys that are recommended for this to give it ago while on my own ( we don’t live together to be fair) I would say he’s good in the department and blame me for not being able to…

I love you women haha!

Get a little bullet thingy it’s all you need. And tell him to bugger off and leave you alone while you do it. Nobody needs an audience. Wap some Sean Bean remixes (other actors are available: Sean Bean is my personal fave) on YouTube and away you go

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 00:47

Of course it isn't unreasonable. It's YOUR body and DH doesn't own your body.

RebelStarChild · 18/02/2025 00:47

purpleblue2 · 18/02/2025 00:41

@TheIvyRestaurant

hahaha! Oh believe me I’d love to but I never seem to be able to we’ve had toys. He’s done what he can to get me there and he just can’t and neither have prevojs sexual partners? I have been looking at toys that are recommended for this to give it ago while on my own ( we don’t live together to be fair) I would say he’s good in the department and blame me for not being able to…

I love you women haha!

Sounds like you're relying on them to know what to do rather than you knowing what you like and what gets you there.
Definitely start exploring on your own, you're much more likely to be able to get there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2025 00:55

Wap some Sean Bean remixes (other actors are available: Sean Bean is my personal fave) on YouTube and away you go

LOL

Sean Bean for the win. He might die in everything but...

Catsandcannedbeans · 18/02/2025 01:08

It’s absolutely fine. I would even say it’s your right.

Unredchat · 18/02/2025 01:10

I do it whilst he's sleep next to me

Topsyturvy78 · 18/02/2025 01:17

Get yourself a vibrator. Best thing I've ever bought.😉

HowToSaveAWife · 18/02/2025 02:01

YANBU. A self inflicted orgasm is an excellent way to release a headache or muscle tension. I'd rather DIY than wait for DH. Equally... You're entitled to tend to your own needs.

Fuck the men that think you are only there to serve their purposes.

I regularly have self- orgasm to relieve headaches, muscle tension and just head-soupiness.

dontcryformeargentina · 18/02/2025 02:02

I recommend a clit vibrator ( Satisfyer). Much better than the bullet. Guaranteed intense orgasm. The only issue is - you may not need a man anymore Grin

beenonthebox · 18/02/2025 03:24

Tropicalturnip · 17/02/2025 23:18

Maybe that's my mistake. We were talking about sex and I mentioned this, genuinely thinking nothing of it, assuming he does the same sometimes. DH took it extremely personally and is now apparently deeply hurt and rejected that I'd do it even when he's available. Should have kept my mouth shut lol

Show quote history

Yes, but you see, I once reattached a door handle to a cabinet in a bathroom of a house I was cleaning and had cleaned for years...one day I went to clean and it was missing (I found it on the window sill with the screw missing), so I looked around for the screw, found it, and put the handle back on.

I didn't give it a second thought. The lady of the house was delighted. Her husband apparently acted as if we'd signed him up for castration. It was all in hand, apparently. He was going to do it, apparently. It didn't need anyone else to do it, apparently.

I work to the theory that some men take their role of alpha-male so incredibly seriously. The slightest thing that suggests you can manage without them can leave their egos almost irreparably bruised.

In the case of the OP, she needs to point out to her husband that in all walks of life different approaches are needed...I mean, let's just say he helps her to move the furniture to deep clean the lounge once a week...she's still likely to find the need for a quick run round with a vacuum cleaner on her own, in between, and will still always need him for the full works. I can't see the difference when it comes to orgasms.

beenonthebox · 18/02/2025 03:26

HowToSaveAWife · 18/02/2025 02:01

YANBU. A self inflicted orgasm is an excellent way to release a headache or muscle tension. I'd rather DIY than wait for DH. Equally... You're entitled to tend to your own needs.

Fuck the men that think you are only there to serve their purposes.

I regularly have self- orgasm to relieve headaches, muscle tension and just head-soupiness.

Conversely, I think "don't fuck the men that think you are only there to serve their purposes" is a better approach.

AffableApple · 18/02/2025 03:55

TheIvyRestaurant · 18/02/2025 00:44

Get a little bullet thingy it’s all you need. And tell him to bugger off and leave you alone while you do it. Nobody needs an audience. Wap some Sean Bean remixes (other actors are available: Sean Bean is my personal fave) on YouTube and away you go

Show quote history

Is this why it's called "flicking the Bean"?

Original poster
Tropicalturnip · 18/02/2025 06:44

WrylyAmused · 17/02/2025 23:59

I think it's maybe cos he doesn't differentiate the types of orgasms.

I wonder if it's a bit like this for you (as it sometimes is for me).
Sex is great, and sometimes that's what I want, but sometimes it's not a sexual urge, it's just something I need to do to get to sleep easily, or be able to concentrate, or something similar. Far more "scratch an itch/ blow my nose/ have a drink when thirsty/put a sweater on when cold" kind of attending to a bodily need, rather than any desire for intimacy, connection or actual sex.

And maybe explaining it that way might help him see the difference - you're actually in that moment not rejecting him or sex, because it's not in the least about him or sex, and (if this is similar to mine) to be honest, the thought of sex with another person doesn't really cross my mind at such times.

Totally agree with pp though - your body, he only gets the option when you want him to, so you're entirely entitled to reject him if you wish, and he shouldn't sulk about it.

Hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/02/2025 07:18

CraneBeak · 17/02/2025 23:58

Men are so tedious. The presumption of thinking that they can gatekeep a woman's own body from herself is staggering.

As a pp already mentioned, there've been many posts on here where women have been hurt to find that their DH had masturbated rather than initiating sex with them.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 18/02/2025 07:23

WallaceinAnderland · 18/02/2025 00:00

Sexual intimacy with a partner and solo masturbation are totally different activities though. Why does he think one should always replace the other. That's like saying you should always have the well balanced main meal on offer when you know what you're really craving is a crisp sandwich.

😂 Salt and vinegar or ready salted?

BitOutOfPractice · 18/02/2025 07:25

Am I the only one who’s craving a crisp sandwich now?

Miaowzabella · 18/02/2025 07:50

saraclara · 18/02/2025 07:18

As a pp already mentioned, there've been many posts on here where women have been hurt to find that their DH had masturbated rather than initiating sex with them.

Edited
Show quote history

Those women are equally tedious.