To ask MIL's how to include you as a grandmother?

[ArcticFunky]

I'm very lucky to have good relationships with my own parents, who are already grandparents to my brothers two and my in-laws who aren't grandparents yet - but will be first time grand parents to my baby. MIL only has sons ( four ) and I am with her eldest. She has mentioned before that she loves having me in the family because irs like gaining a daughter. I saw a tik tok on my algorithm that is heavily tailored to all content that is new-mum friendly at the moment where a nasty woman was boasting about how her MIL will be put in her place when her baby grows up seeing her as 'dad's side of the family' as though to imply this is lesser than being on mums side. I think this is disgusting & it got me really deeply thinking about how to include my MIL as much as I include my own mum with baby.

Some things I will naturally speak to my own mum more about like physical side effects of the birth etc, but as much as possible I want MIL to feel like a new grandmother when I feel like a new mother and I know she will want to be included and is very family orientated but is possibly too polite to ask or insert herself. I know this is a huge chapter in her life also & I juat want to make it special for her. For any MIL's out there what specific things have you had said to you, done for you or have your daughters in law done to really include you with your grand child when they have been born? We live locally enough to family and have a nice work life balance in that help with child care won't be essential or expected but I'd love to know. I don't want to look back one day and realise I'd missed opportunities to include MIL more.

What a beautiful post and what a lovely woman you are.

I hope my sons, find a woman like you because I'll be a MIL in the future. And whether or not they have kids I really hope to stay involved in their lives.

I'd say share scan pics, then photos when you have your baby, and invite her over to spend time with you. Not more than you're comfortable with of course, prioritise your own time getting to know your baby. I don't think there's anything more you need to do than that, I'm sure it will evolve with time.

I wish you all the very best x

No advice but what a lovely post!

And maybe tell her what you've said here. That you want to help make this time special for her too so she's not to worry about asking to come and visit. You'll tell her if it's not a good time but that you very much want her to have a good relationship with your baby

I love my MIL, I had a private gender scan and I invited her and my mum, then we all went to lunch together with my husband. The 2 mums were the only ones who knew the gender and then they helped with a gender reveal. I involved her in planning the christening and I invited her to baby shop so we could choose the baby furniture together ❤️ She is a big part of his life and she still has him every other Saturday night- he adores her and he is 6.

It's a lovely sentiment but why is the onus on you to bend over backwards to Include her as a grandmother? Just treat her like you normally do. She has a son who is perfectly capable of fostering the grandmother relationship, inviting her over, creating opportunity to spend time with the baby etc.

A lovely post. You are clearly very thoughtful and empathetic so I'm sure all will be fine.
Specifically, while you will inevitably feel more comfortable with your own mum when you are feeling physically or emotionally vulnerable, I think the main thing is recognising that both grandmothers are equally related to your baby, will love him/her and both the relationships can be equally as positive. Your MiL is very lucky!

I am not a MIL but my MIL is a wonderful woman and I always used to open the front door with baby to hand over when she came round which I know she loved.
If you're excited to see MIL then babies and children follow your energy I think.

Once a week I would send over a selection of the pictures we had taken of them for her to see and send individual cards from the children for each birthday, Christmas and Easter.

During Maternity leave, I used to pop in with the baby at her work once a month so she got to show off her grandchildren.

I’m not a MIL but my MIL is amazing and from the moment I had my DC I made sure she knew she was an important person in their life. I didn’t get arsey about her holding the babies or visiting and went round lots with the baby. It’s paid off in dividends as she’s an amazing granny and our no 1 babysitter option should we ever need it. It’s a real privilege I think to watch children bond with their GPs

Agreed. The woman who made the post you read online is not you, OP, and your MiL isn't her MiL. This internet stranger's baby has a father too, and he can take his share of responsibility for ensuring the child gets a relationship with both sets of grandparents. You're not answerable for the uncharitable sentiments of mere pixels on the www.

It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship you have with your MiL. I would love to have this. You're both very lucky.

As a mum of 4 boys I was in the same position as your Mil. I am also delighted that I now have lovely daughters in law. I would say just include her. Spend time with her so she sees her grandchild and when age appropriate allow her to spend time on her own with her grandchild. Make her feel trusted and honestly look at the bigger picture and don’t sweat the small stuff. My DIL is gracious enough not to get cross if I get it wrong.

Should have said my granddaughter looks more like me than any of my boys did which always makes me smile.

When I was on maternity leave, MIL offered to watch my DD for an hour or two so I could have a break. It became a lovely weekly routine that I still look back on fondly. I'd drive to her house chat for a bit then pop out for a swim, coffee and a quiet read or even just a walk.

More often than not rather than just picking up DD and heading home I'd stay for a cuppa and a chat, often for a few hours. We got to know each other so much better in those months.

What a lovely post, OP!

My daughter in law is great at sending over lots of photos of our baby grandbaby, and she messsges us with updates in between visits. We’ve told her we don’t want to crowd her or outstay our welcome and I think she appreciates that. I’d say just be open in talking to each other. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled you want to include her.

Well I had a great relationship with both sets of grandparents but it was my paternal grandmother that I was closest to and just clicked with. We were just very similar and understood each other.

How lovely, I have a great MiL and Im so grateful.

Not sure how tech savvy she is but my MiL loved the little updates rather than big gestures but Im sure you know her well enough to know what she'd prefer. I sent pictures of baby stuff Id brought, I had an app that told me how big the baby was that week e.g. the size of a pepper, or melon etc 😂

If you can think of any small things she could help with Im sure she would enjoy that too. I asked my MiL to help choose some bits for my hospital bag for example.

Lovely to read a MN poster who doesn’t dislike her MIL ! My own lovely DIL handed the newborn to me as soon as I got in the room when they were home.It meant a lot. I know I’m not her mum but she does talk to me and asks my opinion.She is kind and thoughtful and prompts my son to be the same (I know she shouldn’t have to but I appreciate that she does, I acknowledge the parenting failure but he is a good husband and father so I must have done something right).

My MIL is the best 'quiet' support I could wish for. She has never forced herself on us or pushed her way of doing things, but has always been there to support us. And she's one of my son's favourite people in the world. He's nearly 10 now, and they've been close since he was very little.

The more I read of problematic relationships on here, the luckier I feel we are!

Maybe I'm naive, but I think if you and she both want to have a great relationship, and for her to be as involved with your child as you're both comfy with, you don't need to do anything special to make an effort. It will happen naturally, because you respect each other and both love your child.

What a lovely counter-cultural post. We read so many threads where MILs just can’t even breathe right and it’s so saddening to those of us with sons…

FWIW I think your attitude is half the battle - just wanting to include her will mean the world to her. I know if my son ever has children, just having the privilege of being a part of their life would be wonderful.

One of the things I used to do to keep both sets of parents involved was to ask their advice. I never needed it, and rarely followed it, but it made them feel included and valued. It’s also quite helpful when you’re too busy be arsed with the Easter bonnet competition at school, or other creative homework projects/ boring music concerts /sports events - grandparents are brilliant for easing that pressure.

I also made sure my DC spent time with them one-to-one and would talk about them as an everyday part of the family, so that they grew to have their own individual little bonds. My DC are grown adults now and those bonds are still strong - I truly believe they’re one of the things that keep our now quite elderly parents going…having big ‘kids’ bounding in a room and giving them a hug and gently bantering with them. The beaming smiles on the parents’ faces is magic.

I would honestly tell her what you’ve told us that you want to make sure she’s involved so please ask if she’d like to come over etc as you’ll tell her if it won’t work for you.
You can invite her over aswell when it suits and send pictures.
I wouldn’t promise anything right now as you don’t know how you’ll be feeling once baby is here and don’t worry if you do see your mum more I think it’s natural when you’ve just had a baby.
It doesn’t have to be equal to be fair

You’re off to a great start, because you’re thinking about how to expand your family unit, rather than have your side and his side. I always felt included by my DiL. She sent photos of funny things and new achievements. She asked my opinion sometimes, but I didn’t offer it, unless she asked. They trusted us enough to ask us to care for their children overnight, or weekends and sometimes for longer.

My DiL and I have a profession in common, so that helped. Those babies are grown up now and more or less independent now. I enjoy spending time with them and that’s because we’ve been made to feel welcome.

Keep her updated during pregnancy. Arrange a visit to meet baby soon as you are ready after the birth.

Lots of pics /updates maybe on a dh family group on WhatsApp

Let her get involved- lots of cuddles etc

I’m a MIL and my DGS is 13mths old.

My DIL is an absolute angel who i love to bits. They both are, but only the one has a baby. When she was pregnant she’d send me updates about her pregnancy, including scan photos. DS2 did too. I crochet, she bought a book and asked if I’d crochet some specific outfits for the baby once it was born. They didn’t know what they were having. She dressed him in one when I met him for the first time.

We don’t live nearby like her parents do so we visit every 6-8weeks or so. When he was tiny she’d send us a photo every day, sometimes more. We got lots of videos too. Once he was bigger and could interact we got a FaceTime each evening just as DH would come in from work. It’s my favourite time of the day. We don’t get them Monday and Tuesday now, because she’s back at work, but we do every other day. DDIL was extremely close to her grandparents and wants the same for DGS.

I’m very close to my MIL, too. I’ve learned a lot from her. She’s never given unsolicited advice, she’s just loved my children (and me) and is a wonderful grandma, so that’s all I want to be tbh.

Whilst the husband/partner in this situation could take the responsibility for the relationship with the baby's maternal grandmother, if the mum is on maternity leave, I think the first year is a bit different. I took many more photos of DD simply because I was home with her when DH was in the office. I also did many more things with her - the first time swimming, the first baby group, the first music group. I made sure that I sent MIL plenty of photos and messages and also invited her to stay mid-week even though it meant I would essentially be hosting her with DH at work. I've always made sure that I've talked about her with the children, commented on things she would or wouldn't like and making sure that she is part of their day to day lives even though she lives a few hours away.

1. Scan photo
2. WhatsApp photos/updates when born
3. Drop-in/visit once a week/fortnight/month depending on location/jobs etc
4. Allowing her to hold baby/take for walk pending feeding
5. Alternate Xmas/boxing days with your own, pending own needs
6. Ask her what she'd like to be called/go by
7. Mug/necklace/cards with above moniker
8. The odd family meet-up/trip pending energy
9. Building up to her looking after the baby/toddler if both parties want it

10. Making sure she knows your own mum is on equal footing/not necessarily getting more time

Above based on own experiences with a MIL that really wanted to be involved

Ask her ?

take her into confidence with fears , planned surprises, confessions

take her shopping ask her opinion on the big ticket items such as pram cut nursery decor

let her pick a middle name , my mil picked our first name