AGH! Is all I have to say.

[laulau203]

This is insane and I have no idea what to do. Please bare with me as I am trying to type the situation into words and cover all bases whilst trying to make it make sense.

I broke up with my daughters father when she was one.

She is 17 now.

He is from up North and we met whilst he was down in London staying in digs for the week working for a construction company and then he would go home on weekends. He didn't speak to his parents as he said they were abusive to him growing up. I am not sure they even know DD exists. He obviously moved in with me we were together for two years then I became pregnant and he started being abusive, told me I should start dressing like a mum, wouldn't let me go back to work, going out to the pub and attacking me on his return home, saying my friends were all party girls and I shouldn't be around them anymore etc...

Police were called multiple times by neighbours and my friends but unfortunately back then at my young age I did not press charges as I was terrified of him. He was given the option to have supervised visits with DD and chose not to. DD has not seen him since. I just let him slip off as I think it was a better option anyway. My family let me move back in with them for a while whilst I had therapy and recovered from the relationship. I went back to work and moved back out and am now remarried for the last 12 years and all sorted really...we have a very happy life, husband took my daughter on as his own etc and we had another DC. We have never heard from him again. DD has seen pictures of her dad that I had and we have when she was old enough been quite open with her about the situation as naturally she has asked on multiple occasions growing up. We did this with advice from social services and she had some counselling for it (she was more curious than bothered, but we thought this was the correct way to deal with it).

Anyway long story short. My DD has started college...she is at a well renowned performing arts college so obviously kids come from all over to attend. She has made tons of friends and has a lovely group of girls who she has formed a group with. They all had a day out in London last week just mooching around etc and by 12pm she asked if she could go back to one of the other girls houses as they were freezing and she lived nearby. I asked for the address and the mums number, called the mum, the mum Whatsappe'd me address etc as she was over the other side of London. I got the WhatsApp and like you do I clicked on the profile picture to see what kind of person the mum looked only to be met with a selfie of her and my DD dad.

I lied to her and said we had a family emergency and I had to pick her up (thank the lord he was at work, not that he would have recognised her anyway). I left work and speed drove to the house in about 45 minutes and picked her up down the road.

I showed her after.

What do I do? Her dad is her friends step dad, she's just found out she has a step sister and two younger brothers. I can't believe it. Of all the people she could have met she's met this girl 17 years down the line.

The mum (who seems lovely) has WhatsAppe'd me after my DD left and said she said she had a family emergency and hopes we are ok and if that ever happens again my DD is welcome to stay there. I don't even know what to reply.

My daughter is talking to her friend as normal but I have ZERO idea on how to handle this.

I don't know if anyone including his new wife even knows my DD exists. It's mental.

How does your dd want to handle this? If she's going to stay friends with her step sister then I think she'll need to be honest with her.

I wouldn't want my child around an abusive violent man. I would tell her he's abusive and ask her not to stay at her friend's house.

That's a very well deserved ARGH!

What are the odds of that?!?!?!

I think I would speak to the friends mum if she seems nice and ask about the name of her partner. It could just be someone that looks like him?!?! Just tell her you'd clicked on her profile photo on WhatsApp and the photo totally freaked you out as the man in the photo was the spitting image of your abusive ex.

It's definitely him. He has a very unique scar. 😑. I couldn't f believe it, Me and my best friend just sat in silence on the phone for about 30 minutes last night just like wtf?

I'd still speak to the mum and say that you were freaked out that the man in her WhatsApp photo was the spitting image of your abusive ex.

Either your ex has turned over a new leaf, or this woman might also be in danger and being controlled.

You don't need to handle it. You informed your daughter and that's the end of that. She is an adult and can make her own decision.
You don't need to disclose your past the "new wife". Every person has the opportunity to change their destiny and you have no idea if your ex "rehabilitated" from his abusive past. If he did, he has the right to privacy.
My abusive father dated a woman 10 years after him and my mum divorced. They had a lovely relationship and it is not my place to recount the horrors of my childhood to her. For whatever reason, my father changed and it was a good thing. Even though I don't feel particularly warmly towards my dad, I would have lost all the respect for my mum if she decided to meddle in their relationship.

I'm not meddling in it. I am asking what to do because DD will obviously be invited there again. What does she do, just sit in a house with her dad who she knows is her dad but can't say anything? She has also found out she has two younger brothers.

@laulau203 what a very strange situation, no wonder you’re freaked out! I would sit down and discuss options with your daughter and potential outcomes. It might be worth her going back to therapy to work this out for herself. Visiting the house can be avoided for awhile or if needed she can distance herself from the friend. Ultimately it’s her decision as to how she proceeds, she doesn’t have to make any decisions straight away.

This is incredibly strange advice! It is fundamentally life altering and significant for her DD to realise her friend's step dad is her actual father whom she has not seen since she was a young baby.... Why are you acting like its a non event?

You don't think her daughter will have strong emotions to process, that she has half siblings and that her friend is sharing her life with her biological father? That her daughter might be angry, upset and totally in shock? That she now has a chance to see him, connect and build a relationship potentially but that there are so so many questions around his lack of contact and her hurt and feelings of rejection? That this could cause his new family to implode, depending on what he has told them?

OP - I think the only thing that you can do is be honest. I would try and contact the father first and not his wife and expalin. I don't think you should discuss this first with the wife. Do you have a means to contact your ex independently? I am sorry you are dealing with this, it must be an incredible shock to you and your daughter.

Firstly, can totally understand your shock and the feelings this will have stirred up for you.
Let your DD take the lead here, she may well not want to face this yet and continue her friendship as always. Remember she has absolutely no emotional attachment as family to him or her brothers etc. so it will be easier for her to detach the idea they are 'family'. For you there's traumas and memories attached that will make it more difficult to process.
Speak to your DD and see where she's at. Does she want to let the family know she exists, that she knows who they are, does she want to get to know her Dad, her brothers or does she want to walk away. Her priority is likely that she doesn't want to lose her friendship.

All you need to do is listen, and be there. Don't sway her one way or another as it really does need to be her choice and she's old enough she needs to do this herself, you lean on your husband/friends for emotional support and she leans on you.

If your daughter agrees perhaps she can contact the father.

You don't have to be involved when she is over 18.

I expect you don't want anything to do with the man.

The odds of this happening and in a city with 12million.
Wow.

he is not her dad though, he is biologically but no more

I don’t agree with this statement at all, anyone in a relationship deserves full disclosure about their partners abusive past, this is how women get killed!!!! If only the poor women who get killed by their partners had this information I think a lot more would be here to tell the tale.
people can make an informed choice then

Literally. It's insane.

Shit. I am astounded on your behalf OP but your daughter needs a bit of time to think. Support her to do what she wants, but I think that she can't continue the relationships with that family without being honest.

As PPs have said, the key question is: what does your daughter want to do? It's her father, her friend, her half-brothers. She's nearly an adult, so you 'handle this' by supporting her with whatever decision she makes.

What are the chances!

Talk to her and be honest. See what she wants to do.

So you don't believe in Claire's law etc? Because had the climate been different, he would have been charged and any subsequent GFs would know that he's abusive.
The DD is a young person, not yet an adult, she needs guidance on this. He might not have changed, it's rare they do. Many become emotionally abusive/manipulative rather than physical. OP I had a similar situation. Honesty is the only way going forward, or your relationship might be affected. If he goes in on the blame game towards you and it all blows up, your DD will lose trust in you. I've always let my children, as teens and adults have contact with my DH's (disfunctional/parental addicted) side of the family. Never negatively commented on anyone, but they've been made aware of what those people are capable of, why there was no contact. Unfortunately time told that they hadn't changed, but at least I protected my children and our relationship didn't suffer. Keeping secrets doesn't work. People pop up all over the place. I always worry about incest, if people don't know who they are blood related to.

Gosh - what a shock for you and your daughter. I tend to agree with other posters saying to let your daughter take the lead - however she is still only 17 so will need your full support. This isn’t something you can put a lid on now that it’s opened. Is there a way of contacting your daughter’s father? How comfortable would you feel talking to the mum?

Oh wow OP! I would speak to you DD and ask how she wants to handle things and take it from there..:

he might not be the children's father however,

Actually the dd is really young. So yes it’s her decision but I also think she might well need guidance.
And to give her guidance, the OP needs a better idea of what could be the best advice…..

Claire's law is very different as the information is given out by the figures of authority in accordance with the current laws. It is OK for my neighbour to request information under the Clair's law about her partner. It's not OK for me to put posters in the neighbourhood informing every Tom, Dick and Harry that I saw him punching a man in the pub 15 years ago.

@laulau203 im not surprised you’re shocked!!

I think the first step is to separate what happened to you, the way he behaved etc… from your dd’s experience.
Then (if I understood well), your dd knows the history and the abuse. She also knows her father was never there for her.

Id have a chat with her on what her next steps could be. Something like
If you contact him and tell him and his partner that you exist, he might be delighted and nice. Or he might actually refuse to see you, deny you exist. Or he might get angry and abusive. (And so can the partner fwiw. This will come as a shock to her too!)
She can not say anything but how will she handle going to that house? And how will she handle her friendship too?
Talk with her about the different possibilities and outcomes. If she is at College, she is still under 18yo right? She’ll need your support but also your guidance.

And btw, amazing reaction you had re checking with the mum and then asking your dd to be back home! Youve handled that perfectly!