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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To suspect DP is emotionally abusive?

36 replies

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 21:57

Sick to death of DP and wish he’d disappear.

We fell out earlier this week because I perceived him to be deliberately antagonising our (very good and reasonably patient) toddler until he reacted badly so he could tell him off. It happened several times until I snapped and told him to fuck off being a bully. He doesn’t accept that he was bullying and said I’m a shit mum who lets him get away with too much. Later, he told me I’m much harsher on DS than he is. Go figure?

Today’s argument was because I spoke to him about a recurring intense pain I had earlier that frightened me. I wanted a response but instead he just looked back at his phone. I don’t know why I expected anything more as he doesn't seem to like talking unless it’s about his interests, his sensations, his family trauma and so on. 🙄 Anyway, I snapped this time.

The thing is, he storms off upstairs when he’s angry. This often leaves me with the kids, the washing up (after cooking tea that I didn’t get thanked for) and the feeling that I’m insignificant. He’ll happily stay away watching telly and messaging his mates. I usually then offer an olive branch just to diffuse the unsettled feeling I get. Tonight, I went after him and told him to get downstairs and do his fair share of parenting. He told me he wouldn’t be in the same room as me and that if I want his help I’ll have to come to our bedroom out of his way.

Anyway, here I am in our room with our 3-month-old like a naughty kid. Been here since 7pm.

OP posts:
TeacupsAndCakes · 16/02/2025 22:04

He sounds awful...
Any way out of this relationship?! Definitely signs of emotional abuse in there, you can do way better than that. There's alot of nice people out there!!

toomuchfaff · 16/02/2025 22:05

DF - dear father
presuming you're talking about your partner not your father?

Sounds like a bully, waste of space not a partner.

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 22:08

@toomuchfaff omg yes, my partner! 😂

What a divvy, can I edit my original post?

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 16/02/2025 22:09

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 22:08

@toomuchfaff omg yes, my partner! 😂

What a divvy, can I edit my original post?

Not sure, but cleared up! Was reading and it definitely gave a different perspective!

KimMumsnet · 16/02/2025 22:15

We've edited your post now, OP.

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 22:19

@TeacupsAndCakes
I would need to claim for benefits as I don’t have a huge salary and I’m currently on maternity leave. The processes scare me though and I always end up relenting before I’ve completed the online forms!

OP posts:
Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 22:20

@KimMumsnet
Thank you! 🫣

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 16/02/2025 22:36

I usually then offer an olive branch just to diffuse the unsettled feeling I get.
Stop doing that from now on. The unsettled feeling is because you know this situation is not right. Learn the art of grey rocking while you live together.

Whose house is it?

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 22:45

@AutumnFroglets
I was getting better at outwardly ignoring him but it really hurts me and today I had no patience for it. I also resent that I’m then left to do everything that needs doing whilst he sulks.

It’s his mortgage but I contribute half.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 16/02/2025 22:55

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 22:45

@AutumnFroglets
I was getting better at outwardly ignoring him but it really hurts me and today I had no patience for it. I also resent that I’m then left to do everything that needs doing whilst he sulks.

It’s his mortgage but I contribute half.

Sorry OP but are you not married but you're paying half of the mortgage on his house? So if you split, you're not entitled to anything except child support?

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:01

@Endofyear
Yes, his mortgage that I’ve been putting to with for years. We’re engaged with 2 kids but not yet married. I was irresponsible with credit when I was younger so wasn’t eligible for a mortgage at the time we got the house. Things are probably different now, though.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 16/02/2025 23:06

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:01

@Endofyear
Yes, his mortgage that I’ve been putting to with for years. We’re engaged with 2 kids but not yet married. I was irresponsible with credit when I was younger so wasn’t eligible for a mortgage at the time we got the house. Things are probably different now, though.

Can you get him to add your name to the mortgage? I'm just worried your relationship doesn't sound great and if you split he can literally throw you out of the house as it's his and you have no claim on it 🙁

AutumnFroglets · 16/02/2025 23:11

Oh. You have put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position.

You need to start saving up for a run away fund and grow it as fast as possible. Start looking at rentals and see what is required with deposits and references so you are ready to go as soon as you have enough. Go on a benefits checker to see if you are entitled to any uc or anything.

He could throw you out tomorrow and you would have zero rights. Start saving.

PeriPeriMam · 16/02/2025 23:18

You're very vulnerable in this scenario in terms of paying into his mortgage with no security. He does sound emotionally abusive (and/or just a pain in the arse). Do you feel safe with him? Are there good things about the relationship?

Copperoliverbear · 16/02/2025 23:24

Leave him, he's an arsehole a bullying one at that. X

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:50

@Endofyear he told me he contacted his mortgage advisor earlier this week as we’re looking to upsize which would necessitate me being granted a mortgage too.

I know I sound naive, I am.

OP posts:
Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 23:56

@AutumnFroglets
I have a couple grand left out of my maternity savings and also a very supportive family when it comes down to it (although they think the sun shines out of his arse). I wouldn’t be homeless for long.

I’ll try and squirrel away more money whilst I get my head around things.

OP posts:
GreenLeaf25 · 17/02/2025 00:04

Do NOT get on the mortgage as you'll be half liable for it. Get on the deeds, which you can do without being on the mortgage. As he's a DP not a DH you are vulnerable. Definitely make a plan OP!

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:09

@PeriPeriMam
We are both very playful and loving when not under any stress. The sad thing is there is a lot of stress due to his work and also his overbearing family. I’m a teacher so I have my fair share but his is chronic.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 17/02/2025 00:10

Can you reduce or stop paying your half of HIS mortgage in the meantime? Say it goes towards the children, or you have less maternity pay atm? Yes you should be paying towards utility bills but not towards his asset. Is he paying his share of child costs?

And that's very good news having a supportive family if you do leave. Good luck Flowers

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:10

Thanks for the advice @GreenLeaf25, I’ll look into that.

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pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 00:13

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:09

@PeriPeriMam
We are both very playful and loving when not under any stress. The sad thing is there is a lot of stress due to his work and also his overbearing family. I’m a teacher so I have my fair share but his is chronic.

Stress is no excuse for any if this behavior. Expect better of your partner or resugn yourself to eating shit.

Semiramide · 17/02/2025 00:16

You are unreasonable for getting yourself in this shitty situation with an emotionally unavailable and borderline abusive $#@&%$$.

Why oh why did you choose to have another child...

Seek competent legal advice and see what you can salvage from this mess.

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:26

@Semiramide because I wanted another child, don’t be rude.

He didn’t behave like this when we were dating and I’d never previously suspected him of bullying our kid either.

OP posts:
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:28

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 00:13

Stress is no excuse for any if this behavior. Expect better of your partner or resugn yourself to eating shit.

I agree it’s not an excuse. I do expect better, hence my post.

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