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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To suspect DP is emotionally abusive?

36 replies

Sawyerishot · 16/02/2025 21:57

Sick to death of DP and wish he’d disappear.

We fell out earlier this week because I perceived him to be deliberately antagonising our (very good and reasonably patient) toddler until he reacted badly so he could tell him off. It happened several times until I snapped and told him to fuck off being a bully. He doesn’t accept that he was bullying and said I’m a shit mum who lets him get away with too much. Later, he told me I’m much harsher on DS than he is. Go figure?

Today’s argument was because I spoke to him about a recurring intense pain I had earlier that frightened me. I wanted a response but instead he just looked back at his phone. I don’t know why I expected anything more as he doesn't seem to like talking unless it’s about his interests, his sensations, his family trauma and so on. 🙄 Anyway, I snapped this time.

The thing is, he storms off upstairs when he’s angry. This often leaves me with the kids, the washing up (after cooking tea that I didn’t get thanked for) and the feeling that I’m insignificant. He’ll happily stay away watching telly and messaging his mates. I usually then offer an olive branch just to diffuse the unsettled feeling I get. Tonight, I went after him and told him to get downstairs and do his fair share of parenting. He told me he wouldn’t be in the same room as me and that if I want his help I’ll have to come to our bedroom out of his way.

Anyway, here I am in our room with our 3-month-old like a naughty kid. Been here since 7pm.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 17/02/2025 00:33

Hi OP, are you ready to leave him? I guess with a 3 month old maybe you’d want to leave it a month or 3?

With your £2k I would go and speak to a solicitor- if you’ve made substantial contributions to his property then you may have the right to some money from the house, but no means guaranteed.

From there onwards I would start acting like a single parent. Simply don’t factor him in and try and just let him be there. In the meantime make a plan to leave- when are you going back to work, do you need family to help you for a bit etc.

Im glad you have good family support.

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:42

@BountifulPantry
I fantasise about leaving almost daily. I just don’t trust my emotions fully as I’m sleep deprived, anxious snd hormonal so was prepared to give it time until tonight’s argument tipped me over.

OP posts:
Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:45

@BountifulPantry thanks also for your advice, will look at solicitors.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 02:14

Your emotions: anger, disgust, horror, sadness, snd fright are there to get you out of a horrible situation . Trust your instincts. This is a horrible situation for you and your children. Don’t negotiate yourself out of running for safety.

1SillySossij · 17/02/2025 02:45

You sound like you hate one another and are creating a toxic damaging environment for your dc

BountifulPantry · 17/02/2025 08:04

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 00:45

@BountifulPantry thanks also for your advice, will look at solicitors.

A good time to sneak off to solicitors now and have a very quiet word whilst you’re off and he is working. They can explain what documents you’ll need and you can set about gathering information. Or they might say “no forget it” in which case you know where you stand.

You said you had really nice family. Are you able to speak to them about what’s happening? If a family member said this to me I’d help them without a shadow of a doubt.

maddening · 17/02/2025 08:22

Tbh if it was me I would grey rock while getting on the mortgage and also poss until the youngest is settled with nursery etc and I was back settled in worm to allow me time to sort my shit - unless I felt unsafe

Naunet · 17/02/2025 09:31

Please tell me you're not currently paying half of his mortgage out of your maternity savings? You both decided to have a child, the financial impact shouldn't be yours alone.

Ponoka7 · 17/02/2025 09:37

I'd film him next time he's going at the toddler, it'll be you that has to leave and if he goes for residency, or 50/50, he'll be the one with stable housing. Being engaged, paying half the mortgage, means nothing. You are being allowed to stay in his house and unless you can show that you've bought furniture, you will leave with nothing. Stop using your savings, as said, the cost of ML should have meant lower contributions.

OnaMatUpHere · 17/02/2025 09:44

I doubt there is any point in seeing a solicitor, stop paying his mortgage though, you will need that money for the move.
You just need to find a new place to live, put a deposit down and go.
When it comes down to it you are very unhappy and he is mistreating your child, they are two very good reasons for leaving.

Sawyerishot · 17/02/2025 11:01

In fairness, I’m not paying anything this month towards the house as my pay is about to drop. I’m getting all the food bills instead.

i could care less about the money, really. I just want to get out of here but don’t trust my own gut anymore. Your replies have been affirming.

I actually could have said much more about him but felt it unnecessary.

He’s not dangerous, just unpleasant.

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