Mums gossiping about dd

[Extraordinarilyexciting]

Was shown messages from a group chat of a few parents from dds dance school. Dd is new to this class.

The messages basically said that dd takes it too seriously, probably has an eating disorder (she doesn’t) and seems distracted most of the time. I am friends with the mum who showed me (in person I don’t have proof of the messages on me) has said that she doesn’t want to get anyone in trouble and that the messages were probably from a place of concern so has asked me not to do anything with it, promising she will discourage them and let me know if anything else is said about dd.

AIBU to want to report this to teachers or at least confront the parents? Even if it means betraying my friend or would you just leave it?

I’d leave it for now. At least by not betraying your friend you’ll be able to keep an eye on what is said. Sounds like pure jealousy.

I don’t think there is any point in taking notice of this sort of thing, tbh.

I think you should insist that the friend strongly confronts the group or tells the teacher, or both.

I had adults gossiping about me when I was a child saying that I had an eating disorder (I didn't) and it got down to their kids and they started bullying me, throwing food at me and calling me anorexic.

I'm not sure I'd ignore this tbh. I'd speak to the dance teacher.

Why did your friend show you? That was quite the stir from her.

How old is your DD? Sounds like jealousy to me. Is it the case of Queen Bee realising your DD is more talented than hers?

Presumably your friend also showed you the many messages where she stuck up for your daughter and told them to stop gossiping?

If not, she's no friend so I'd speak to the mothers yourself.

How does 'She takes it too seriously, gets distracted most of the time and probably has an eating disorder', sound like jealousy?

It sounds like plain old nastiness.

That hopefully the OP's friend nipped in the bud.

I used the word friend generously, we’re friendly and she’s also a parent from school. We don’t overwise speak to or see each other .

Have you heard of/read Games People Play?

One of those Games is Lets you and him fight.

If someone tells me something hurtful about me/mine and asks for secrecy, my first "go to" is to ask myself why that someone has told me, but didn't want me to use that information? Is it for me to be forewarned or is it because for whatever reason, the someone wants to forment trouble between me and another, or group of others?

Only you can decide what the someone in your post intends.

That all sounds horrid. I’d mention it to the teacher and try to forget about it.

ETA. I am genuinely surprised people gossip about children in this way. What total losers!

Sadly dance mums are quite notorious for this type of behaviour! I might question the motives of the “friend” who told you.

You can’t control what other people think. Let them.

I am also suspicious of your friends motives.

I would ignore it, but keep an eye on the situation to ensure nobody is directly bullying DD. Aside from that, they can all disappear up each other’s arses.

I do not understand what motivated your friend to show you these messages in the first place. She must have known the messages would distress you and that your immediate instinct would be to protect your daughter by speaking to the teacher or the mums who wrote the messages so putting you in the position of knowing these women have been cruelly gossiping about your daughter and then immediately trying to prevent you from addressing the situation with anyone else seems very unkind. Is your friend given to stirring up drama? I can't see how she could have your and your daughter's best interests in mind and still act like this. Surely if she were truly concerned for you she could have replied to the mums commenting on your daughter and firmly rebuked them on their immature bullying behaviour herself before bringing them to you or at least not attempt to prevent you from dealing with this directly yourself.

Dd is 10

I have this with DS who plays football - today something was said within earshot and I tried to have a reasonable conversation with the individual about how that was disrespectful etc. Turns out you can’t have a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable person who gossips/bitches about kids! Resulted in said person shouting and swearing and causing a scene and now my DS knows what she said 🫠. Not that he cares but part of me wishes I hadn’t bothered saying anything.

I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this too, it’s horrible, I didn’t realize grown adults could be so vile about kids. I also hate that your friend told you this whilst not wanting you to take it further - a true friend should have called them out for their gossiping, I hope she didn’t just stay silent.

How can she be taking it too seriously yet also be distracted?!

I would 100% make the teacher aware. Personally I’d be so so so tempted to approach a few of the parents in question and make them aware too. Only if you know you can keep your cool and come out on top. But you’re better off ignoring.

Well it's the classic putting someone "better" than you down to make you feel better isn't it

Playground bullying tactics

How can you take something too seriously while simultaneously being too distracted all the time?
It sounds like a total pile on.
How rude that people would talk about other people's children like that. Especially not in writing in a group.
And accusing someone of ED? For what fucking reason? I'd be seething and take my kid out of the class.

That is horrible. Something similar happened to dd at school, which the children repeated to her. Report it to the dance teacher although realistically there is little they can do or say .

Is your dd a very good dancer? Like, noticeably better than the majority? If so it’s probably jealousy. I’ve seen this many a time with dance mums. Some parents can be absolutely vile about kids, but it’s mainly because their own offspring aren’t living up to their expectations and they aren’t able to live their dreams of becoming a dancer through them in the way they’d hoped.

Oh I 100% believe it’s routed in jealousy rather than concern. She’s new to dance but is doing very well at it, given main parts and opportunities etc.
I can’t imagine being a grown woman with children who chooses to criticise and comment on a 10 year olds body in there free time. I feel sorry for them and their children but it’s not fair on dd.

I agree. What is the point in showing you.

OP, you're ignoring the question of whether this woman stuck up for your daughter, or at least pulled them up on being nasty.

It's important because if she didn't, I think it's fine to go to the other mums because this woman wouldn't be considered a friend.

Just a shit stirrer.

I used friend to differentiate her from the other parents but she’s isn’t someone I would generally rely on or expect anything from.
She said she felt uncomfortable by then comments and uncomfortable chatting to me but not letting me know about it.
I didn’t see all the messages but don’t believe she said anything at the time (at least from what she showed/told me)