Oversensitive to jokes

[SandraSprocket]

I should start by saying I'm neuro diverse, I have ADHD and I take at face value what people say to me, in general terms anyway. I often don't get nuances of jokes and teasing. I don't make jokes to others either.

Last night I was watching the 1% Club with my friend and I got all the answers right except the 1% one. She called me a big head. I told her I wasn't a big head and she got annoyed with me telling me she's sick of me taking things literally.

I had a book published last year and she said "I bet your head's so swollen you can't get through the door." I didn't understand why she'd say that, I was asked to write a book and I did it. Job done. Though I can see it's an achievement I'm not arrogant or up myself.

Do you think I'm oversensitive? I don't know how to tell people not to joke with me like this. It doesn't happen a lot but I feel foolish and awkward when it does.

The nd is relevant as we often take things literally.

Nt people can social dance with their words.

We prefer straight forward communication.

Luckily I've learnt to navigate the undertones and meanings behind certain speech as I've gotten older but you can be tying yourself in knots trying to work people out. Nt People can be offended by us too and the way we can be blunt at times. I am stickler for politeness though.

Everyone is different on the spectrum but this can be an issue.

I also detest people saying things they don't mean.

When people genuinely care for one another there is room for uncomfortable ribbing.

when people don’t really care for one another or trust their affinity, they have to stay within safe bounds.

I think you are showing a lack of tolerance of your friend as is your friend of you.

ND and ADHD don’t mean everyone has to tread carefully around you and you just carry on as normal.

"I'll bet your heads so swollen you can't get through the door" is a joke, but basically all it means is you've done something really substantial, worth being proud of.

You are over-thinking it.

What does ADHD have to do with not knowing if people are teasing?

I'm not ND, and I would find "jokes about how big their brains were and how nice of them it was to still be friends with plebs like us" so, so tiresome. Luckily my group of clever and successful friends all support each other and celebrate each others achievements (including publishing books) and don't pretend that we think achievement correlates with thinking you are better than everyone else.

Never said that, I said CAN BE. I just meant it can work twofold. This is why straight forward communication is important. It is also important to be polite of course.

I am being general which is why I also said it's different for everyone.

That okay for you?

@ScienceNut

Surely this is where clear communication comes in? And a little empathy that our disability can cause issues with us.

It's funny, some NT people expect us to know exactly what they are talking about when they talk in bloody riddles and expect everyone to understand every social cue though isn't it? It's fine then for us to adjust ourselves to you but not the other way around?

Why don't people say what they mean and mean what they say? Get to the point and then we wouldn't have problems would we?

For example, oh we should meet up soon then never meet up. Ridiculous thing to say, if you have no intention then don't say it. Took me into my 20s to realise that one!

Just remember, what might be obvious to you isn't obvious to everyone else

It's bloody ableist to assume so.

Some people with ADHD - not all - are inclined to take things literally and often don’t understand that someone is teasing them, or if they do understand, they don’t see why it’s funny. But just as all neurotypical people aren’t a homogeneous mass, neurodivergent people are also very different to one another, albeit with some broadly similar traits. So taking things literally isn’t inevitable, just more likely.

Not sure if you read the first half of my post!

I think both parts are being intolerant of each other.

I do think it is unreasonable to suggest that her friend change her sense of humour completely, but to remind friend that they struggle.

or simply maybe they are not actually friends given the frustration!

You’re not over sensitive. This is more about your friends jealousy about your achievements than anything else. Which makes her not much of a friend. We’re supposed to be each others cheerleaders and raise each other up. This is not what your “friend” is doing.

You don't actually have to be friends you know.

But a bit OTT really

Those aren’t jokes. They’re signs that someone is jealous of your success (maybe not even consciously) so instead of being happy for you, building you up, they want to tear you down.

its not funny. How is it supposed to be funny? It’s having a dig at you, trying to bring you down a peg or two, make you feel a bit foolish… anyone saying “it’s a joke you need to lighten up” probably uses this type of humour to be shitty to their friends too

I have a part time job. Where it's just men. And we are vile to each other. I mean dreadful cruel jokes against each other. However there are limits and things that are completely inappropriate to joke about and if one said they didn't like a topic it would stop.
Your friend needs to recognise your boundaries. If you don't like jokes about you then they shouldn't do it, there are plenty of other things to laugh at ..a bad pun about the question you got wrong, a funny topic for your next book, The Donald, the Scottish football team, plenty of topics which don't hurt your feelings

Agree with all of this!

There is no point trying to figure it out if you are not wired this way. But some crude/sarcastic/insulting jokes work as a kind of social glue because you can’t say them ordinarily. It would be hugely insulting and socially dangerous to call an outsider or a social superior by a teasing nickname (such as big head, baldy, fatty etc…). In some communities and families it can also be a form of intimacy, a sign of our closeness. Like puppies play fighting what would be deadly serious if they were really fighting.

In an episode of the TV series Bones, where the heroine is ND she discovers the hidden social rule that in the police male nicknames go by opposites so a bald man is nicknamed curley snd a msn with a full head of hair nicknamed baldy. The tallest guy is nicknamed shrimp. Some labels have a unifying effect or can be badges of honour snd recognition, a sign of being an insider.

That isn’t what your friend is doing. But it can be what goes on between close friends and siblings. Just a playful side of naming and language.

She sounds jealous! Having a book published is a huge achievement! She should be celebrating you! Don’t let her dim your sparkle! I take jokes like this to heart too. I think it’s common knowledge that these type of jokes aren’t jokes at all and are simply a way for toxic people to put you down. I think people who say otherwise are probably the kind of toxic people I’m talking about!

This

Now I think about it, this friend has asked me more than once about embracing the grey (I started to go grey at 27) and not having long hair as I get older. Otherwise she's a good friend.