Oversensitive to jokes

[SandraSprocket]

I should start by saying I'm neuro diverse, I have ADHD and I take at face value what people say to me, in general terms anyway. I often don't get nuances of jokes and teasing. I don't make jokes to others either.

Last night I was watching the 1% Club with my friend and I got all the answers right except the 1% one. She called me a big head. I told her I wasn't a big head and she got annoyed with me telling me she's sick of me taking things literally.

I had a book published last year and she said "I bet your head's so swollen you can't get through the door." I didn't understand why she'd say that, I was asked to write a book and I did it. Job done. Though I can see it's an achievement I'm not arrogant or up myself.

Do you think I'm oversensitive? I don't know how to tell people not to joke with me like this. It doesn't happen a lot but I feel foolish and awkward when it does.

I don't think you are oversensitive. I think her comments were nasty and there is nothing wrong with telling her you don't like to be called names or teased.
Some people don't mind being teased and some do. Some people are bad at judging whether someone would mind or not. She may have misread the situation (or she may be jealous and knows she is making snide remarks). Tell her you don't like it. A good friend would not continue to tease / insult you once they know it makes you unhappy.

It’s just a joke. Most people say stuff they don’t mean all the time. That is how language works.

When someone says ‘I’m starving’ they don’t mean they are literally dying of hunger. When someone says ‘Oh, you cheeky little monkey’ at a mischievous child they are not literally suggesting that the child resembles a monkey.

I can assure you that achievement doesn’t get anyone’s goat (another example of language used non-literally, there) in my family. We all value intelligence and love puzzles and quizzes. It’s simply a joke - ironic, affectionate teasing. And we all know that.

They're not real.

And I'd thank you for taking a step back from me.

Not relevant to the TV show, but relevant to my feelings about teasing as I'm very literal and don't say ambiguous things to people. I can't stand confusion.

I understand your frustration and it does sound like this friend’s jokey comments stem from some level of jealousy.

That said, you can practice letting go of these sort of comments, reminding yourself they are (usually) not meant as criticism. Being able to make a bit of fun of yourself is a good trait.

Wow, that's news to me! 😮You'll be telling me next that they're only hand puppets. Of course they're not real, but people (especially children, their target audience) say things like that to each other all the time. They call the esteemed children's illustrator Pat Hutchins "Loopy Lobes" because of her long earrings. Should they be ashamed of themselves?

Whether we're ND or NT, other people will always say and do things we don't understand. However that's irrelevant really. The only thing that matters is that a comment or behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable, and what you do about that. Your choices are, that you accept this person does this now and again and ignore it, or you tell them firmly not to say these things again. Then if they carry on you decide if the good things they bring to your life outweigh the behaviour, and if they don't, you stop seeing them. You won't get a definitive answer as to whether you're 'right' to be offended as this sort of comment is a grey area that some wouldn't mind and some would. All that really matters is that you do.

You had a book published? That's a great achievement- congratulations! What's it about?

Your 'friend' sounds jealous. You are not being oversensitive.

As someone with ASD and ADHD myself i'd like to ask a couple of questions
How much do you talk about yourself and your achievements, do you say you things like how did they not know that? (These are things I used to do without realising it can get annoying/upsetting for others)
Have you told your friend that you don't like it? (Usually that's where you should start to get a problem solved, maybe you're doing things that upset her and make her feel not as intelligent)
Have you tried to learn the pitch differences of your friends speech when she is joking it'll sound different to serious or angry.

I think you’ve missed the point. The OP has mentioned her neurodivergence in relation to how she reacts to people’s so-called jokes, not in relation to how many questions she got right in a quiz.

I don’t react very well to that kind of teasing humour OP. I try to go along with it because it seems to be expected. But I hate that feeling of not being quite sure if it’s an affectionate jibe or if the person is being surreptitiously mean. Either way, I’m always convinced I got it wrong!

You aren't oversensitive, it's just that the two of you have different communication styles.

My partner has ADHD and like you, never knows when I am teasing him or not. Knowing that, I always make sure to let him know when I'm not serious as his default is to take everything literally too, especially when he's tired. I take that into account and understand he just won't know when I'm not being serious, and am fully prepared to meet him where he's at and let him know to avoid him feeling potentially upset or confused. I never get frustrated with him for it, he's just wired differently to me and I make the effort to understand that and modify how I communicate with him to accommodate that.

Some people will have unfortunate attitudes like some on this thread who say "you must be exhausting, I'd take a big step back', and to be honest, if your friends are not willing to make an effort to understand that your brain simply processes communication differently and to be willing to work with you to find a communication style that works for both of you, I'd be pretty unimpressed. Communication is a two-way thing, and requires effort from both sides.

I find it remarkable that everyone seems to know what OP's friend is thinking.

Seriously, how is it even possible to know whether OP is oversensitive or not, a conversation is not just a set of words at a given moment, it's way more than that, it's a tone, a body langage, a history etc... The same words can mean entirely different things depending on the delivery and the relationship.

In that case, the only assumption I'm able to make is that OP and OP's friends are incompatible.

Amongst my friend, it'd be very very normal to have this sort of banter, it has always been. I have several friends who have published books, and we have always joked about how big their brains were and how nice of them it was to still be friends with plebs like us.

I think some of this is also down to how people are brought up. My family would never have laughed at someone who dropped a plate or fell over for example but I have spent time with friends whose families would all cheer and do a round of applause if this happened. I’d be absolutely mortified to be on the receiving end of that. I’d be offering care and help.
On the other hand I like a bit of sarcasm and gently ribbing as a part of friendship and family but sometimes like in this situation I feel like it says more about the inner thoughts of the person saying it. She should know it won’t go down right with you and instead of saying it’s only a joke she should’ve said oh I’m sorry I didn’t meant that to come out that way with you etc.

This is a clear trait of autism, are you aware of this? If you are then you are being discriminatory

But ND people do and then throw in British politeness/indirectness and you've got to be more understanding. It's how people treat you in general and the fact that she does say nice things. Re Rosie and Jim, these programs echo cultural norms, there's affectionate teasing between people who like/love each other. I'm ND, I constantly have to think if I'm being blunt and mask. It is what it is.

I know, that exhausting/big step back comment was ironically very literal as if I'm like that 100% of the time which of course I'm not

I don’t think anyone can really tell you here, as it’s not necessarily the words said but the tone, facial expression and body language used whilst saying it. I could say “alright, big head” to one of my friends snd if I did it with breezy faux-outrage, a little eye roll and a “cheeky” smile I’m pretty sure they’d know the intention behind the words. It also depends on the relationship between people. I take the piss out of my friends and family. But they know my intention, the context, my personality. And they take the piss back, and it’s received how it’s meant to be received.

I work in a primary school, and the year 3 teacher is absolutely ruthless with his sarcasm and teases to children (and to adults as well), but it's balanced with plenty of praise where it's due. I have to say, I was quite surprised by this when I first saw him in action. When chatting to him, he said that he is quite careful who he does it with, once he knows the children's personalities.

If you think it's funny, it's a joke. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry, it's not a joke.

The problem is just as you don't get the "joke" being ND she is probably thinking that she wasn't being mean, it was just a gentle, friendly mocking and she can't understand why you would think she was being horrible to you. If you aren't ND then it's so hard to know what the other person can or cannot 'get' and its just general things people would say to a friend. You say in this comment that she thinks you're a smarty pants so how would you feel if she said that you are? It's not a bad thing 🤷‍♀️
I'll always remember looking after my friend's daughter, who was about 3 at the time (undiagnosed Aspergers at that time) and we were out for a walk and it suddenly started raining. I said "quick let's run as it's raining cats and dogs" and she just stopped looking at the sky and then had a major meltdown as obviously it wasn't.

I can’t stand people making personal “jokes” like that. Jokes are meant to be funny. I didn’t grow up in a house where we constantly made fun of each other and it grates to be with someone who is like that. I think it says more about the person making the comment (secretly cruel, insecure) than the people who are the butt of their jokes.

Such people are exhausting.

I think you might be able to give her the benefit of the doubt and accept she meant it in a joking way but her reaction saying you were overreacting might be because she is really jealous and making these "jokes" in a mean spirited way and she knows it.
If I'd behaved the way she did and you told me you didn't like it I would apologise, say I didn't mean it that way and say I'd try not to do it in future but to please let me know if I made you feel bad again. Apologising, saying I didn't mean it and that you are overreacting, to me, isn't a genuine apology.
It will depend how much you like her as a friend and vice versa how this turns out.

When someone says ‘Oh, you cheeky little monkey’ at a mischievous child they are not literally suggesting that the child resembles a monkey.

Ironically, I think you're being too literal here. You've moved your point away from ironic banter into simple idioms. Not the same thing.

Although I'm all for a bit of bants - and would probably enjoy your family's dynamic - I've always thought the very British habit of taking the piss out of achievement is routed in the whole "don't get ideas above your station" thing, which is inherently negative.

I get what you're saying about it being a joke, but the fact that the idea of it even being a thing is rooted in people not liking others' doing well. Obviously, there are people who lord it over others, but that's negative too.

I guess if you're truly witty you should think up some original material and not resort to clichés.

My family is ND including myself we are all different my daughter sounds similar to you amd we respect her feelings and don't joke like that with her. Growing up I remember having similar situations one thing I learned was you can't control other people only yourself. There is a great audio book called "let them" it's really freeing. So you can control who you spend time with, if it's bothers you a lot find a new klan.