How do people manage with multiple children?

[Hungrychocolate]

I feel I am very stressed over this weekend. I have a 4 months old baby and a 3 year old DS. The toddler goes to preschool 5 days a week using the funded 30 hours and I am on maternity leave.

H works from home all the days and I am doing looking after for DC after preschool and holidays. His preschool is term time only. I feel constantly stressed over the weekends when everyone is home. Toddler doesn't seems to listen to what we ask of him, things like wear your trousers, wear your socks, eat your food. It's hit and miss. H starts yelling as he gets annoyed why DS is not listening. Then DS starts to cry and it's a constant loop I am stuck in. Toddler has also been going through some viral infections and baby has got cold as well, not sleeping well recently. I am tired and exhausted of this constant loop of toddler not listening and following, H yelling and toddler crying. It's a nightmare.
On top of this there are so many household chores which H does picks things like laundry and loading dishwasher etc. Baby is breastfed so she's mostly with me, there's no me-time for now until I go back to work. I dread to think about how will I cope with all this when I go back to work. Is there anything anyone can suggest which I can do to improve our lives.

Don't forget you have another toddler on the way - why do you think your baby will behave any differently? Maybe suggest you both try your way for a week and see how it goes. Then if you must try his and see how that goes.

Any attention is attention. Make sure you are both giving positive attention for the good things and not just focusing on the bad behaviours. It can be tricky when you have a new baby as they see more attention going to the babies needs ie baby gets cuddle time because she is breastfeeding.

Pretty much every 2/3 yo I know prefers socks off and it is actually quite important for them to have barefoot time as it helps the foot to grow in proper alignment and for their muscles and balance to develop well.

Meals - they join you at the table or they don’t eat. Eat as a family so it is a sociable time. Don’t give snacks as replacements for uneaten meals. Don’t make it a battle, put unfamiliar foods on the plate with foods they eat so they can get used to them.

With young children expectation is key. You expect them to eat at the table, you expect them to put their shoes on to go out. It isn’t a negotiation or a request or a battle. If they don’t put their shoes on go without them (assuming the other adult is home of course). Make it clear you and baby are going to the park and if he wants to come he has to get his shoes on. There will be a few tears the first couple times but he will learn that you mean what you say. I think parenting has become too much asking what the child wants rather them just being told. Choices are fine but they have to be real ones you don’t mind either outcome for ie do you want to wear your red shoes or your blue ones.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a 5 year old 2 year old twins and a newborn. I do think your DH is not helping at all with shouting. It is unacceptable to have him shouting at your son. Shouting can cause children to become aggressive and change behaviour. Look this up and show it to DH. He has to realise the damage he is doing. I think this is affecting you more than your sons behaviour.
As people have said you need to pick your battles. If not going out don't worry about the dressing. If you need to get something done do it like a game timing him to do things. As the weather is bad find things to do indoors. He is the age now that he can do puzzles. Pairs with his favourite characters. Flash cards with colours numbers, letters. Drawing painting things he can do while you are also sitting with baby. Nothing wrong with some TV watching a film together.

Sorry this sounds so stressful. I second the recommendation for the book mentioned above - I only got through half of it but it’s already been so helpful, lots is about working out why we get so angry at certain situations/behaviours and how to avoid getting into that vortex. Your H might be able to get it as an audio book via the library, I did.

I wonder if he needs to get out more too - go for a run maybe to burn off some of his own frustration.

Getting out of the house helps so much but I know how hard that is with a small baby. I recommend library storytimes or things like aquarium if there is one near you, most babies find it chill and your toddler can run around.

Sorry you feel like this, OP.
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Your shouty husband doesn't help you or your kids and (I get bashed for these) if financially possible, definitely better to parent yourself without him
at your home, if kids already present.
Another - life is just so much better and authentic without children (and at my age, probably without men) - applied to myself.

@WitcheryDivine please let me know the name of audiobook, I have audible subscription. Thanks

I also want to say I was brought up with an angry parent so I understand that “natural” jump to anger in your husband. It’s what he’s been trained to think is allowed and normal, essentially that the adult can relieve their own stress by yelling etc. I bet he didn’t like it when his mum shouted at him when he was small, can you try to get him to really think back to what that was like? It might motivate him to read that book or go on a parenting course/ or speak to the health visitors maybe? There is a lot of support for dads of babies out there essentially because (sorry) so many angry dads end up hurting their children and the HV want to support the dad before that happens.

He needs to learn to take a breath, simmer the situation down and redirect things rather than making everything into a face off.

Lots of parents do. And believe me it won't get esier.
Will he do a parent's class? Councelling?

It’s called something like The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did)

Honestly, you need to chill, he's a toddler, they don't listen! Lower your expectations and life will be a lot less stressful, my eldest wasn't in any nursery when I had her sister, and she was diagnosed with autism 4 days before I gave birth, I know what full on is! But you go with the flow, don't stress about the small stuff and don't over complicate your life with high expectations. Having a wfh dh means you actually have back up too, sounds bliss

Yelling at a 3yo regularly is just awful. You both need to read some parenting books.

Oh and puddle suits and wellies are your friend, go out whatever the weather. Think of young dc like dogs, they need exercise otherwise they get naughty

We used to split the childcare at weekends - 1 adult would toddler to a class, 1 with the baby.
You also need to request a total break for you, why can’t your husband take both to a soft play for an hour or two?

It is hard. Things get better from school age (particularly Age 6!) - until then, our relationship took a back seat and it was constant survival mode!

Yelling at a child is a parenting choice that your DH is making. Think about that for a moment

Does he yell at his boss, his friends, his clients, his sister? I'm guessing probably not. This shows that he can control his temper when he chooses

Looking after a toddler and a baby really shouldn't be this difficult. IMHO, your DH is the problem, not the children

Thanks so much for all the great advice, I will get him to listen to the audiobook.

I love my DC, they aren't the problem, it's mostly my husband's reaction. I need to get him to learn about toddlers and it feels like he doesn't want to learn anything new. He is going to parent the same shitty way he was parented and make our life hell.

Due to all of this I have started to resent him deeply which is adding to the stress whenever everyone is around.

Like I mentioned before he has to be told and realise the damage he is doing to your son. It is all on him. He is an adult and should be able to control his frustration unlike you son. Show him in black and white the damage he is doing.

Tbh I can’t see how splitting is a solution, all you would gain is financial problems and in reality, 80% of childcare.at least by yourself. Keep the toddler busy at weekends (send him out with dad). It’s not easy but we have all got through it and it does get easier when the baby becomes more interactive with his/her sibling. If your relationship is basically still strong both get some parenting advice so you’re on the same page.

Non of this advice helps. The dad has to just realise and learn that he can not shout at his son at all and know that he is damaging the son by doing this That is the only problem.

Sure but one person can’t actually force another person to realise things, if only.

Exactly. At this point, sounds like they've discussed it extensively, he fobbed her off and he is now making an active choice to do the opposite of what OP is happy with. He either doesn't care and wants the marriage to end, or he doesn't think she'll do it. Either way he doesn't seem like he has the emotional intelligence of a good catch.

Your DH needs parenting classes. That is not a criticism but a fact. If his mother was like this then he knows no other way to parent. Classes should help reset his expectations of young children and make him aware that his lack of patience and shouting are feeding the stress in your family, causing resentment and risking his marriage.

Young children are hard work (no doubt about it) so you need to be one the same page parenting together with realistic expectations to help enjoy your kids.

Why is your 3 year old boy in nearly full time preschool when you are home all day with the baby? Do t you think he wonders this too? You need to cut down on his hours to maybe 2 or 3 half days a week and concentrate on holding a relationship with him. You will find his behaviour will improve massively

Your eldest is clearly still adjusting to having a younger sibling around. Any attention either positive or negative is attention they don't have to fight sibling for.

Tell your DH to lower his expectations of your eldest. A three year old is naturally egocentric, fully testing the boundaries and has had a huge life event happen.

I understand your youngest is ebf but now they aren't cluster feeding, could you not pop out for an hour with your toddler after a feed to give them some undivided time with you? Park/ feed the ducks / soft play?